Learning How to Plant

I have moved 10 times in the last 5 years. And in April it will make it number 11. I'm tired. Someone once told me you move more than anyone I know. Most of the time people just ask why I move so much. I honestly don't know. Sometimes it's because I have to; other times it's because I can't stay (and those are two very different reasons).

Either way, I'm tired.

I need to learn how to grow something. Plant something and then harvest something. I need to learn how to farm instead of just gathering along the way and not being able to take everything with me. I don't know when I can stop enough to do that...in a year and a half I'll be moving to Brazil (most likely) for 6 months to a year.

What then? After that? A garden?

There's more to this I can feel it in my stomach. I don't know what yet, but there is more.

Perhaps You'll Hear

I want you to remember me

Remember me like the night on the beach

With the wind so strong

Our voices flew behind us

And yet somehow, our laughter stayed.

Remember the freezing car ride

Staying close to stay warm

Just tired enough, to not know what was going on.

Remember the words we exchanged

And the words we didn't

With the look only we saw.

I want you to remember me

Enough to not forget me

To think of me fondly

And to one day come back to me.

Typical Samantha

Things generally happen to me that other people can't believe. I live most days saying "really? really!? Did that honestly just happen!" Since living in Portland I have had consistently odd things happen to me. Here's a sampling:

-My drivers side window got smashed in (i obviously did not do this to myself but it has happened since being in Portland)

-Flooded my bathroom

-slipped and fell (may have broken my toe)

-Consistently injure myself  on the corners of things

-Started a grease fire in my kitchen, almost burned down my apartment building, which then resulted in small burns on my legs

-Electrocuted myself

This isn't an exhaustive list but it gives you an idea of what goes on in my life. Whether it's daily or weekly things aren't exactly normal but then again normal would be not fun whatsoever :)

I cry out in the dark

Recieving my answer in the light

Hearing your word

In the tranquility of your morning,

I haven't seen the sun in days

But something about the morning shines,

With doves eyes I see the day

Spread out before me

As I fight for joy,

Ripping off my sackcloth

Washing off the ash

Putting on linen,

In the silent revery of this moment

To dance to a tune that's just for me

For I am not mourning

But I am present in your temple

In the center of your love.

Hear My children and know that I am the Lord your God. I will never forget you. Look at the trees and know that I am there. Feel the wind and know that I am speaking. You have heard My voice and yet you forget it. 

You forget My provision and My plan for your life. But I have bought you at a great price so that we could be together. When you hear Me again you will remember My love for you. My children if you remember nothing else remember My love. Remember that I chose you not because of anything you could offer Me but because I love you. And remember that I continue choosing you today.

Hello fall, meet Samantha.

The Truth That Hurts

This is one of those songs that says goodbye

That is thrown away because of pain

Not even given a second glance

Because goodbye is too permanent,

And I don't do permanent,

I keep things surface level

Because I'm not gonna hurt

I'm not gonna care

That way when you say goodbye 

I don't even have to give a sad contemplative sigh

Because I won't mind,

Or at least that's what I'll tell you,

I'll tell you I don't care 

And that I will shed no tears over your memory,

If I even decide to keep memories of you,

And you might even believe my hard exterior

And my nonchalant ways

But the truth--

The truth is I feel too much

And my heart will ache with your goodbye

And I will cry,

But I will wait until you leave

Because I try to be tough

And I try to build wall that you can't climb

When really I've made it so I can't climb out,

And so is this my future behind a wall?

Never having to say goodbye,

But never given the opportunity to say hello...

