Tuesday, December 21, 2010

i complain a lot.

yup. i do. i complain and mope a lot. but. i love it here. i love new zealand. i love the people i work with and live with and minister with. i am learning amazing things about god and about myself and about my relationships. everyday i am challenged by something or someone. somedays it is a good challenge other days it is too much to handle but sometimes those are the days i need the most. i hate being away from jesse. but i do love what this time apart from him is teaching me. i miss portland. but i realize how much it really had become home over the last 2 years and i look forward to going back. i miss living with rachael but i appreciate her friendship so much and just the easiness of being with someone who knows you.

i have an amazing job. and amazing friends and community here. and i realize more now than ever what an amazing community, friends, home, and boyfriend in portland.

i am so lucky. how often do you get to love people on two different continents. how often do you get to have wonderful community in two different worlds.

i live in a both/and world right now. the bittersweetness of this experience lingers but i have to remind myself to be here and now and that what is next is going to happen when it happens and that i can dream about then and still be here.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

so very homesick.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

when i am alone.
all alone in my thoughts.
i entertain the idea.
without a breath.
what if i can't.
what if i can't survive.
what if i can't face.
four more months.
what if i can't.
what if i can't.
and just as quickly.
they all come in focus.
and my thoughts.
living in the creases on my face.
in drawn down eyes.
but only in the quiet.
in the aloneness.
do i entertain.
do i wonder.
what if i can't.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

some morning
i'll wake up with you by my side
planning nothing
but holding you longer
as the sun glints in
between badly drawn blinds
coffee and a newspaper
or sitting by the ocean
perhaps just a moment with a book in the grass
nothing mattering
because we'll go together.


it's late.
i can't sleep.
for the fears of not dreaming,
and the fears of dreaming.
so, i allow the tears to drop
leaving but a trace on my cheeks,
as i take advantage of the internet
finding ever Bon Iver song
for my very own.
music to match my mood,
somewhere between enjoyment,
and the soundtrack to my grief
learning how to live in the space between.


Saturday, November 20, 2010


I have an amazing sister. She drives me nuts sometimes but I love her so much it is a little nuts. She is almost 12 (in 2 weeks) and a force all her own. I happened to be on her facebook tonight and I just couldn't help but love what one of her little friends wrote about her:

"Madison: Amazing Athlete, Wonderful cheerleader! Who loves Robert Pattinson and aspires to be a designer!"

That's who she is right now and it is beautiful. I hope she always loves herself in such a way that she knows who she is and her friends know as well.

she's the one right in the middle.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

this is my roommate aimee....she's pretty awesome.

Monday, November 8, 2010

culture shock.

culture shock.
disagreeable food.
disagreeable people.
everything different.
but i just realized it.
so i cried a bit but it was good.
and i'll be ok.
the beginning is wearing off.
now it is becoming life not just a vacation.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

a lot waiting.

i look to my feet when i am down. because for some reason they've managed to find themselves no longer on the ground. and my hands are trying to do the walking so that i can get some place other than the sky. because my adventurous spirit ran out when i said goodbye. but for some reason, my feet remember. remember what it was like to run so fast they left the ground. to feel so light that they didn't need to touch earth to move. but a ball of lead has made my stomach its permanent home and i can't seem to digest my loneliness...my fear...and all the changes the same way i usually do. and so i sink. and i let the lead seep in and grow roots. but. my feet remember. and so they force me on my hands and make me uncomfortable so that i'll remember. remember what it is like to be here and be free. and so that i'll deal with that ball of lead because sinking turns into suffocating at this angle and i've got far too much waiting for me to give up. and give in.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

i live in new zealand.

just an awesome treehouse at camp

my flatemate lex in the distance you can see the south island

the waikanae coast

beautiful flowers

i live in waikanae, new zealand and i am starting a discipleship program at this camp. i don't know exactly what is going to happen or what is going to come of this but i am extremely excited.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

summer memories/realities

from children running through sweet pea fields
getting caught on hidden blackberry bushes
the thorns gouging deep
and tangling on summer skin
too busy to stop and tend the wounds,
the blood leaving a trail
in case we want to go back
but even if we do,
we won't go back the same way
you can never go back the same way,
we aren't those children,
the field will be gone,
and we'll come back slower.
why is the sky so much bigger here?
anywhere else it would be a normal sunny day,
but here,
with you,
it is epic and life changing
making it easy to remember
lavender scented memories
and sea salt in my hair.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

oh yeah.

i live in new zealand right now. yup. it is wednesday at 10:03pm and it is most likely 2:03am on wednesday where you are. but yeah. i live in waikanae, new zealand for the next 7 months. pictures and plans and poems to follow.

