i like that in all of my homework i get to explore God.

i like that i am awe inspired sometimes.

i like that sometimes my eyes fill with tears when i think about the unbelieveabilty of His love for me.

i like that it feels new and fresh every time.

a break from paper writing...

"If someone is inspired, which means that life has been breathed into them, then somebody else had life breathed out of them."

-Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell and Dan Golden

i am so thankful for the things that breathe life into me.

sunny winter mornings...

happiness is....

a frightened rabbit daytrotter session.

enjoy.

2 weeks.

2 weeks of stress ahead of me. papers and papers and take home tests and doctrine statements and more papers. but then vacation and i cannot wait. this is my last fall semester. woot! i applied for graduation today, it feels weird to already be here almost done but i'm ready.

i'm ready to move on with my life. i'm ready to be done with school. i'm ready for austria. i'm ready for working in a coffee shop in a foreign country and doing ministry. i'm ready to figure out how and where i can do that in the states.

i'm ready.

not mine.

what does it mean to say forever?

to promise something that isn't yours.

on the backdrop of the past,

failures

triumphs

fears.

when this is all there is,

the etchings and the scars.

so why is a name impressed on each one?

honesty.

i need to learn the power of words and how to speak up for myself. i won't be caught in a cycle of abuse ever again. because i know i have worth and i will no longer let anyone take that truth from me.

honesty.

silence.

words.

new beginnings.

truth.

life.

good song.

Two Are One by Dri

Who's in your heart's

not always who's in your bed

You go looking for love

and find a lover there instead

So you hold them like you'd hold the hold the one you love

until it starts to feel like the two are one

Two are one

Who's in your bed's

not always who's in your heart

Some nights I'll pretend like I can't tell them apart

But then I sleep through the dark

with my eyes wide open

and my dreams lay our against the ceiling

and in every scene, it's you with me

and not this lover who lays beside me

like a rag team

in a movie

Who's in your heart's

not always who's in your bed

The night has a way of making you forget

that if the one you love's not the one you're loving

all our loving will amount to nothing

so I take off running and try to catch you

There's so many things I have to tell you

I wake up

and then I wake up

less periphery.

i feel distant from things i want to feel close to. i feel distant from people i have always wanted to love but have never figured out how more than an email here or there or an occasional care package. i try to like the telephone but i just don't. i like the people in my life i just wish there were some people who were in it more often and less periphery. what happens when i leave the country?

it's hard to see us sinking when we are light enough to float...

currently.

reading

dancing.

writing.

concert going.

embroidering.

laughing.

playing.

searching for God.

searching for a european country to call home.

wordlessly expressing.

longing

more laughing.

traveling.

thinking about traveling.

singing.

drinking tea.

fall sunshine.

our fall is cloudy in portland and this is a little bit of sunshine.

Suzie Johannes

last night i went to a show a local coffee house. there was an eating contest that consisted of one man eating a jelly roll and another one eating a lightbulb (i'm not kidding he at a lightbulb, he's a circus performer so that makes it normal, right? right.). there was also some awesome hip hop artists free styling and they wore cardigans and they talked a lot about Jesus and it was good. there was also some amazing poetry that brought tears to my eyes. there was also this wonderful musician kelli schaefer her music was phenomenal, you should listen to her song "carry us over".

rosie thomas.

i'm gonna drive over hills

over mountains and canyons

and boys that keep bringing me down

i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine

drink good wine in vineyards

and get asked to dance

i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by

never ever again.

time for some poems that have been living in the margins of my life...

"for a chance"

these breaths are on lease

until the air is cleaner

and this silence is on loan

until the music meets the words

balanced precariously

between fingertips

dipped in honey

sticky with pleasure

forbidden

deadly

everything i'm not

but everything i would be

will be

for a chance

at living

where the wind moves easily

in and out of my lungs

and i can sing a song

with words only used

by romance novelists or sailors.

-------------------------------------------

"clarity"

clarity fades in the shade of august

when words lose their meaning

as they are carelessly spoken

under skies being over taken by fall

the worries of winter cloud

the easy rhythm of life

sustained through summer

but teetering on the edge of losing it

one breath away from a warning

one sigh away from revealing

all wrapped up in the falling leaves

ice won't be clinking inside glasses much longer

as red wine takes it place

warming the space inside left by the sun

while an indecisive winter

causes bending of wills

unsure motives leading to unsure decisions

truth lost somewhere in the mist

----------------------------------------

"netting"

catching stars in nets

sewn together by my dreams of you

and boozed soaked melodies

that float

and lift

my loose strands of hair

coming undone as i reach for something

because sky scrapers block my view

only my net grazes the infinite

only my dreams are able to break through

my self is blocked in

and suffocating

-----------------------------

"she likes"

she likes the way he doesn't fear

her intelligence and wit,

playing into the jokes she tells

when she can't stop laughing at herself.