My Thoughts in a Day

My life is getting personal

In real tangible ways

That feel like soft breezes on cloudy days

And late night walks

With autumn colored tree lined paths

Leading to a cup of tea

And a warm embrace

With songs ringing through my ears

In a fall that feels like winter

Living in a place that is not home

Hoping to make it feel like home

Knowing that home feels like you

But trying not to let my mind wander that far

Throwing those thoughts off this bridge

Because it might be high enough to kill them

But my heart is invested in the future

And I can almost reach out and touch it

If I don't over analyze it first

"Set Up"

With a quick breath in

And one last look

Holding on possibly too long

Little did you know

What they were all anticipating

Getting set up 

To fail miserably

Or to change lives

No longer just an innocent evening

Two outcomes but

Only one is truly wanted.

Hanging On

The more I'm bought the less I cost. 

And I've been bought a few times. 

I've been bought by people who would throw me away 

when they got what they needed or 

when I wouldn't give them what they wanted. 

I've been bought by people who thought they loved me, 

but grew out of their love for me. 

I've been bought by people whom I thought I loved, 

but then I grew out of my love for them. 

Being bruised and cut bringing baggage wherever I go 

pained with the honesty I must profess. 

Hanging on the blessing of forgiveness 

and the promise of a hope and a future. 

Knowing that being bought can be beautiful 

if placed in hands that don't grow weary or tired with me and my baggage. 

Holding on to the hope that love can exist.  

Autumn mornings allow wool sweater to come 

out of the trunk and be thrown on,

as the tea kettle whistles

filled with lavender tea

that echos over the hard wood floors

while being

"a sweet autumn green eyed girl"

echos back in sweet give and take

like the sun trying to gain ground

over the impending clouds of winter

late at night

So most days I'm pretty much convinced that I am a introvert pretending to be an extrovert. I am completely crazy because I moved 17 hours away from home and 7 hours away from 4 of my best friends to a town where I know no one. I am not very good at making friends and most of that comes from the fact that I am terrified to try and that is something I need to figure out. Once I figure out how to get over my insecurities and let these new people see what everyone else sees all will be fine but until then I am a little home sick and friend sick and trying to kick my butt into shape and be the person I know I am. 

My Heart Broke a Little Tonight

So some background on my life. I have one roommate and she has a fiancé and we spend most evenings together because I know very few people and they don't do anything. Today he was talking about an email he got from a church he used to go to and how they got a new youth director and that they were starting a new thing where every last Sunday of the month they were going to go out into the community and serve the homeless and just the community in general on those last Sundays each month. Now me I was thinking about how awesome that was. They were exposing the high school students to a part of life they would probably rarely interact with. On top of all of that they were living out the gospel in loving these people and the greatest commandment. If we are loving others who are the imago dei (image of God) then we are loving God; at least these are the ways I think.

(Side note as to what's going on in my life right now: I am reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne right now and working on my Masters in Intercultural Studies because I want to live out the gospel here and abroad because I realized I wanted to do more then teach about Jesus I wanted to live like Jesus and show people Jesus, which I know you can do in a classroom but that isn't what God has put on my heart. CONCLUSION: I'm really into being in the community and living out what Jesus preached right now and always and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.)

My roommate and her fiancé did not like this idea of taking the high schoolers out into the community on Sundays. They (really only he did the talking) feel that children should be with their parents on Sunday’s and that they should be in church on Sunday because it is the Sabbath. I brought up the fact that the Sabbath isn't Sunday but just a day one sets aside to rest in God and worship God. He just kind of scoffed at this (not angry like but a scoff) and said yes but it is also a day set aside for worshiping God (somehow he couldn't see how spending time with the homeless was worshiping and loving God). Then I brought up the fact that they are living out the gospel and following Jesus by doing this. (Once again another scoff) He said that was the reason that the youth director used but he maintained that children should be in church on Sundays with their families and he said that by doing this they are breaking the first commandment which says love God first and then others second. And that is where our discussion ended.

