Friday, December 11, 2009

i like that in all of my homework i get to explore God.
i like that i am awe inspired sometimes.
i like that sometimes my eyes fill with tears when i think about the unbelieveabilty of His love for me.
i like that it feels new and fresh every time.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

a break from paper writing...

"If someone is inspired, which means that life has been breathed into them, then somebody else had life breathed out of them."
-Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell and Dan Golden

i am so thankful for the things that breathe life into me.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

happiness is....

a frightened rabbit daytrotter session.


2 weeks.

2 weeks of stress ahead of me. papers and papers and take home tests and doctrine statements and more papers. but then vacation and i cannot wait. this is my last fall semester. woot! i applied for graduation today, it feels weird to already be here almost done but i'm ready.

i'm ready to move on with my life. i'm ready to be done with school. i'm ready for austria. i'm ready for working in a coffee shop in a foreign country and doing ministry. i'm ready to figure out how and where i can do that in the states.
i'm ready.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

not mine.

what does it mean to say forever?
to promise something that isn't yours.
on the backdrop of the past,
when this is all there is,
the etchings and the scars.
so why is a name impressed on each one?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


i need to learn the power of words and how to speak up for myself. i won't be caught in a cycle of abuse ever again. because i know i have worth and i will no longer let anyone take that truth from me.

new beginnings.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

good song.

Two Are One by Dri

Who's in your heart's
not always who's in your bed
You go looking for love
and find a lover there instead
So you hold them like you'd hold the hold the one you love
until it starts to feel like the two are one

Two are one

Who's in your bed's
not always who's in your heart
Some nights I'll pretend like I can't tell them apart
But then I sleep through the dark
with my eyes wide open
and my dreams lay our against the ceiling
and in every scene, it's you with me
and not this lover who lays beside me
like a rag team
in a movie

Who's in your heart's
not always who's in your bed
The night has a way of making you forget
that if the one you love's not the one you're loving
all our loving will amount to nothing
so I take off running and try to catch you
There's so many things I have to tell you
I wake up
and then I wake up

Thursday, October 29, 2009

less periphery.

i feel distant from things i want to feel close to. i feel distant from people i have always wanted to love but have never figured out how more than an email here or there or an occasional care package. i try to like the telephone but i just don't. i like the people in my life i just wish there were some people who were in it more often and less periphery. what happens when i leave the country?

it's hard to see us sinking when we are light enough to float...

Monday, October 19, 2009


concert going.
searching for God.
searching for a european country to call home.
wordlessly expressing.
more laughing.
thinking about traveling.
drinking tea.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

fall sunshine.

our fall is cloudy in portland and this is a little bit of sunshine.

Monday, October 5, 2009

last night i went to a show a local coffee house. there was an eating contest that consisted of one man eating a jelly roll and another one eating a lightbulb (i'm not kidding he at a lightbulb, he's a circus performer so that makes it normal, right? right.). there was also some awesome hip hop artists free styling and they wore cardigans and they talked a lot about Jesus and it was good. there was also some amazing poetry that brought tears to my eyes. there was also this wonderful musician kelli schaefer her music was phenomenal, you should listen to her song "carry us over".

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

rosie thomas.

i'm gonna drive over hills
over mountains and canyons
and boys that keep bringing me down
i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine
drink good wine in vineyards
and get asked to dance
i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by
never ever again.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

time for some poems that have been living in the margins of my life...

"for a chance"

these breaths are on lease
until the air is cleaner
and this silence is on loan
until the music meets the words
balanced precariously
between fingertips
dipped in honey
sticky with pleasure
everything i'm not
but everything i would be
will be
for a chance
at living
where the wind moves easily
in and out of my lungs
and i can sing a song
with words only used
by romance novelists or sailors.



clarity fades in the shade of august
when words lose their meaning
as they are carelessly spoken
under skies being over taken by fall
the worries of winter cloud
the easy rhythm of life
sustained through summer
but teetering on the edge of losing it
one breath away from a warning
one sigh away from revealing
all wrapped up in the falling leaves
ice won't be clinking inside glasses much longer
as red wine takes it place
warming the space inside left by the sun
while an indecisive winter
causes bending of wills
unsure motives leading to unsure decisions
truth lost somewhere in the mist



catching stars in nets
sewn together by my dreams of you
and boozed soaked melodies
that float
and lift
my loose strands of hair
coming undone as i reach for something
because sky scrapers block my view
only my net grazes the infinite
only my dreams are able to break through
my self is blocked in
and suffocating


