Friday, December 19, 2008
Either way, I'm tired.
I need to learn how to grow something. Plant something and then harvest something. I need to learn how to farm instead of just gathering along the way and not being able to take everything with me. I don't know when I can stop enough to do that...in a year and a half I'll be moving to Brazil (most likely) for 6 months to a year.
What then? After that? A garden?
There's more to this I can feel it in my stomach. I don't know what yet, but there is more.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
(Side note as to what's going on in my life right now: I am reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne right now and working on my Masters in Intercultural Studies because I want to live out the gospel here and abroad because I realized I wanted to do more then teach about Jesus I wanted to live like Jesus and show people Jesus, which I know you can do in a classroom but that isn't what God has put on my heart. CONCLUSION: I'm really into being in the community and living out what Jesus preached right now and always and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.)
My roommate and her fiancé did not like this idea of taking the high schoolers out into the community on Sundays. They (really only he did the talking) feel that children should be with their parents on Sunday’s and that they should be in church on Sunday because it is the Sabbath. I brought up the fact that the Sabbath isn't Sunday but just a day one sets aside to rest in God and worship God. He just kind of scoffed at this (not angry like but a scoff) and said yes but it is also a day set aside for worshiping God (somehow he couldn't see how spending time with the homeless was worshiping and loving God). Then I brought up the fact that they are living out the gospel and following Jesus by doing this. (Once again another scoff) He said that was the reason that the youth director used but he maintained that children should be in church on Sundays with their families and he said that by doing this they are breaking the first commandment which says love God first and then others second. And that is where our discussion ended.
My heart broke. I couldn't believe that he would look down upon people living out the gospel. I know he would have hated the church I went to in Humboldt because we didn't have church some Sundays so that people would be encouraged to go out and do service projects. I hated (yes a strong word) the way he looked at the greatest commandment. He saw them as two separate commandments when that isn’t at all what Jesus was saying. (Now you can argue with me on this that’s fine I’m just going off of what a pastor of mine once preached on and also what I personally see in the scriptures and in Jesus’ life) These two commandments go hand in hand; if we are honestly loving God then we will not be able to stop loving God’s people and since we are each image bearers by loving one another we are loving God. My roommates fiancé said that they should just do it on a different day but I think it is great they are doing it on a Sunday; a day that is notoriously known for bad drivers and bad tippers. Why don’t we try giving a different perception of Sunday’s since Sunday is just another day. We made Sunday the day to go to church not God, Shabbat (the Sabbath in Hebrew) is really from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday. In my opinion the best way to worship God and learn about God is to live out the gospel.
So my heart hurt tonight.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I can see the moonlight--
dark and crisp over the salty air.
Warm with a tropical freshness
and the oceans forever blue.
Stars come out to greet me
in this rolling ocean but
it is the moon that demands my attention.
It's luminous grandeur
that reflect across the pacific
daring me to dream
on its endless light.
This silver crested scene
could be three years remembered
but today is new.
New eyes watch this moonlight roll
and these waves break,
A new person lets this warm
salty air blow through her hair,
For I am not three years remembered
and the past is a lesson I don't
need to live again.
So, I will be the image of today
and the hope of tomorrow.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
2. Mates of State (the wonderful new album, My Only Offer is a love of mine)
3. Adele (i love Chasing Pavements but also Not Drunk Enough)
4.The Honorary Title (love The City's Summer)
5. American Bang (just wanna dance)
6. The Ting Tings (just wanna dance some more)
7. Iron&Wine - The Shepherd's Dog (i've had this CD for awhile but i am loving it this summer)
8. The Submarines (so freaking good!! i love You, Me & The Bourgeoise)
9. Old Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers (specifically albums: Damn the Torpedoes and Full Moon Fever, favorite song Yer So Bad)
10. New Found Glory (the only song i listen to is their remake of The King of Wishful Thinking)
11. Jason Mraz - We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things (this new album is awesome in my opinion)
That's it for now I am sure more will be added through out the summer but for now this is good. I'm off to the races...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I'm helping my grandparents clean out all of there closets this summer and the stories I've gotten about family members and what different pieces of clothing mean to my grandma (and the rocking 70's sunglasses) are priceless. In one day I've learned so much about my grandparents and my family. Last week I took a ten mile walk with mom from Marina Del Ray through Venice almost to Santa Monica just the two of us. All we did was talk and it was a sweet sweet time. My entire family (grandparents, parents and siblings) is taking a cruise together which should be crazy and fun. I get to be a bridesmaid for my dear friends Cindy and Kyle. I was there when they met and when they feel love and I feel honored to be included in their day. I am seeing Fergie in concert with my mom and sister! Not my first choice but I love my mom and sister so I am going. And then my dad and I are going to drive to Portland just the two of us. I'm excited for what God will do with that trip and what will come of it.