My heart broke. I couldn't believe that he would look down upon people living out the gospel. I know he would have hated the church I went to in Humboldt because we didn't have church some Sundays so that people would be encouraged to go out and do service projects. I hated (yes a strong word) the way he looked at the greatest commandment. He saw them as two separate commandments when that isn’t at all what Jesus was saying. (Now you can argue with me on this that’s fine I’m just going off of what a pastor of mine once preached on and also what I personally see in the scriptures and in Jesus’ life) These two commandments go hand in hand; if we are honestly loving God then we will not be able to stop loving God’s people and since we are each image bearers by loving one another we are loving God. My roommates fiancé said that they should just do it on a different day but I think it is great they are doing it on a Sunday; a day that is notoriously known for bad drivers and bad tippers. Why don’t we try giving a different perception of Sunday’s since Sunday is just another day. We made Sunday the day to go to church not God, Shabbat (the Sabbath in Hebrew) is really from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday. In my opinion the best way to worship God and learn about God is to live out the gospel.

So my heart hurt tonight.

"Surgery"

Winter spring summer fall

Seasons of ached longing

Longing for water inside

Quenching thirst with desire

Passion with prescribed medication

Finding reasons for stitches

Pulled out in sections

Hidden choices and decisions

wild apples ripen

all fall turns

late in season

ideal for roasting

presses getting ready

a bathtub setting

Warm breezes blow in from the east

gently moving the papers on the table

papers filled with poetry

filled with lists

and filled with notes

sending chills up my spine in this quiet apartment

Living North

So, I am in love with Missy Higgins. I had always liked but these past couple weeks I have just become a full blown lover of her music. I bought her CD On A Clear Night today and there was a song on it that I hadn't hear called "Going North" and I'm pretty sure she wrote it for me. Find it and listen to it if you ever get the chance. 

I wanna dance the tango with chance

I wanna ride on the wire

Cos nothing gets done with dust in your gun

And nobody respects a liar

So goodbye for a while I'm off to explore

Every boundery and every door

Yeah I'm going north

I wanna know where children go

If they never learnt to be cool

Cos nothings achieved when when pushed up a sleeve

Till nobody thinks you're a fool

So goodbye for a while I am out to learn more

About who I really was before

Yeah I'm going north

Up where the hunted hide with ease

Under the arms of eye-less trees

Up where the answers fall like leaves

Oh and your love is all I need

Yeah I'm going north

I accidentally fell in love with you.

Somewhere inbetween here and there I found you in my sight,

growing moss from being forgotten.

The cheaply fastened box did not hide my secrets very well

as we shared our treasure troves.

I pretended that I did not care that you

(an accident)

could see me so intimately. 

I kick the curb

with untied shoelaces

finding it so easy to trip and fall,

over my words

that needlessly and thoughtlessly come out

in twos and threes

and sometimes entire phrases of worthless banter

meant to fill the void in this room that I find,

uncomfortable 

and so I attempt to fill it

with something--anything

to take my mind off the pit in my stomach

and the ache in my heart

A Practice in Pink

Pink flamingos that run through fields of red #40 and yellow #5 trying to break through a world of tutus and Barbie and Hello Kitty, all the while attempting to hold on to punk rock hair and hide the kind of scars that only cherry blossoms can leave behind, as you're stuck in the margin lines of rose petals and babies not wanting one or the other because to give in means to give up on sunsets and speeding tickets...

Perfect Plastic Casing

trying to live in a moving box

contents wrapped in plastic bags

seemingly safe from harm

but cause for a noisy existence

everything untouchable in its

perfect

plastic

casing

visible in its loneliness

not sure how to reach out

without pushing away

plastic casing is safer

but who wants to hug a bag?

with its cold staticy edges

when flesh and blood live next door

a warm body will always win

cuz it's about nearness not perfection

and being close is a luxury

a luxury that a plastic bag will never know

Portland Playlist

Missy Higgins

Norah Jones

The Decemberists 

Iron&Wine

I'm going to go to the Tao of Tea today. My first adventure alone into downtown!

This song has been one I can't get enough of lately. 