"she likes"

she likes the way he doesn't fear
her intelligence and wit,
playing into the jokes she tells
when she can't stop laughing at herself.
she likes the fact she can be herself
tattered, abused, used, learning how to be joyful.
he carries patches and mends
the places she doesn't see
and the ones she still tries to hide.
in this tangled dance
no one really knowing the steps,
only knowing they like where this is going
because she likes his eyes on her,
and he like to look.
as they move to the beats
she runs,
hand in hand with him
while he twirls her through the steps.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

thank you.

i have to break a friends heart tomorrow. i have to admit that my actions at times were misleading. i'm learning how to be friends with boys and sadly someone has to be a guinea pig, i'm sorry you are going to get hurt because of me. i've never had to do this before and it sucks. and i'm afraid we'll never be friends the same way again. and you knew everything, all my shit was laid on the table and you didn't run away. people keep asking why i don't feel for you and i don't really know, there is just something missing. there is something missing, the key thing i would need to know that you are more then just my friend. i made some mistakes and tomorrow i have to face up to them and i'm sorry.

but i also need to say thank you. God has been teaching me that i am not my past and i have been trying to learn this lesson. he has been showing me that my bad decisions are not me and that i am enough for him. God has been showing me the love he has for me through the Son even though i have fallen so far so many times. and that is why i need to say thank you. thank you for showing me that someone could still want to be with me even after they know everything. thank you for not being afraid of my failures and for not being afraid for my baggage. thank you for showing me that i am good enough and that i can be loved and that someone can want me.

i don't think i realized how fast i have been holding to the lie that i am not enough, and the lie that no one could love me once they really know me. i have made that lie truth so many times that i couldn't tell the difference anymore. i have believed that happiness wasn't meant for me and that i had my chance and i screwed it up. but i haven't missed my chance. and i do deserve happiness. and i need to let people know me, really know me.

so, i'm sorry i have to hurt you tomorrow.

but, thank you for showing me i can show people the real me and i can still be loved.
thank you for showing me i am good enough.
thank you for not even realizing that God was using you to expose the lie i've been living.
thank you.

i hope you can be my friend again, someday.

Take It Back

A dream is a wish your heart makes?
Allow me to vomit on the very thought.
I dream of goodbyes
Of past loves
Of loves never had.
A dream?
A nightmare.
My mind wants me to believe it is a dream,
My deepest fears at center stage,
Losing those I love,
Or want to love,
Or never being loved at all.
Cinderella can take back her song
And her happy ending dream
Because I don't live in a fairy tale,
And princes don't ride on horseback,
Or come in to save the day.
And this screams of bitterness,
And I may be a strong independent woman,
But that doesn't mean a thing,
I want a happy ending
Like any girl in a frilly dress
With stars still in her eyes.
Because I need to average out
My hello's with my goodbye's
But I have to figure this out
Because I have to live this
Day dreams and wishes my heart make
Only carry me so far.
But is there any other cure?
Any other answer to this bitterness?
But to dream.
To hope.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

there are some people i will never fully let go of. i still carry you with me. my backup, no. my wish, maybe. i feel like i never really got an answer. but i don't know how to ask the right question now, with so much time and space between. perhaps someday i'll know. or maybe i'll forever carry a torch for you. or at least for who you were and where we were and who i was.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

september feels fine.

and i mean real fine. this month has started off wonderful. back in classes and loving it amid all the stress. we are talking about the doctrine of humanity in theology and that has got to be one of the most fascinating things ever to me. exploring what it means to be human to be the imago Dei, the image of God. for me this has always been a very prominent question in my life and i know that it steams from being a woman and now even more so being confronted with the realities that i am not seen as an equal. thinking about what it means to be human changes so many other things in my life and in my theology. and. i. love. it. this month is also the tail end of all of the summer festivals and street fairs and summer concerts and so it is a busy month with things to do and people to see and life to enjoy and experience. goodness is abounding. new friendships. possibilities. i really like september. new favorite month. maybe always favorite month. fall. how i love thee.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Lonely Brunette

she is a woman,
with long brown hair,
not the prettiest,
but beautiful in her own way.

