Friday, February 15, 2008

I am losing my idea of superman.

A cape and a funny red 'S' can only be held on to for so long,
Fragility becomes present in the wake of reality.

Tear filled phone calls reveal unwanted truths
About a man who's larger then life in these eyes
That so desperately want to hold on
To the superhero.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

All around me people are either getting married or having babies.

I'm trying to learn how to be ok with being single in a world where everyone around me is in a relationship.

Monday, February 4, 2008

The scars of flesh mean very little,
in my eyes
when I look at the reflection in the mirror.

Bumps and bruises,
surgeries and tissue damage,
stitches and being sown together.
Creating a mysterious mosaic
that is not as enigmatic as people believe.

My scars are not me
merely a part of the perfect creation
I have been made to be.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

words i thought i would never say

I'm a fighter, hard to believe but I am. I don't like to do things I don't like and I don't like it when my perfect little life plan gets messed up. Last time my life plan got messed up it took me two years to recover and I had to move 10 hours away from everything I knew just to regain some sense of who I was and where I was going. This time is not as extreme but God has challenged me with a life plan I had not anticipated.

I am applying to seminary.

I have kicked and screamed against this idea for quite a long time. My father has always wanted me to go to seminary but no I've had to be a rebel (comical if you have ever heard about my birth mom) and go to secular school to get my religious studies degree. When I told my grandma about going to seminary and how it finally just made sense why not go to a Christian school to get my MA in Theology and she said finally. I have been the only one who hasn't been able to see this plan from the beginning. I've been fighting and God has quietly just been saying yes waiting for me to stop fighting. So, I'm applying to Western Seminary in Portland, OR yes my friends Oregon not California. Am I terrified? Yes. Do I think it is what I should do? I have never felt more peace about a decision. Sometimes I'm convinced I get a kick out of moving to cities or doing things where I am going to know absolutely no one. My dad always said he wouldn't ever want to leave Bakersfield because everyone knows him and my grandparents and the Thorp last name. For me this is something I have never wanted. I've always wanted to find my own place in the world and establish my life not based on my families ties but solely on being me and my abilities. I've been doing that and it has been an experience and I have met some amazing people because of it and I have learned so much about myself. The difference this time is that I'm not running away from anything but more like I'm running towards something...I'm not sure yet what I'm running to but it's a future and I'm excited for what it will hold.