It's "Forgive Me" by Missy Higgins:

Oh my son look at what I've done

But I am learning still

Learning still

Know that I am learning still

And oh my wife you are my life

And I am burning still

Burning still

Know that I am burning for you still

And all, all of my light is for you

And home, home's anywhere you are too

So take this one fallen man on his knees

Saying please forgive me

Oh my God how you make it hard

Not to pick the apple

Pick the apple

And Lord I long to give it back

And I was on shaky land

Lost and unsure I opened my hand

And she held it like sinking sand

And all, all, all of my light is for you

And home, home's anywhere you are too

So take this one fallen man on his knees

Saying please

All, all, all of my light is for you

And home, home's anywhere you are too

So take this one fallen man on his knees 

Saying please forgive me

Forgive me

Forgive me

So I am just feeling sorry for myself lately. I'm going to get over it!! All the school stuff starts on thursday with orientation and I think after that I'll feel better. Right now I just want to pack up and go home but I've gotta give it time and try and so I will! Massive amounts of tea will get me through!!

In my New Living Room

I need a friend. I'm really trying not to be lonely but my dad left today and it's all kinda starting to hit me. The girl I'm living with is nice but we are very different to say the least. I'm afraid I might scare her a little bit. Oh goodness gracious...I think unpacking my room and going for a walk will make me feel better. I hope so.

Last Day in California

So, I'm moving to Oregon tomorrow. I feel like I have so much to say but neither the energy or desire to do so. So much has changed in me this summer. Maybe some other time. Talk to you from Oregon.

JJ Heller's New Album

If you have ever heard of JJ Heller then you know she is amazing. If you haven't heard of her music then you need too!! Here's your chance!! She is giving away her new album for free to download through November. Take this opportunity to become acquainted with her music. Her music has changed my life maybe it'll do the same for you.

'>http://

I'm Feeling Better

I took some deep breathes.
Talked to Eric Weitzel.
Got more information about Portland.
What could be better? (nutella with feta on toast)

I am terribly afriad that I am making the wrong decision. Things aren't fitting together as perfectly as I hoped. I don't know what to do I am so confused.

"Three Years Remembered"

I can see the moonlight--

dark and crisp over the salty air.

Warm with a tropical freshness

and the oceans forever blue.

Stars come out to greet me

in this rolling ocean but

it is the moon that demands my attention.

It's luminous grandeur

that reflect across the pacific

daring me to dream

and hope

on its endless light.

This silver crested scene

could be three years remembered

but today is new.

New eyes watch this moonlight roll

and these waves break,

A new person lets this warm

salty air blow through her hair,

For I am not three years remembered

and the past is a lesson I don't

need to live again.

So, I will be the image of today

and the hope of tomorrow.

I'm Better Than This

I'm not this kind of girl. I feel too much. I get too involved. And then in the end my heart hurts and my feelings get hurt. I want to be mad, and I am for probably the next day and most likely the next time I see you, but I'm pretty sure you just don't know how to talk to me. You do know how to talk to me because you have, but I think it makes you nervous because you only do it when we're alone. I wanted to throw a water bottle at the back of your head as had as I could today and say "Oops it slipped" but I didn't. I know you aren't intentionally trying to hurt me. I have said a lot of mean things about you today to other people and I don't really mean them I'm just hurt and it's easier to be mad then cry. I wasn't going to pine over you but I would have liked to have been your friend. I enjoyed hearing about your life and I enjoyed sharing about mine. You were interested in what I was doing in my life and that meant a lot to me. I'll let you try and redeem yourself if you can man-up and do it because you are a good person. But right now, I don't have the time to be upset because you're cute but not that cute and I'm better than this.

Road Tripping for A Day

Tomorrow I am going to Calvin Crest to visit friends.
I can't wait.
My soul could use some friendship and green trees.
One day turn around but it's better then nothing!

