Wednesday, September 30, 2009

rosie thomas.

i'm gonna drive over hills
over mountains and canyons
and boys that keep bringing me down
i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine
drink good wine in vineyards
and get asked to dance
i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by
never ever again.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

time for some poems that have been living in the margins of my life...

"for a chance"

these breaths are on lease
until the air is cleaner
and this silence is on loan
until the music meets the words
balanced precariously
between fingertips
dipped in honey
sticky with pleasure
everything i'm not
but everything i would be
will be
for a chance
at living
where the wind moves easily
in and out of my lungs
and i can sing a song
with words only used
by romance novelists or sailors.



clarity fades in the shade of august
when words lose their meaning
as they are carelessly spoken
under skies being over taken by fall
the worries of winter cloud
the easy rhythm of life
sustained through summer
but teetering on the edge of losing it
one breath away from a warning
one sigh away from revealing
all wrapped up in the falling leaves
ice won't be clinking inside glasses much longer
as red wine takes it place
warming the space inside left by the sun
while an indecisive winter
causes bending of wills
unsure motives leading to unsure decisions
truth lost somewhere in the mist



catching stars in nets
sewn together by my dreams of you
and boozed soaked melodies
that float
and lift
my loose strands of hair
coming undone as i reach for something
because sky scrapers block my view
only my net grazes the infinite
only my dreams are able to break through
my self is blocked in
and suffocating


"she likes"

she likes the way he doesn't fear
her intelligence and wit,
playing into the jokes she tells
when she can't stop laughing at herself.
she likes the fact she can be herself
tattered, abused, used, learning how to be joyful.
he carries patches and mends
the places she doesn't see
and the ones she still tries to hide.
in this tangled dance
no one really knowing the steps,
only knowing they like where this is going
because she likes his eyes on her,
and he like to look.
as they move to the beats
she runs,
hand in hand with him
while he twirls her through the steps.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

thank you.

i have to break a friends heart tomorrow. i have to admit that my actions at times were misleading. i'm learning how to be friends with boys and sadly someone has to be a guinea pig, i'm sorry you are going to get hurt because of me. i've never had to do this before and it sucks. and i'm afraid we'll never be friends the same way again. and you knew everything, all my shit was laid on the table and you didn't run away. people keep asking why i don't feel for you and i don't really know, there is just something missing. there is something missing, the key thing i would need to know that you are more then just my friend. i made some mistakes and tomorrow i have to face up to them and i'm sorry.

but i also need to say thank you. God has been teaching me that i am not my past and i have been trying to learn this lesson. he has been showing me that my bad decisions are not me and that i am enough for him. God has been showing me the love he has for me through the Son even though i have fallen so far so many times. and that is why i need to say thank you. thank you for showing me that someone could still want to be with me even after they know everything. thank you for not being afraid of my failures and for not being afraid for my baggage. thank you for showing me that i am good enough and that i can be loved and that someone can want me.

i don't think i realized how fast i have been holding to the lie that i am not enough, and the lie that no one could love me once they really know me. i have made that lie truth so many times that i couldn't tell the difference anymore. i have believed that happiness wasn't meant for me and that i had my chance and i screwed it up. but i haven't missed my chance. and i do deserve happiness. and i need to let people know me, really know me.

so, i'm sorry i have to hurt you tomorrow.

but, thank you for showing me i can show people the real me and i can still be loved.
thank you for showing me i am good enough.
thank you for not even realizing that God was using you to expose the lie i've been living.
thank you.

i hope you can be my friend again, someday.

Take It Back

A dream is a wish your heart makes?
Allow me to vomit on the very thought.
I dream of goodbyes
Of past loves
Of loves never had.
A dream?
A nightmare.
My mind wants me to believe it is a dream,
My deepest fears at center stage,
Losing those I love,
Or want to love,
Or never being loved at all.
Cinderella can take back her song
And her happy ending dream
Because I don't live in a fairy tale,
And princes don't ride on horseback,
Or come in to save the day.
And this screams of bitterness,
And I may be a strong independent woman,
But that doesn't mean a thing,
I want a happy ending
Like any girl in a frilly dress
With stars still in her eyes.
Because I need to average out
My hello's with my goodbye's
But I have to figure this out
Because I have to live this
Day dreams and wishes my heart make
Only carry me so far.
But is there any other cure?
Any other answer to this bitterness?
But to dream.
To hope.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

there are some people i will never fully let go of. i still carry you with me. my backup, no. my wish, maybe. i feel like i never really got an answer. but i don't know how to ask the right question now, with so much time and space between. perhaps someday i'll know. or maybe i'll forever carry a torch for you. or at least for who you were and where we were and who i was.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

september feels fine.

and i mean real fine. this month has started off wonderful. back in classes and loving it amid all the stress. we are talking about the doctrine of humanity in theology and that has got to be one of the most fascinating things ever to me. exploring what it means to be human to be the imago Dei, the image of God. for me this has always been a very prominent question in my life and i know that it steams from being a woman and now even more so being confronted with the realities that i am not seen as an equal. thinking about what it means to be human changes so many other things in my life and in my theology. and. i. love. it. this month is also the tail end of all of the summer festivals and street fairs and summer concerts and so it is a busy month with things to do and people to see and life to enjoy and experience. goodness is abounding. new friendships. possibilities. i really like september. new favorite month. maybe always favorite month. fall. how i love thee.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Lonely Brunette

she is a woman,
with long brown hair,
not the prettiest,
but beautiful in her own way.

she captures eyes
in a way she doesn't understand,
never one she wants
the bad boy.
the unmotivated.
the manipulative.


the brunette doesn't even raise her eyes
as the crowds cry out,
tearing their hair,
gnashing their teeth,
she knows she's guilty
she's always known.

she doesn't ask for your pity,
this is simply her story,
her past,
her carry-on baggage.

she has learned to carry it,
so don't shame her,
she hasn't asked you to help,
she hasn't even asked you to care,
so pass your judgement
from safe inside your religious prison,
not knowing her past,
or her present,
or what brought her to this point
of disheveled nakedness.

but slowly the crowds silence,
and she allows her irises to wander
no further then her lashes,
and she sees him.

a man,
a little older and clearly a teacher,
but there's something different,
something he commands
simply by his presence.

one in the crowd brave enough,
asks for him to pass judgement,
asks for her death,
she hears nothing,
no response.

and she wonders
how long it will hurt,
how long till its over,
but she feels no pain;
and so she raises her head.

he's staring at her,
not at her nakedness,
something more intimate,
deeper then what the crowds saw,
but there are no more crowds,
they are alone,
but she is not afraid.

in a voice,
filled with ancient strength,
filling her with fear and reverence,
he says,
"leave your life,
follow my teachings,
my life,
my love,
and you will see and know,
but you have to choose."

and so she is left with a choice,
everything else has been stripped away,
she knows her next step,
now she must take it.