she captures eyes
in a way she doesn't understand,
never one she wants
the bad boy.
the unmotivated.
the manipulative.


the brunette doesn't even raise her eyes
as the crowds cry out,
tearing their hair,
gnashing their teeth,
she knows she's guilty
she's always known.

she doesn't ask for your pity,
this is simply her story,
her past,
her carry-on baggage.

she has learned to carry it,
so don't shame her,
she hasn't asked you to help,
she hasn't even asked you to care,
so pass your judgement
from safe inside your religious prison,
not knowing her past,
or her present,
or what brought her to this point
of disheveled nakedness.

but slowly the crowds silence,
and she allows her irises to wander
no further then her lashes,
and she sees him.

a man,
a little older and clearly a teacher,
but there's something different,
something he commands
simply by his presence.

one in the crowd brave enough,
asks for him to pass judgement,
asks for her death,
she hears nothing,
no response.

and she wonders
how long it will hurt,
how long till its over,
but she feels no pain;
and so she raises her head.

he's staring at her,
not at her nakedness,
something more intimate,
deeper then what the crowds saw,
but there are no more crowds,
they are alone,
but she is not afraid.

in a voice,
filled with ancient strength,
filling her with fear and reverence,
he says,
"leave your life,
follow my teachings,
my life,
my love,
and you will see and know,
but you have to choose."

and so she is left with a choice,
everything else has been stripped away,
she knows her next step,
now she must take it.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

the approach of fall brings with it cloudy saturdays and a renewed love of oolong tea and water color paintings and dawn landes and angus and julia stone ringing in my ears...this is going to be a good fall...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

home is where....

your family is.
your bed is.
your friends are.
you have signed a one year lease.
your favorite coffee shop is.
someone is always there to greet you at the airport.
people will house sit for you even though your cat peed on them.
you get pictures drawn for you by sweet siblings.
someone sits next to you just because they love you.
your favorite pair of shoes always end up where you didn't leave them.
your cat plays fetch.
the people you love are.
you live.
you visit.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

reoccurring dream

cups of coffee steam, fresh on the dewy grass as i wait for your arrival to our place. you already smell of coffee, and last nights sleep still clings to your eyelashes as i watch your approach. sleek as a fox with your slender steps, measured, careful in your arrival as you think my eyes are averted towards the sun, willing its warmth to dry the grass. but i see you, and i enjoy watching you watch me, behind my sunglasses and my hair, carelessly piled in misdirection, asking you to touch and run your hands through. your hand grazes the tips of my hair as you sit taking the coffee i hand you. no words pass between us, because morning is our time to be, to enjoy, this space and each other. this moment reminds us why and so i let my fingers reach out and rest on top of yours as the sun touches our skin and we lay back together for as long as this will last.

(i dream this almost every night, always the same thing, always the same person, always these words running inside my head)

choose your own adventure...

do you remember those choose your own adventure books? i loved those books as a kid because i loved to envision myself on crazy adventures doing things i could never imagine in real life. i also liked the fact that i got to decide where to go and what to do. and yes sometimes i would cheat to make sure i wasn't about to fall off a cliff or meet a grizzly bear in a cave with no weapon. i wanted a happy ending. not much has changed, i still want the happy ending. i can't cheat in real life though and so i hold back at times, but not anymore i have decided.

in one year i'm moving to a foreign country for 6 months on an internship. that's a pretty huge adventure and so i have decided this next to have mini adventures constantly. i have the resources and the time so i'm going to do it. this is going to manifest itself in trips mostly but i want it to be other things to relationships, cooking, reading, speaking, everything. this next year seems important, i don't know why yet but it does and so i'm going to make the most of it. places i'm planning on visiting: missouri, texas, colorado, and some place really tropical for my 25th birthday/graduation from graduate school...this is just so far i want to add other trips and adventures to my list. i don't want to forget people this year and i just want to live.

so i am choosing to adventure and i don't get to cheat and i'm ready for what's next...not really but i'm doing it anyways and it is going to be awesome.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

a fortune cookie instigated thought

i don't know how to take chances with my heart.
so i don't.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

can you feel my harmony?