I am Exctied for This:

Summer's Playlist (or the artists I can't get enough of)

1. Priscilla Ahn (favorite song: Are We Different? and Rain)
2. Mates of State (the wonderful new album, My Only Offer is a love of mine)
3. Adele (i love Chasing Pavements but also Not Drunk Enough)
4.The Honorary Title (love The City's Summer)
5. American Bang (just wanna dance)
6. The Ting Tings (just wanna dance some more)
7. Iron&Wine - The Shepherd's Dog (i've had this CD for awhile but i am loving it this summer)
8. The Submarines (so freaking good!! i love You, Me & The Bourgeoise)
9. Old Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers (specifically albums: Damn the Torpedoes and Full Moon Fever, favorite song Yer So Bad)
10. New Found Glory (the only song i listen to is their remake of The King of Wishful Thinking)
11. Jason Mraz - We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things (this new album is awesome in my opinion)

That's it for now I am sure more will be added through out the summer but for now this is good. I'm off to the races...

The Quietness of Noise

My life is quiet right now. But good, so good. I spend a lot of time reading and laying by the pool of course. I am currently enraptured with The Prophet by Kahil Gibran. My soul needed it and I'm just drinking it up. It's funny I don't think quiet is the right word for my life because I live with my parents and my 9 year old sister and 4 year old brother and I live in the living room and I don't have a door or really any window coverings and so my life is a bit naked right now. Everything is spread out in all directions for everyone to see and that includes me. I'm enjoying it and finding peace in this madness :) God completely has surprised me with where I am and what I am doing. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing much of anything and I wish had gone to Calvin Crest but I'm doing tons of stuff and I have people I need to be with and things I need to do that Calvin Crest wouldn't allow.

I'm helping my grandparents clean out all of there closets this summer and the stories I've gotten about family members and what different pieces of clothing mean to my grandma (and the rocking 70's sunglasses) are priceless. In one day I've learned so much about my grandparents and my family. Last week I took a ten mile walk with mom from Marina Del Ray through Venice almost to Santa Monica just the two of us. All we did was talk and it was a sweet sweet time. My entire family (grandparents, parents and siblings) is taking a cruise together which should be crazy and fun. I get to be a bridesmaid for my dear friends Cindy and Kyle. I was there when they met and when they feel love and I feel honored to be included in their day. I am seeing Fergie in concert with my mom and sister! Not my first choice but I love my mom and sister so I am going. And then my dad and I are going to drive to Portland just the two of us. I'm excited for what God will do with that trip and what will come of it.

So life is noisy but so quiet and serene. Life is beautiful. I am happy to be where I am.

It's summer time....Time to learn how to Let go and Hold on

Give me another place to stand.
Reaching for an open palm
That is facing the wrong way for me to hold
Aimlessly losing grip
Blamed on bad timing.

Oceans of memories and unanswered unasked questions
Would take longer than a plane ride
Over the Pacific.

So take three steps to the right
And I’ll take four to the left,
And maybe things will become clear,
Maybe the ocean will shrink,
Maybe our continents will meet,
Or maybe we’ll figure out how to not lose grip.

Are we learning how to create?

My senior project is done and in. I wrote a paper about Jesus' relationship with women. What that looked like, what that meant for women then, what that means for us today. I am a poor judge of my own writing and I often think my writing sucks but somehow I pass, so I guess it's not as bad as I think. So of course I have no idea how good my paper is but regardless I loved it. I loved every part of this because of everything I learned and how it affected me on a personal level. Some of the best things I learned I didn't even use in my paper. I'm still processing a lot of it now that I can actually take a step back and soak in what I learned instead of putting it in thought form appropriate for a phenomenological paper.


Last summer when my teammates and I were planning out our lessons for AIM during O-week we were having problems figuring out what to say and teach. Then we got the advice that regardless of the problems you may be having theologically or with the church go back to Jesus. Go back to the root to the foundation and start from there. And I took that advice again. I was going to write on feminist theology but then I realized what I really wanted to know was what Jesus had to say about women. I wanted to know how I, as a woman, fit into Christianity. I wanted to know where my authority came from. I wanted to know in a world where women are told no and religion is used against them what Jesus was actually saying for them.