Friday, September 24, 2010

he's coming to visit on monday.
i love him.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

things september has brought and will bring.

september has brought me away from portland and back to bakersfield. which has been interesting to say the least. i miss portland. i miss everything about it. the way it felt to be in my room and my home. my roommate. my cat and the neighbor's kitten who decided to befriend me. i miss my community. i miss random dance parties and coffee shops. and i miss my man...a lot. i could keep going but that would just get depressing. bakersfield has my family and a few friends which is good.

the drive to bakersfield brought me to two awesome days with my dear friend caitlin. my soul needed some time with her and it was absolutely refreshing and wonderful.
september has brought trials to my heart and to my sanity. but it has also brought a lot of encouragement from those i love and lots of prayer and honesty from me.

september has brought some awesome music:
Jenny and Johnny - full length album for free, get it now (my fav: apple blossom).
Portugal. The Man : daytrotter Session goodness (my fav: people say).
The Holy Ghost Tent Revival : daytrotter session of bluegrass i didn't know i needed (my fav: hammer fell).
Brooke Waggoner: daytrotter session of awesome pianoness (my fav: beaut).
Lost in the Tress: daytrotter session i'm liking more every time i hear it (my fav: artist's song).
Sam Quinn: daytrotter session that once again gets better ever time (my fav: oceans).
and last but not least: The Tree Ring Record an awesome music group and an awesome opportunity to be a part of something musical and beautiful...do it trust me your ears will thank you.

september has also brought a new favorite website, a softer world dark humor comics, horribly funny as jesse put it. my fav #490

what september still has left to bring you ask?
hopefully more amazing music. more time with the fam. more time with my california friends. hopefully getting to go to a friends wedding. painting. preparing. a visit from my love on the 27th. packing. lots of prayer.

after this is october 1st and at 11pm i leave for new zealand and then who knows, 7 months on the other side of the world. bring it on.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"i used to hate cheesy and then i fell in love" -caitlin
a fantastic quote by one of my favorite people.
there is a lot going on life, more on that later.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

someday, i will have a room full of windows that gets sunshine during every part of the day and it will be a space where i can paint and write and listen to music loudly.


Friday, July 16, 2010

on growing up.

i don't ever want him to grow up.
she's not allowed to either.

then again....we almost drove into a river and slept in rachael's car

and we didn't wear shoes for 5 hours while walking around a fair...and we're considered grown up....so maybe growing up is ok.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

it feels like swimming.

june came and went in such a flurry i lost sight of the sunrise and the sunset and i only seemed to be able to see the glory of the day in all it's terror and rain because the sun only shone enough to count it on your finger tips. i didn't mind. except when i did, when i decided i was going to pull out all my hair because i just wanted to see the sun. but that would last for only a moment because i get distracted easily and luckily for me i have a great distraction. falling in love. not so much a distraction but something that was and is happening to my life. not falling in love with how i feel, although it is nice. not falling in love with how nice it is to be with someone, even though it is quite nice. but falling in love with a person. because they are them and they are amazing. realizing that to love someone means to love them not love anything else. it means being able to say i love you and be ok with not hearing it back because you aren't saying it to hear it said back, but you are saying it because the person you love is so amazing you have to tell them. because the person you love you are finally seeing for the first time not through the lens of your feelings but for who they are, for what makes them...them. all the oddities and beauties and things that only you see because you have been brought into the bounty of their life and have been trusted with secrets and pains and joys. it feels like gently floating underwater. slightly light headed from the lack of oxygen but with a peace that only comes with swimming.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