grains of salt on hardwood floors
smelling of orange oil to keep their shine
buy they aren't mine
i just rent them to produce
my melody
my rhythm
my flow to you
as the grains stick to the bottom of my feet
how generous of you to dust them off
but you don't
you can't see
me skipping beats
or hear them missing in my words
just part of the conversation
just part of the dance
i don't like this dance
i've been dancing for so long
only know how to shimmy and shake
you aren't a shimmy
or a shake

i need new moves
you need a stronger prescription

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

too private

prayers for protection
prayers for peace
prayers for seamless dreams
prayers for an answer to a question
a question only asked right before sleep

too private

too vulnerable

given a cryptic answer
(who am i to blame? i did ask)

a feeling
a sense
a touch
a moment

not sure what to expect
now that i've asked
now that i've dreamed

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

where my eyes and my smile meet

i've been chewing on the corner of my mouth
accepting the situation
with mild curiosity
feigning uninterested eyes
so you can't see
the desire
in the creases of my eyes

in the smile i'm attempting to cover up
in my playful touch
i'm just a friend
i don't know how to be anything else
giving sideways glances
always from a distance
how can i show you,
without showing you anything?

...summer of color...

fresh blueberries and strawberries that are so fine your mouth can't handle it.
i love going fruit picking.

mt. saint helen's one of the mountains i get to see most days it is clear and beautiful.

i hiked up this without injuring myself or anyone else(this was just the last mile)
from the top you could see the ocean.

clover is my favorite ever.

ellen and i with a lovely lady at the tippy canoe.

butterflies like lavender. 

i like lavender too.


the rose gardens in bloom, quite amazing.

Monday, July 6, 2009


i love sitting across from you over sunday night drinks. discussing openly and honestly your frustration with girls and how you see us. complaining that we never go for the good guys, even when we say that is what we want. all the while i stare at you and laugh knowing that i like a good guy and yet he is oblivious, most likely just not interested, and tells me i do not want a good guy when i want him.  the problem is not the good guy or his lack to act but my lack. i am not that good of a girl. how can i possibly deserve a good guy like you? so i'll just laugh at your jokes and feel my stomach flutter at your hugs but stay silent because you are a good guy who is not interested and i'm a girl trying to be good and trying to deserve a good guy...trying to appeal to you.

so she hopes

ripped apart
tossed aside
wretched desires fondle her heart
delightful to the touch
wicked in the aftermath
pieces no longer attached
scattered by breezes
from ruffled sheets and disheveled clothing
no longer worthy for you
in her own eyes
not able to see herself
apart from who she was
trying to see herself
in light of who she is
if you are worth it
you'll stay
and help carry everything she holds
so she hopes
on the promise of a new day
that you exist
and that you can love her
in a way that is real
that is worth more
then what she has given away
sometimes you are awake 
to watch the sunrise
and sometimes
the rising sun wakes you
casting new possibilities
across your resting body
singing directly to your heart
the hope found only in your fingertips
before they have touched anything
except your dreams
found neither here nor there
but somewhere completely unknown
a place for you as you pas
between moments outside of time 
only brought back
by the biding of the sun...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

i don't think about you....much

my thought are preoccupied
by melodies and plot lines
and the sound of my own laughter

instigated by life in the big city
and a new set of eyes
looking amused
and confused
by who i am

not sure how this works 
how to check my vibe

inspired all the while
by laughter and a good beer

to think of you less.....and less
she just wants some hand holding
hip swinging days
a west coast girl
may not want a happy ending

a nap on your chest
is enough for a summer day
cool breezes off the river
temper dreamy thoughts

she loves you so easy
her love complicates
the easy friendship
of double jointed ligaments
and mixed drinks on back decks

Monday, June 15, 2009

I would never have to wear shoes again...