In the end I was sad and disappointed. I was sad and disappointed that women have been excluded from leadership due to an apostolic tradition that they were left out of not because of Jesus, but because of men with agendas that wrote down everything. I was sad that verses have been skewed and taken out of context to keep women in abusive relationships. I was frustrated because I feel like we follow Paul more then we follow Christ. I was sad and frustrated with women today who wrote that we are wrong to look for equality and to think that there were female disciples. I was angry that a Christian women author said that God could not possibly be female and then proceeded to quote verses that distinctly give God motherly attributes and said that these verses don't mean anything. I was sad that these types of books are sold and given to women within Christianity as authoritative. I was sad that we place so much weight in gender when God is non-gendered and Jesus was ontologically male but that means absolutely nothing to the grand scheme of who Jesus is and what his message is. I was sad that the first time I heard this revolutionary message of Christ's love and respect for women was in my senior thesis class and not in my church.


At the same time I was happy and filled with joy in the end. I was ecstatic that Jesus gave authority to women and included them within his disciples. I was ecstatic that there were three main women disciples. I was overjoyed that Martha was never in the kitchen. I was overjoyed that you do not have to choose between being a Martha or a Mary but that it is about a balance between them. I was happy to learn my history as a Christian female and wrestle with it. I was excited to see that Jesus called for an authentic existence between the sexes. I was encouraged that Jesus did not tell women that they should suffer silently but that they should stand up against unjust suffering. I loved that Jesus gave women voices and let them speak. I was happy to see women letting their hair down and Jesus affiriming them. I was happy to see women speaking out and speaking up in faith and Jesus affiriming them. I loved that without the women's testimony that Jesus was really dead and that his tomb was really empty then never would have been Christianity, because everyone else ran away. I was encouraged that redemptive readings are possible. I was encouraged that 10 women got into the party and that we need to watch for his coming and that these are two different stories are not one to hurt women. I love that acts of love are encouraged. I love that women are examples when men run away. I love that women have been there since the beginning and that Luke had the courage to write that down so that his community would know. I found joy in the fact that Jesus revealed his identity to women and that many believed because of women. I love that no one is excluded.

In the end I am determined more then anything else. I am determined to live like I have authority and that I have every right to be where I am and do what I want to do. I am determined to live the life Christ opened up to me as a women. I am determined.



The Five Virgins by Thomas Merton

There were five virgins
Rowdies
Who arrived for the Wedding of the Lamb

With their motor-scooters burned out
And their gas tanks
Empty

But since they knew how to
Dance
They were told to
Stick around anyhow.

So that's it: there were
Five rowdy virgins
Without gas
But really caught up
In the action.

There were then ten virgins
At the Wedding of the Lamb.

Where are you going with your life?
Good question...
It's only have past yesterday,
I'm just trying to walk without wobbling.

Counting the days on one Hand

I am immersed in a world of feminist theology, liberation theology, and Jesus.
It is a pretty good place to be.
And to think I get a degree for doing something I love.
It is stressful but the amount I've read and learned has all been worth it.
More details about this wonderfulness in mere days as I finish.

Oh what a day...

I take step aerobics (you read right, don't worry). And I have short legs, let's face it no one has ever mistaken me for tall. Well today we were doing this thing where we kind of skip over the top of the step going the longest direction. I usually don't participate in this exercise because of the short leg problem but today I felt energetic and thought why not!! Well energetic or not I still have short legs and low and behold I fell. Right in the middle of class in the middle of the classroom. My foot slips off the edge of the step and I fall hard on to the ground. The best part as my foot was slipping I managed to land on it on it's side resulting now in a mild sprain. Luckily for me do I do this so often I just laughed it off, left class and had my roommate pick me up, and now I am icing it.