that's my good looking mama. we don't look anything alike, probably because she didn't give birth to me. minor detail in the grand scheme of things. she's my mom. she's amazing. she has loved me and cared for me more then i could have ever asked for. and i love her. i wouldn't want it any other way. i'm pretty freaking lucky, and so happy mother's day mom.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

one step closer

learning how to be ok
that tomorrow is a mystery
too hard to talk about
too soon to contemplate
except in quiet moments when i am alone
and dream
of future things i keep in my heart
as the months draw to ends
and then beginnings all over again,
but always towards a moment
a point
too far off
yet still closer tomorrow
and soon tomorrow will be today
and it will be one step closer
my breath will catch for a little bit longer
as i hold my questions
my fears
my dreams,
so for now i have today
and i have to live in today
if i'm ever going to make it out sane

Thursday, April 22, 2010

monday's plan.

i graduate on saturday.

it is supposed to be 75 degrees on monday, so when i get off work at noon i'm grabbing a blanket, a picnic, a camera, and a book and i'm going to lay in a park. and i'm not going to have to worry about homework and i'm just going to sit and enjoy.

for now though back to eschatology.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

unexpected goodness.

we have random dance parties. get lost for hours and never mind. have yet to have a successful hike, waterfalls don't like us. drive backwards down a snow-covered mountainside. create roads in the snow using flip-flops. we drink good beer and wine. we dream of adventures. and go shopping for western boot. western boots we plan on wearing on road trips. we laugh uncontrollably. drink lots of coffee and lots and lots of coffee. and sometimes we just sit next to each other. quietly enjoying one anothers company. or we take walks in the sunshine hand in hand. and kiss in the rain. in the snow. and in the moments when everything could wrong and it goes right. we plan on learning to surf. to live simply. and ride bikes everywhere. we cook one night a week laughing in the kitchen. we have this moment and we'll take it. i'm keeping him forever. and he's keeping me.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

"we care more about your life, and that you are living it well, then about a piece of paper"

thank you dad. i needed that.

Monday, March 29, 2010

and so i write and paint.

i don't have an internship. i don't know what i am going to do with my future. i'm scared as hell. so i write poetry and paint and i spend time with a boy who makes my heart light.


"life mingling"

would you grip a falling leaf
in fear of a seasons change
as it slips through your fingers
demanding you to move forward
with the risks,
and the pain of changing,
tied closely with loving?

white knuckled holding on
to the blossoms as they burst
through the cracks between your fingers,
neither obstinance,
nor fear,
holding them back
as you shake your fist,
full of promises of new life,
back at the tree from which they came.

you know neither the shade,
nor the fruit,
as you miss the possibilities
in favor of the facts.

but what if,
for a moment,
a blossom was a promise,
and what if,
for a moment,
a fallen leaf was a life
of unexpected and unplanned living?
there can be no anger,
you, yourself were unexpected,
not part of the 5-year course on life-map making

but things change,

and lives grow,

to fit the changing season,
being able to do nothing more
than breath
and hold on tight
to the life mingling with yours.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

resting lightly

rumors of another world
a slice of life
and a fresh cup of coffee
next to your sweet side
with your hand
resting lightly on my thigh
not noticing my eyes
gazing at you
as you gaze at the sky
and speak
in a language all your own
with topics that i don't dream of
that you only dream in
filling the space with possibilities
as you move from one topic to the next
while i jump in and join you
in your world
in your head
and liking the view from where i am sitting
enjoying the coffee
the talk of adventures
and the feel of your hand on my thigh

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

springy sounds

She & Him have a new album out and to me they sound the way spring is supposed to sound and feel, so i am very excited at the arrival of this album AND there is this phenomenal site that lets you download it for free!!! what????!!! just click on the link and enjoy :)

Monday, March 15, 2010


keep talking about forever
though i can't handle the dream
my heart aches at your touch
and at the softness of your eyes
don't tell me what you noticed
my green eyes
my jeans and bare feet
because i will say forever
and i will wait
across the distance
and through the time that it'll take
to get me back to you
so keep telling me forever
and i'll keep dreaming with you