So life is noisy but so quiet and serene. Life is beautiful. I am happy to be where I am.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Reaching for an open palm
That is facing the wrong way for me to hold
Aimlessly losing grip
Blamed on bad timing.
Oceans of memories and unanswered unasked questions
Would take longer than a plane ride
Over the Pacific.
So take three steps to the right
And I’ll take four to the left,
And maybe things will become clear,
Maybe the ocean will shrink,
Maybe our continents will meet,
Or maybe we’ll figure out how to not lose grip.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Last summer when my teammates and I were planning out our lessons for AIM during O-week we were having problems figuring out what to say and teach. Then we got the advice that regardless of the problems you may be having theologically or with the church go back to Jesus. Go back to the root to the foundation and start from there. And I took that advice again. I was going to write on feminist theology but then I realized what I really wanted to know was what Jesus had to say about women. I wanted to know how I, as a woman, fit into Christianity. I wanted to know where my authority came from. I wanted to know in a world where women are told no and religion is used against them what Jesus was actually saying for them.
In the end I was sad and disappointed. I was sad and disappointed that women have been excluded from leadership due to an apostolic tradition that they were left out of not because of Jesus, but because of men with agendas that wrote down everything. I was sad that verses have been skewed and taken out of context to keep women in abusive relationships. I was frustrated because I feel like we follow Paul more then we follow Christ. I was sad and frustrated with women today who wrote that we are wrong to look for equality and to think that there were female disciples. I was angry that a Christian women author said that God could not possibly be female and then proceeded to quote verses that distinctly give God motherly attributes and said that these verses don't mean anything. I was sad that these types of books are sold and given to women within Christianity as authoritative. I was sad that we place so much weight in gender when God is non-gendered and Jesus was ontologically male but that means absolutely nothing to the grand scheme of who Jesus is and what his message is. I was sad that the first time I heard this revolutionary message of Christ's love and respect for women was in my senior thesis class and not in my church.
At the same time I was happy and filled with joy in the end. I was ecstatic that Jesus gave authority to women and included them within his disciples. I was ecstatic that there were three main women disciples. I was overjoyed that Martha was never in the kitchen. I was overjoyed that you do not have to choose between being a Martha or a Mary but that it is about a balance between them. I was happy to learn my history as a Christian female and wrestle with it. I was excited to see that Jesus called for an authentic existence between the sexes. I was encouraged that Jesus did not tell women that they should suffer silently but that they should stand up against unjust suffering. I loved that Jesus gave women voices and let them speak. I was happy to see women letting their hair down and Jesus affiriming them. I was happy to see women speaking out and speaking up in faith and Jesus affiriming them. I loved that without the women's testimony that Jesus was really dead and that his tomb was really empty then never would have been Christianity, because everyone else ran away. I was encouraged that redemptive readings are possible. I was encouraged that 10 women got into the party and that we need to watch for his coming and that these are two different stories are not one to hurt women. I love that acts of love are encouraged. I love that women are examples when men run away. I love that women have been there since the beginning and that Luke had the courage to write that down so that his community would know. I found joy in the fact that Jesus revealed his identity to women and that many believed because of women. I love that no one is excluded.
In the end I am determined more then anything else. I am determined to live like I have authority and that I have every right to be where I am and do what I want to do. I am determined to live the life Christ opened up to me as a women. I am determined.