Welcome to the madness that is my life.

We are growing in the direction of our future.

The future we've dreamed,
and painted,
and set music to.

That is so foolishly and easily forgotten
in a moment of weakness or frustration.

As it hangs perilously on the head of a dandelion,
fragile,
and unaware.

But as the wind, picks it up
and carries it to a new destination,
The sunlight catch the glimmer of hope,
that is quickly remembered
as the new dandelions take root.

A Longing

The girl in canary yellow,
with sunflowers growing out of her steps,
gracefully skips over the cracks of her day.

Peculiarly not worrying.
Letting herself be blessed by freedom
and extra time.

Walking gently on a tightrope,
balancing her faith
in the blossoming of spring and midday rains.

I have a porch..

Today it is extremely sunny and warm (and by warm I mean warm for Humboldt so that means over like 65 degrees maybe even around 70!). So I am going to lay on my porch (because I have a porch off of my bedroom) and read and enjoy the sunshine. Off to the sun...

I'm Yours

In You -- I am free
In You -- I have authority and a place at the table
In You -- I am me
In You -- I can wear my hair long and wild
In You -- I am a temple
In You -- I can love and be loved
In You -- I can dance and be joyous in every circumstance
In You -- I am not held back
In You -- I am given a voice
In You -- I have made the better decision
In You -- I can ruffle feathers and hold on to truth

breathing slowly and deeply

My life is currently spinning out of control. I found out that I am 2 units short of graduating and I have been jumping through hoops the past 2 weeks trying to get classes and then signatures and now I have to wait for an appointment I have on Monday to get one more persons approval. My grad school application was sent off yesterday and now I have to just wait. To top it all off I have a 25 page paper due in a month and I am at a loss for how to accomplish that. In the midst of all of it I am not worried. Oddly and strangely I am at peace and taking one day at a time. I have even tried to be worried but it's not happening. I'm not quiting any of my responsibilities I'm just not letting them get to me. I have been earnestly praying this entire time for God to take my worry and just for everything to be ok....and God answered. There was no booming voice out of the heaven's saying it'll all be ok but there has been this sense of peace over the whole situation. And there have been butterflies. Not the kind you get when you see a cute boy or girl but the kind with wings that fly. For the past two weeks I have spent a lot of time on my porch in the sunshine and every time I am out there reading, writing, or just listening to nature or music there have been butterflies flying around. Now I know it is spring but I haven't seen them anywhere else and I know that those butterflies are just a little sign for me. And so I am just breathing slowly and deeply and taking it all as it comes to me and remembering that it is not in my hands.

Reasons Why I am staying at home this summer (among others)

Sunday...Wonderful...Sunday...

I'm going to spend it in a coffee shop.
A little me and Jesus time.
A little poetry time.
A little homework time.
The most wonderfulest part is that all of those include me and Jesus time.
My poetry time is Jesus time.
My homework time consists of reading about Jesus and women in the gospel's.
To top it all off...Catalyst...more me and Jesus time and more rejuvenation for my soul.

I broke open my head,
and it is all
spilling out on the the table,
everything fighting for its voice
and to be heard,
begging for the chance to be tangible.

I broke open my heart,
and it is all
spilling out and staining my shirt
with cherry blossoms and fresh cut grass,
fiercely compassionate and brimming with tears.

Screaming at you to see me--
Throwing punches at you so you'll feel me--
Trying to piece myself back together so that maybe you'll love me.

Something is overflowing inside of me. Let's call it peace. Let's call it excitement. Let's call it happiness. Let's call it affirmation. Let's call it love. Let's call it unexpected. Let's call it the future.

My Laundry List

I hate Incubus not because they are a bad band but because they are from a part of my life I don’t inhabit anymore.

I can’t listen to the song “When You Say Nothing At All” because we were going to dance to it our wedding.

I’m not really sure if I like the Decemberists but I feel the need to listen to them this evening and the past few evenings.