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

again and again.

as you drink poison
you kill your enemy
but i drink no poison
and you are no enemy
but a pariah i seem
an infection has infiltrated my heart
a disease with no cure
except my expulsion
from your presence
your heart
and our friendship
i sink in my confusion
but not in regret
the cure is not attractive
or understandable
to you and your sensibilities
but there is no other answer
then the hand i now hold
so here is your time
and space
don't be what i fear
because my choice will not change
i would chose this disease
and again
and again
and so would you

Monday, March 1, 2010


i wonder if i am unlovable?
if my dreams
are only big enough for one?
packing my bags,
making my plans,
with only me in mind.
have i dreamt to small,
to include another?

but all it took
was one moment,
one second of honesty
with myself and with you,
to let myself feel what i feel
and let my words
break down my own walls
that you had slowly begun to chisel
that i had slowly allowed to crack
so that my heart could make an escape
and i could remember how to breath.

you teaching me to live
taking my hand
for whatever may come
nothing has changed
but nothing will ever be the same.


i am loving life right now.
nothing has changed and yet everything has changed.
luckily the happiness is out weighing the fear.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

tonight i needed this.

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
with the abundance of thing we possess
We have lost out thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heave to dim.

Disturb us, Lord. to dare more boldly,
To venture on wilder seas
Where storms will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push back the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

-Sir Francis Drake

working it out poetry style.

:take it back:

a dream is a wish your heart makes?
allow me to vomit on the very thought
i dream of goodbyes
of past loves
of loves never had.
a dream?
a nightmare.
my mind want me to believe it is a dream,
my deepest fears at center stage.
losing those i love,
or want to love,
or never being loved at all.
cinderella can take back her song
and her happy ending dream,
because i don't live in a fairy tale,
and princes don't right on horseback,
or come into the save day.
and this screams of bitterness,
and i may be a strong independent woman,
but that doesn't mean a thing,
i want a happy ending
like any girl in a frilly dress
with stars in her eyes.
because i need to average out
my hello's with my goodbye's
and figure this out,
because i have to live this.
day dreams and wishes my heart make
only carry me so far.
but is there any cure?
any other answer to this bitterness?
but to dream...
to hope...


:something had to remain:

all that stands is an empty chimney
allowing the wind a place to sing
it's somber
chilling song
whipping pieces of ashen firewood
down and around
echoing its tale
of life and death
and nothing more
carrying the message
of existence in its expanse


:silence of no:

i never expected you to say yes
but i wasn't anticipating a no
or should i say
a lack of response,
so many of these words
i spout off are about you
perhaps now they'll cease
now that you've finally let me know
by your silence.
the silence of no,
the ending no,
the no that will resound forever
in the space i cleared for you,
in the cracks you created.


:24 years late:

You have never told me truth
but live life as if no one else matters
am i any different,
from the man at the corner liquor store
that you should owe me anything?
any effort
is 24 years too late,
yet still,
the pain lingers,
when i should expect nothing
because i have been given nothing,
i expect something.
even just a small acknowledgement
that i matter...
because i do matter
i matter to the people who matter.
i matter to the woman who took your place,
she stepped in
and loved me
with a love you will never understand
a love you could never grasp
a love i don't even understand,
to love like that you have to give something up,
and you never will
you will just be a woman
a woman 24 years too late.


:on beauty:

beauty is carried
in a raised head
in eye that look at the horizon
not at their owners feet
is it not better to suffer the pain of falling,
then to lose the beauty of the sky?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

substitute sunshine.

so i am absolutely sick of the dark weather. i don't mind rain but the darkness is getting to me. so i am being inventive and find things that can be substitute sunshine.