Something I think I want to do with my life (or at least something similar):

Not For Sale is an organization I have been researching but more importantly have began loving and really think I want to be a part of. This picture is one of a lovely woman name Lucy and she runs a house on the coast of Peru where street kids can live and get education, health care, stability, a family, value, arts, and surfing.  She gives these kids a chance and a future. (you can read her whole story on the website) I've realized that I want to do this. If not exactly this then something very much like it. I want to love and I want to give children a chance who wouldn't have one before. I know I won't be doing this alone, but who will be doing it with me is still up in the air. This plan is about 2 years away there's time to plan but not plan too much because planning never works really. I'm excited. The possibilities are there and I want them to be real.
Surfing Tribe
Some first steps: learn how to surf better, contact lucy and the not for sale people, figure out if not in Peru then where, get other people excited for this as well.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

failing passionately

love is neatly drawn
with fine pencil lines
that drip with reality as they mix and cross
over yours and mine
passionate disaster...
the list continues
at an alarming rate
as this love contains it all
and not of it
detailing out the end
before there is ever a beginning
setting up for destruction
because it is more passionate to fail
than to succeed

Monday, June 1, 2009

May is Gone

Yesterday, I cried a lot.
Yesterday, I slept a lot.

All of it was good though because this past week was amazing. I get to spend time with friends in really sweet ways. I made new friends as well. I need to spend more time with these people. Once maybe twice a year is not enough. I'm going to try and go up to camp for at least one week.  Caitlin and I are planning road trips (that will happen).  Things are in motion and life is sweet and full of love. Even if a lot of it has gone back to california there is lots to love in oregon.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Spring Melting Into Summer

-iron and wine has filled my spring and i foresee it continuing into summer with their new CD "around the well" my heart is light with the sounds of it.

-why i love my brother:
Jacob: "sam do girls really just wanna have fun?"
Me: "what?! (while trying to suppress laughter)"
Jacob: "well i have a song that says that"
Me: "yes, jacob girls just wanna have fun (still laughing)"
Jacob: "oh, ok."

-i've decided to be more constructive with my poetry. i'm practicing challenging myself in my writing by having a goal in mind when i sit down to write. there are still spontaneously inspired ones but i'm trying to reflect on people and it is an interesting process filling me with joy and sadness.

-i am excited beyond belief for the wonderful people who are going to be staying with me soon.

Monday, April 27, 2009

April's End

the dogwood is in bloom
and i miss the thought of it all
the tulips here grow to be 2 feet tall
how odd to have a flower desire to look you in the eye
it is not the flowers i am worried about 
but the lack of flowers,
the threat of no spring
straight from winter to summer
hidden life to approaching dust
but i can see the blossoms
and you  like how much i laugh

Thursday, April 23, 2009

One More Semester of Seminary Down

i love my small evangelical seminary. i love that i am not conservative and that it is ok. i love that my thoughts have value and that i have learned to value myself enough to say them out loud. i love that i am becoming me in a place that is becoming my own.

things in school this semester:
-i wrote statements of beliefs on doctrine of God, doctrine of revelation, and doctrine of the person of Christ
-sixteen weeks of studying prayer
-read through the prophets and the gospels
-studied the story of the hemorrhaging woman in Mark 5 and wrote about her and loved her and her story and began to see myself in that story and loved Jesus even more because of that story
-i got to interview my sweet friend/mentor Gelayol and learn about her life in Iran and about what it was like to move to the United States
-i taught a room full of graduate students how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils
-i wrote a paper on the implications of Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and what it is communicating to our culture and how the church needs to respond (it may surprise you what Twilight is communicating to youth i know i was surprised, it was interesting)

things in life:
-discovered the joy of hot rollers allowing me to have curly big hair whenever i see fit
-really getting to know my sweet friend Rachael i live with
-discovering the joy of new music almost daily
-joined a gym 
-learning more how to love myself
-hiking constantly
-drinking more coffee then is necessary
-learning to love being single
-making my new house my home
-discovered i don't like shirts with sleeves
-making cards is an absolute joy, sending them is even better
-trying to figure what to say to tell someone i'm done
-Christian Camping International, hopefully
-taking pictures on disposable cameras because my digital is broken
-ready for the adventure that will be May-August

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

3 Thoughts

I love spring.
Iced coffee and skirt wearing has commenced. 
Listening to The Everyday Visuals and Carolina Liar.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

watching springtime unfold
from the bench seat in the window
waiting for something
allowing myself a moment
to be with you
as my heart leaps 
at the sound of your name
at the words in your letter
the thought of a future i dare not entertain
what will spring bring?
not you.