I want to be soo very happy for my friends getting married but I am also very jealous (even though I have so many things I want to do before I even think about marriage).

I want to go to you when I have a bad day but I don’t think you would understand why I was going to you and you would just laugh and be awkward.

If you asked me to follow you around the world and love you I would in a heart beat…but I am afraid I am just in love with the idea of who you were and who I was but who are we now?

I wanted to call you tonight and ask you if you still thought about me, but what would that do?
And how would I feel if you said no? And in all reality deep down I want you to think about me and realize what a fool you were…sometimes I’m not a very nice person especially since I would never take you back.

Whenever I see you I want to run to you and have you hold me, even though you have never held me before. It’s a good thing I don’t ever see you then.

Sometimes I still have a hard time facing what I have done and who I have been and I am afraid I will become that person again.

I would love you if you asked me to. I’ll never ask though and neither will you and I’m glad.

I am listening for the soundtrack and the storyline to where I am going. And I like where it is going and I like that I get to help in the creation but I am not the Creator.

I am losing my idea of superman.

A cape and a funny red 'S' can only be held on to for so long,
Fragility becomes present in the wake of reality.

Tear filled phone calls reveal unwanted truths
About a man who's larger then life in these eyes
That so desperately want to hold on
To the superhero.

All around me people are either getting married or having babies.

I'm trying to learn how to be ok with being single in a world where everyone around me is in a relationship.

The scars of flesh mean very little,

in my eyes

when I look at the reflection in the mirror.


Bumps and bruises,
surgeries and tissue damage,
stitches and being sown together.
Creating a mysterious mosaic
that is not as enigmatic as people believe.


My scars are not me
merely a part of the perfect creation
I have been made to be.

words i thought i would never say

I'm a fighter, hard to believe but I am. I don't like to do things I don't like and I don't like it when my perfect little life plan gets messed up. Last time my life plan got messed up it took me two years to recover and I had to move 10 hours away from everything I knew just to regain some sense of who I was and where I was going. This time is not as extreme but God has challenged me with a life plan I had not anticipated.

I am applying to seminary.

I have kicked and screamed against this idea for quite a long time. My father has always wanted me to go to seminary but no I've had to be a rebel (comical if you have ever heard about my birth mom) and go to secular school to get my religious studies degree. When I told my grandma about going to seminary and how it finally just made sense why not go to a Christian school to get my MA in Theology and she said finally. I have been the only one who hasn't been able to see this plan from the beginning. I've been fighting and God has quietly just been saying yes waiting for me to stop fighting. So, I'm applying to Western Seminary in Portland, OR yes my friends Oregon not California. Am I terrified? Yes. Do I think it is what I should do? I have never felt more peace about a decision. Sometimes I'm convinced I get a kick out of moving to cities or doing things where I am going to know absolutely no one. My dad always said he wouldn't ever want to leave Bakersfield because everyone knows him and my grandparents and the Thorp last name. For me this is something I have never wanted. I've always wanted to find my own place in the world and establish my life not based on my families ties but solely on being me and my abilities. I've been doing that and it has been an experience and I have met some amazing people because of it and I have learned so much about myself. The difference this time is that I'm not running away from anything but more like I'm running towards something...I'm not sure yet what I'm running to but it's a future and I'm excited for what it will hold.

....an attempt to be free...

My voice---caught.
In my throat by the beak of the bird
that is captured within my ribcage.

She spreads out her wings
and feathers
tickle
my insides
and
brush my inner skin
as she remembers what it was like
to be free

Free to move and sing
not locked in place by who
SHE believes she has to be
but allowed to be who she has the potential to be.

i'm coming back to write soon i promise.
life has been wild.
last semester at humboldt state.
i moved into a new house up here.
i have no idea what i am going to do with my future.
i am looking at seminaries.
i desire to be loved.
i desire more than ever to find God in my life.