1. time with friends
2. an almond soy latte from love cup
4. writing poetry

Monday, January 25, 2010

too coward.

you'll never know
as i say
stealthily hidden
behind phrases
that only mean you
to me
because to me
you are that smile
and that song
you are that fit of anger
that rush of joy,
the pit of my stomach lurches
hoping you'll realize
hoping you'll read between my lines
between my lies,
but i am too coward
to do anything but hope
because the far corners of the globe
are calling my name
and i'm pointing to countries
like they are dreams
hopes, adventures
the places i'll call home
the places i'll leave my mark
still shouting
just in different languages
from different time zones
finding new words
being inspired by new surroundings,
but still bringing it back
to you
until my heart breaks with the effort
of painting on my smile
until i strip it all away
and plainly say
with one word
to your face
to your smile
to your anger
to your joy
to your song

Sunday, January 24, 2010

and they would call that home.

it would have been a VW bus
with a bed in the back
and a pass for all the national parks
and they would call that home.

it would be a shack
with a dirt floor
and running water only on wednesdays
and they would call that home.

it would be a high-rise
and they wouldn't know their neighbors
and she would wear heals and he a suit
and they would call that home.

it would be on the back of a motorcycle
and they would each be running from something
and when they ran outta gas
they would call that home.

it would have a picket fence
a garden full of flowers
a view of the ocean and a place to dance
and they would call that home.

it would all be able to fit in a suitcase
because in the end
they would have no other choice
and they would call that home.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Instead of You and Me

When you started using we instead of I

The whole world took notice

But that wasn’t the only secret

There were others that summer too.

Dotted like stars

In the dry sunshine scented evenings,

Charmed by the river

As it glided lazily under our feet

Longing to be swept in its current

Just so we could save each other from eminent death,

But our eye never met.

In every word exchanged in lust and love

We gazed past each other

We gazed through each other,

It was easier,

Less traumatic,

If our souls didn’t meet through our irises

It would be easier to say goodbye,

But we got lost in the curves of one another’s bodies

Not needing our eyes to meet

When our hearts had made prior arrangements

Arrangements to love one another

To sit for long afternoons discussing us

Instead of me and you.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

lingering long

the jukebox glowed pale green light
a prayer in 4/4-time
pounding against their chests
a backdrop of foamy beer and peanut shells
bodies touch unexpectedly
and without care
sweaty and flushed
thoughts lost in moving flesh
hips brush together
as lips meet
quick and subtle
fingers knotted in loose strands of hair
nothing lasts but the heat
and a passionate sway
that lingers in steps
long after the night

daughter to father

before you knew my name,
my laugh,
my brown hair and green eyes,
you wanted me.
before you knew my failures,
my shortcomings,
and the times i would disappoint,
you fought for me.
before you knew my triumphs,
my goals,
and my dreams,
you kept me.
you didn't have to.
it wasn't your "job"
but you broke the mold.
thank you,
for being unexpected,
for being who i needed you to be,
for staying,
and wanting me to stay with you.

praise and pleas

a faint song echoes
off vaulted ceilings
bouncing off the giant pillars
remembering every word
seeing every glance
thrown in plea and praise

marking the building
with the worshippers
the reside within
gently pulling their spirits
into a posture of remembrance
with a solidarity
only available among misfits

eternity in front of us
the path through the cross
the road marked by ominous beats
accompanied before
and followed after
in quietness and silence
we will be led
and in joyful we follow

never again the same
a glance behind
we wish to give
for fear
of who and what we will miss
not willing to see what we will miss ahead

and yet the beats still echo
and bounce
their way back to us
remembering our praise
remembering our pleas
until we can see our future

Saturday, January 2, 2010


i talk a big game but i am terrified of 2010.

i loved 2009. i started to actually live and i met some amazing people that i will forever hold in my heart. some friendships began to wane and that is ok, not bad just something that happened with time. i had amazing adventures that i still break into laughter when i think about. i have changed in countless ways.

but 2009 started out uncertain and so i can't forget that.

the only things certain about 2010: 4 more months in portland, a trip to texas, graduation in april, summer in bakersfield (should be interesting), the beginning of my internship in some part of europe. it seems like so few things but my life is never that neat and tidy. there is always something waiting on the horizon, much of it my own doing because i have a hard time sitting still.

not siting still has brought me thus far. and so here is to not sitting still, to adventure, to the unknown, to the messes i get myself into, and to the people who follow me into them...oh 2010 i feel our relationship will be one to remember.