she likes the fact she can be herself

tattered, abused, used, learning how to be joyful.

he carries patches and mends

the places she doesn't see

and the ones she still tries to hide.

in this tangled dance

no one really knowing the steps,

only knowing they like where this is going

because she likes his eyes on her,

and he like to look.

as they move to the beats

she runs,

hand in hand with him

while he twirls her through the steps.

thank you.

i have to break a friends heart tomorrow. i have to admit that my actions at times were misleading. i'm learning how to be friends with boys and sadly someone has to be a guinea pig, i'm sorry you are going to get hurt because of me. i've never had to do this before and it sucks. and i'm afraid we'll never be friends the same way again. and you knew everything, all my shit was laid on the table and you didn't run away. people keep asking why i don't feel for you and i don't really know, there is just something missing. there is something missing, the key thing i would need to know that you are more then just my friend. i made some mistakes and tomorrow i have to face up to them and i'm sorry.

but i also need to say thank you. God has been teaching me that i am not my past and i have been trying to learn this lesson. he has been showing me that my bad decisions are not me and that i am enough for him. God has been showing me the love he has for me through the Son even though i have fallen so far so many times. and that is why i need to say thank you. thank you for showing me that someone could still want to be with me even after they know everything. thank you for not being afraid of my failures and for not being afraid for my baggage. thank you for showing me that i am good enough and that i can be loved and that someone can want me.

i don't think i realized how fast i have been holding to the lie that i am not enough, and the lie that no one could love me once they really know me. i have made that lie truth so many times that i couldn't tell the difference anymore. i have believed that happiness wasn't meant for me and that i had my chance and i screwed it up. but i haven't missed my chance. and i do deserve happiness. and i need to let people know me, really know me.

so, i'm sorry i have to hurt you tomorrow.

but, thank you for showing me i can show people the real me and i can still be loved.

thank you for showing me i am good enough.

thank you for not even realizing that God was using you to expose the lie i've been living.

thank you.

i hope you can be my friend again, someday.

Take It Back

A dream is a wish your heart makes?

Allow me to vomit on the very thought.

I dream of goodbyes

Of past loves

Of loves never had.

A dream?

Ha!

A nightmare.

My mind wants me to believe it is a dream,

My deepest fears at center stage,

Losing those I love,

Or want to love,

Or never being loved at all.

Cinderella can take back her song

And her happy ending dream

Because I don't live in a fairy tale,

And princes don't ride on horseback,

Or come in to save the day.

And this screams of bitterness,

And I may be a strong independent woman,

But that doesn't mean a thing,

I want a happy ending

Like any girl in a frilly dress

With stars still in her eyes.

Because I need to average out

My hello's with my goodbye's

But I have to figure this out

Because I have to live this

Day dreams and wishes my heart make

Only carry me so far.

But is there any other cure?

Any other answer to this bitterness?

But to dream.

To hope.

there are some people i will never fully let go of. i still carry you with me. my backup, no. my wish, maybe. i feel like i never really got an answer. but i don't know how to ask the right question now, with so much time and space between. perhaps someday i'll know. or maybe i'll forever carry a torch for you. or at least for who you were and where we were and who i was.

september feels fine.

and i mean real fine. this month has started off wonderful. back in classes and loving it amid all the stress. we are talking about the doctrine of humanity in theology and that has got to be one of the most fascinating things ever to me. exploring what it means to be human to be the imago Dei, the image of God. for me this has always been a very prominent question in my life and i know that it steams from being a woman and now even more so being confronted with the realities that i am not seen as an equal. thinking about what it means to be human changes so many other things in my life and in my theology. and. i. love. it. this month is also the tail end of all of the summer festivals and street fairs and summer concerts and so it is a busy month with things to do and people to see and life to enjoy and experience. goodness is abounding. new friendships. possibilities. i really like september. new favorite month. maybe always favorite month. fall. how i love thee.