Not A Flower

in silence,
flower petals drop
to the floor
left in the quiet room
accompanied only
by the rocking chair's creak
for someone,
to fill this space.
not just a body,
but a spirit
with laughter.
bringing with them
a watering can,
coaxing the petals
to once again grow.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

long. tired.

life is crazy right now. 2 and 1/2 weeks of school left until a break before summer classes start in june. i'm learning a lot though and feel blessed in my classes and in my new living situation.  i just finished a paper on the unity within the person of Christ, asserting that you can't legitimately separate the historical Jesus from the Christ of faith, because one does not exist without the other. next week for one of my intercultural classes i'm teaching the class how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils. it should be a fun time, talking about being joyful in worship and this translates well to children of all cultures. it looks like 2 years as a youth director is coming in handy ;) two more doctrinal statements as well will be being written and thought over and thought on and discussed as i figure out how to say what i believe.

more then any of that though i am living.  i am going out. making food with (the new roommate and most importantly friend). not letting my school dictate my life but living because this is it, i've only got so much time in portland. there is no way i am rachael going to waste it on days it is beautiful to sit inside. life is moving so fast and it is crazy to think that i have already be living here for almost 9 months. 

so, i'm working on living and laughing and cooking (without fear).
life is good.
God is good and alive.
may is going to be a fun month.
summer is very close.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Spring Break

That little sweet heart in the middle I get to call my brother.

That's a pretty good image of mine and my brothers relationship ;) this is just one of the many afternoons we spent on the trampoline.

That is definitely my grandma, sister, and brother on the trampoline. Oh how I love my family.

One of the hazards of moving, poor coffee mug. More pictures of my new colorful townhouse coming soon.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

What Else Can I Do?

Do you really have to go out of the country?
Could you please go some place less dangerous?

These are the questions my family regularly asks me when we discuss my internship for the fall of 2011. I'm going to be in South or Central America and this terrifies my family. I don't see any other option, for me at least. I want to work with children who need love, who need a chance, and a way out. It's either South or Central America or Africa for me. There's never really been another way. This is where I am going. Part of that is because we have to do an internship in a foreign country and the other part is because I want to. I have always wanted to. And everything I learn I am going to bring back and put it to use with children in this country. I am getting a masters in intercultural studies and most people assume that means other cultures but I feel it transcends that and moves into the subcultures around us. That is where I am going to work, much to the dismay of some. I am going to love and work on healing this earth. Because what else can I do?

In music news:
If you go the Iron and Wine website right now you can download for free (my favorite word with regards to music) 8 acoustic tracks from The Shepherd's Dog album. Do it! They are fantastic!

Monday, March 23, 2009

sometimes i wish i had a secret. something good. not the list of bad secrets i hold close, but a good one. one that makes me excited to keep secret. one that is just for me. i had one and it was nice until it turned into something else. still good. a friendship came out of it. almost humorous really. oh secrets so good and so bad. so many secrets yet to be had.
in other news:
Caroline Smith and The Good Night Sleeps make my life happy and sound very much like spring.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

the approach of spring

i hum in my sleep
the melodies of my dreams
blowing through my life
leaves, twigs, and particles of memories

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Getting Old

That sweet man in the picture is my grandfather. I love him (and the sweet woman next to him my grandmother). He can't see to ever be well and it's hard, it's hard to watch him getting old. Needless to say I'm really glad I'll be home in 6 days and I'll be able to spend some good time with the two of them. Getting old is not for the weak; I just keep telling myself he's strong enough.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


your words are running up my arms
keeping me warm
tickling the inside of my ear
as they ruffle through my hair
blowing strands in front of my eyes
telling me simple truths
truths i desperately need to hear
on beauty
on faith
on the cause of a summer breeze

A Dream

blurred lines on negative prints
of late night laughing sessions
cozy comfort in the front room
cramming people in every corner
welling up with life
even if only for this one night
captured forever in this joyous occasion
sharing in a moment that is not ours
taking advantage of the joy
the light in our eyes capturing
what the pictures never can

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I had a dream about this summer and I liked what I saw.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Weekend with a Friend

 kindred spirit, good friend 
lover of adventures and spontaneous days
Seattle for a day
Vintage exploration in the rain
and more 

Friday, February 27, 2009

a time of year...