The Five Virgins by Thomas Merton
There were five virgins
Who arrived for the Wedding of the Lamb
With their motor-scooters burned out
And their gas tanks
But since they knew how to
They were told to
Stick around anyhow.
So that's it: there were
Five rowdy virgins
But really caught up
In the action.
There were then ten virgins
At the Wedding of the Lamb.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
It is a pretty good place to be.
And to think I get a degree for doing something I love.
It is stressful but the amount I've read and learned has all been worth it.
More details about this wonderfulness in mere days as I finish.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Welcome to the madness that is my life.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
The future we've dreamed,
and set music to.
That is so foolishly and easily forgotten
in a moment of weakness or frustration.
As it hangs perilously on the head of a dandelion,
But as the wind, picks it up
and carries it to a new destination,
The sunlight catch the glimmer of hope,
that is quickly remembered
as the new dandelions take root.
with sunflowers growing out of her steps,
gracefully skips over the cracks of her day.
Peculiarly not worrying.
Letting herself be blessed by freedom
and extra time.
Walking gently on a tightrope,
balancing her faith
in the blossoming of spring and midday rains.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
In You -- I have authority and a place at the table
In You -- I am me
In You -- I can wear my hair long and wild
In You -- I am a temple
In You -- I can love and be loved
In You -- I can dance and be joyous in every circumstance
In You -- I am not held back
In You -- I am given a voice
In You -- I have made the better decision
In You -- I can ruffle feathers and hold on to truth
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
A little me and Jesus time.
A little poetry time.
A little homework time.
The most wonderfulest part is that all of those include me and Jesus time.
My poetry time is Jesus time.
My homework time consists of reading about Jesus and women in the gospel's.
To top it all off...Catalyst...more me and Jesus time and more rejuvenation for my soul.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
and it is all
spilling out on the the table,
everything fighting for its voice
and to be heard,
begging for the chance to be tangible.
I broke open my heart,
and it is all
spilling out and staining my shirt
with cherry blossoms and fresh cut grass,
fiercely compassionate and brimming with tears.
Screaming at you to see me--
Throwing punches at you so you'll feel me--
Trying to piece myself back together so that maybe you'll love me.
Friday, March 14, 2008
I hate Incubus not because they are a bad band but because they are from a part of my life I don’t inhabit anymore.
I want to go to you when I have a bad day but I don’t think you would understand why I was going to you and you would just laugh and be awkward.
If you asked me to follow you around the world and love you I would in a heart beat…but I am afraid I am just in love with the idea of who you were and who I was but who are we now?
I wanted to call you tonight and ask you if you still thought about me, but what would that do?
And how would I feel if you said no? And in all reality deep down I want you to think about me and realize what a fool you were…sometimes I’m not a very nice person especially since I would never take you back.
Whenever I see you I want to run to you and have you hold me, even though you have never held me before. It’s a good thing I don’t ever see you then.
Sometimes I still have a hard time facing what I have done and who I have been and I am afraid I will become that person again.
I would love you if you asked me to. I’ll never ask though and neither will you and I’m glad.
Friday, February 15, 2008
A cape and a funny red 'S' can only be held on to for so long,
Fragility becomes present in the wake of reality.
Tear filled phone calls reveal unwanted truths
About a man who's larger then life in these eyes
That so desperately want to hold on
To the superhero.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
The scars of flesh mean very little,
Bumps and bruises,
surgeries and tissue damage,
stitches and being sown together.
Creating a mysterious mosaic
that is not as enigmatic as people believe.
My scars are not me
merely a part of the perfect creation
I have been made to be.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
In my throat by the beak of the bird
that is captured within my ribcage.
She spreads out her wings
brush my inner skin
as she remembers what it was like
to be free
Free to move and sing
not locked in place by who
SHE believes she has to be
but allowed to be who she has the potential to be.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
life has been wild.
last semester at humboldt state.
i moved into a new house up here.
i have no idea what i am going to do with my future.
i am looking at seminaries.
i desire to be loved.
i desire more than ever to find God in my life.