This time of year I get a little lonely for calvin crest, I'm not going to lie. I miss the atmosphere and the weather and the way it feels.

I miss these ladies. (but i get to see all of them soon)

I miss team meetings. 

I miss this being considered work.

I miss this being my view.

But I'm really excited to be here in Portland this summer. I'm excited to hike Mount Hood and pick every possible kind of fruit I can. I'm excited to frolic through fields of lavender. I'm excited to possible go to Argentina. I'm excited to ride my bike everywhere and where skirts and drink iced americano's. I'm excited to live with Rachel and develop that friendship. I'm excited to figure out even more how to live.

Monday, February 23, 2009

it's hard to look at the pictures of people who don't want to be a part of your life. and never tried. and still don't try. it shouldn't matter anymore. it's always been this way. but it does. i shouldn't have to fight back tears in the coffee shop right now. i have good defense mechanisms. but i am still very fragile. i probably should get this fragility looked at. i've been hurting long enough. i don't have to hurt.

A Reminder

gentle rain, 
soft breezes,
speak to a presence
in the midst of our doubt
a reminder
what's really important.
who you are,
is truth
found here,
not in the white tower
or in this view or that
but here, 
in the great expanse
laid out before us.
in the awe-inspiring
duality of the sky,
light reflecting on the ocean
next to the blackest of storms
while the waves,
reach out for the shore
greedily taking anything
in their fingers reach.
watching from our perch
small in our spot
giant in our thoughts of you
longing for tangibility
in the intangible
bringing the surroundings
into the songs.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

on finding hope

I'm thinking more, finding hope. 
Realizing I don't have to ascribe to either view, I just have to be able to defend my view.

In other news: 
I went on a drive today and ended up on a beach in washington. 
It was awesome.
Tomorrow I'm going to do it all over again this time with my dear friend Rachel.



All in the process of being found.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Is there Hope?

In my theology class we are currently talking about the Doctrine of God. Which is so good because we are talking about the greatness and goodness of God, the trinity and trying to wrap my mind around that is amazing. BUT, I am having some issues with the Doctrine of Election.  If you don't know what that is I'll give you a brief definition and I'll explain more as I understand more later. The basic definition is that the salvation of a person depends on God electing them, this manifests in many different ways the main ones being Calvinism and Arminianism. I am having a hard time making sense of this doctrine in light of who God is. I have no problem believing that people don't choose God but to think that God doesn't choose some people just doesn't make sense for me in light of who God says He is. I haven't made any concrete decisions about this yet and I'm still learning a lot and studying a lot.  I think the Biblical evidence shows both sides and so I'm trying to figure it out but I'm wrestling. 

I believe in God. I know God is real beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I know that in some ways I will never be able to understand the mind of God or the plan of God. But this idea that God calls some and not others makes me cringe because then I have a hard time seeing God as giving the world hope through Christ and loving the world by sending the Son.  Why doesn't it just say that God gave His chosen hope and loves His chosen. And I know we say that God doesn't send people to hell (whatever that means) only their sins do BUT if God is choosing who are the chosen then isn't he destining some for hell?  I know God is just and I am not saying that but this one of the ways where I see the doctrine of election coming in conflict with God's nature. 

Where's the justice?
Where's the hope?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

signs on our hands

the clock ticks out its steady beat
not slower than it did the day everything went wrong
or faster than the day everything went right
it just ticks
impartial to me and you
or the moments we want to hold for one second longer
because i can hold on to your hand
hoping to keep you in this scene forever
but the wrinkles will crease your eyes
and time will age us
the signs showing on our interlocked fingers
even if i will it not to
but i will not release you
because even if i can't make life one second longer
i can make it infinitely deeper 
challenging time to touch this distance
a revolt and rebellion against its existence
because this is our moment
not times.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


I have a most wonderful friend up here in Portland. Here name is Rachel and she is fantastic. We met at a time when i really needed a friend.  She is one of those people you just can't help but love and I cannot wait until we move in together this April.

Last night she called me up when she got outta class and we ended up going to a little bar down the street from my house and shared a pitcher of beer and listened to some live music and just talked. It was so wonderful. We share life when we are together not just meaningless conversation and I greatly appreciate her and her heart.

Sharing life is good.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Right In Front of My Eyes

I've always had a hard time making friends. I tend to be shy when I meet people which makes it hard but once you get to know me shyness seems silly in many ways.  I long for the close friendships I see around me that I am not a part of. But, because I was so  preoccupied wanting what someone else had I didn't even realize the wonderful friendship I do have. I have four wonderful girl in my life whom I am with right now and I am so thankful that they folded me into their lives, let me live with them, and the fact that we continue to share life even though I have moved to Oregon.

Monday, January 26, 2009

June Would Be Her Name

This girl was made for summer
For shoeless days
And wild hair drying in the sunshine
Her scent is something
Close to fresh cut grass, lavender and starlight
Skirts grace her figure making it easier to dance
Easier to take it all off and jump in the water
Laughter follows her
As well as the faint words of songs you long to know
Her words come out in shapes and colors
Dancing around your head
Making it easy to see her sense
And feel her mood
Her infectious spirit spins you
Into frenzied hyperventilation of happiness

This Side of Today

I held on to you far longer than was healthy
You lived nicely packaged under my bed
Contained in the box I made, 
The picture from your calendar decorating it.
It was amazing how 3 1/2 years 
Could fist so easily in a shoebox
Ten silver dollars, pictures and ticket stubs
All just empty reminders of the pain I carried.
Then one day, packing up life for the first time
I threw it away--and you with it
I was starting new without you
You would be a lesson I learned
A time of life I would remember
But not long for anymore.
So I ran,
I ran to find the person I had never known--
I found her in foreign countries
In the eyes of the people who loved her,
I found her in darkness
And in the light that pervaded the dark she lied in,
In the end when I had the courage 
I looked in the mirror and found her in my eyes.
I had only been lost
Because I did not know how to be found,
So now I walk
Not needing to watch my feet
The ground is not going anywhere anymore,
Eye raised watching everything
Introducing all to who I am being and becoming.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Portland Winter

Life is pleasant. 

It doesn't hurt that we have had sunshine and I have been able to let my feet be free in flip flops. It's also been windy so I've let my hair be wild and blow in the wind. I'm taking my first theology class and I am reveling in the amazingness of it all. I get to write statements of belief and I am excited for that because that means I have to think about what I believe and why I believe it.

I've also started swing dancing.

I think I could live on apples, sandwiches, and cups of stumptown coffee.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

living on the seam of history
experiencing the sunrise
through the lens of a daydream
not missing the perfect perfection
and the impossibility of it all
in light of discovery and nature
asking my questions
and only truly wanting your answers
because no one else knows my heart
you know the beats
and you've counted each one i've missed
so, i look to you in this watershed moment
for every unasked thought
this wrapped up in the missed beats
and in the ones that come to quickly
my ears can't hear its thrumming
but my whole body resonates with its groaning
because this space is getting small
and i don't know how much longer
or how much more my body can take
before i burst under the weight
of this moment
of this season
of this ache that is not yet defined
crying out in muffled pleas
for a glimpse
for something concrete
even for a second to lift this fog


I just keep letting you break my heart
Unable to control the memories it holds
The desires it longs for
I just wish it would warn me
Before it does something stupid like hope

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I left you in another place
Or maybe really you left me
But if we're being honest
There wasn't "anything"
Or any "us" to leave

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I have nothing
Except for this stupid hope I created
And locked myself in 
Without prior consent

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I just want to be free
But freedom alludes
Teases just out of reach
While I am shackled to this false hope

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

If the annoying voice would stop shouting
Then maybe, I could give up
I just don't understand the hold
It makes no sense

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Perfect Response

I won't sing along,
or try to learn the words,
some songs aren't made for that.
These are the ones you simply enjoy.
You close your eyes,
lean your head back,
and imagine the warmth of sunshine in summer.
The scent of the earth,
and the wood dock under your shoulder blades.
The fresh cut grass,
and the clear night of a million stars.
Enveloped in nothing but the perfect rhythm
and clandestine beats.
It couldn't be ruined,
not today.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

A New Year

Portland feels comfortable this time. 
It has been nice to be back. 
It's almost kind of refreshing to be quiet again. 
Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be.
And by maybe I think I mean yes.

What a year for a new year :)