The Lonely Brunette

she is a woman,

with long brown hair,

not the prettiest,

but beautiful in her own way.

she captures eyes

in a way she doesn't understand,

never one she wants

instead?

the bad boy.

the unmotivated.

the manipulative.

judgement?

inevitable.

the brunette doesn't even raise her eyes

as the crowds cry out,

tearing their hair,

gnashing their teeth,

she knows she's guilty

she's always known.

she doesn't ask for your pity,

this is simply her story,

her past,

her carry-on baggage.

she has learned to carry it,

so don't shame her,

she hasn't asked you to help,

she hasn't even asked you to care,

so pass your judgement

from safe inside your religious prison,

not knowing her past,

or her present,

or what brought her to this point

of disheveled nakedness.

but slowly the crowds silence,

and she allows her irises to wander

no further then her lashes,

and she sees him.

a man,

a little older and clearly a teacher,

but there's something different,

something he commands

simply by his presence.

one in the crowd brave enough,

asks for him to pass judgement,

asks for her death,

she hears nothing,

no response.

and she wonders

how long it will hurt,

how long till its over,

but she feels no pain;

and so she raises her head.

he's staring at her,

not at her nakedness,

something more intimate,

deeper then what the crowds saw,

but there are no more crowds,

they are alone,

but she is not afraid.

in a voice,

filled with ancient strength,

filling her with fear and reverence,

he says,

"leave your life,

follow my teachings,

my life,

my love,

and you will see and know,

but you have to choose."

and so she is left with a choice,

everything else has been stripped away,

she knows her next step,

now she must take it.

the approach of fall brings with it cloudy saturdays and a renewed love of oolong tea and water color paintings and dawn landes and angus and julia stone ringing in my ears...this is going to be a good fall...

home is where....

your family is.

your bed is.

your friends are.

you have signed a one year lease.

your favorite coffee shop is.

someone is always there to greet you at the airport.

people will house sit for you even though your cat peed on them.

you get pictures drawn for you by sweet siblings.

someone sits next to you just because they love you.

your favorite pair of shoes always end up where you didn't leave them.

your cat plays fetch.

the people you love are.

you live.

you visit.

reoccurring dream

cups of coffee steam, fresh on the dewy grass as i wait for your arrival to our place. you already smell of coffee, and last nights sleep still clings to your eyelashes as i watch your approach. sleek as a fox with your slender steps, measured, careful in your arrival as you think my eyes are averted towards the sun, willing its warmth to dry the grass. but i see you, and i enjoy watching you watch me, behind my sunglasses and my hair, carelessly piled in misdirection, asking you to touch and run your hands through. your hand grazes the tips of my hair as you sit taking the coffee i hand you. no words pass between us, because morning is our time to be, to enjoy, this space and each other. this moment reminds us why and so i let my fingers reach out and rest on top of yours as the sun touches our skin and we lay back together for as long as this will last.

(i dream this almost every night, always the same thing, always the same person, always these words running inside my head)

choose your own adventure...

do you remember those choose your own adventure books? i loved those books as a kid because i loved to envision myself on crazy adventures doing things i could never imagine in real life. i also liked the fact that i got to decide where to go and what to do. and yes sometimes i would cheat to make sure i wasn't about to fall off a cliff or meet a grizzly bear in a cave with no weapon. i wanted a happy ending. not much has changed, i still want the happy ending. i can't cheat in real life though and so i hold back at times, but not anymore i have decided.

in one year i'm moving to a foreign country for 6 months on an internship. that's a pretty huge adventure and so i have decided this next to have mini adventures constantly. i have the resources and the time so i'm going to do it. this is going to manifest itself in trips mostly but i want it to be other things to relationships, cooking, reading, speaking, everything. this next year seems important, i don't know why yet but it does and so i'm going to make the most of it. places i'm planning on visiting: missouri, texas, colorado, and some place really tropical for my 25th birthday/graduation from graduate school...this is just so far i want to add other trips and adventures to my list. i don't want to forget people this year and i just want to live.

so i am choosing to adventure and i don't get to cheat and i'm ready for what's next...not really but i'm doing it anyways and it is going to be awesome.

a fortune cookie instigated thought

i don't know how to take chances with my heart.

so i don't.

damn.

can you feel my harmony?

grains of salt on hardwood floors
smelling of orange oil to keep their shine
buy they aren't mine
i just rent them to produce
my melody
my rhythm
my flow to you
as the grains stick to the bottom of my feet
how generous of you to dust them off
but you don't
you can't see
me skipping beats
or hear them missing in my words
just part of the conversation
just part of the dance
i don't like this dance
i've been dancing for so long
only know how to shimmy and shake
you aren't a shimmy
or a shake

i need new moves
you need a stronger prescription

too private

prayers for protection

prayers for peace

prayers for seamless dreams

prayers for an answer to a question

a question only asked right before sleep

too private

too vulnerable

given a cryptic answer

(who am i to blame? i did ask)

a feeling

a sense

a touch

a moment

not sure what to expect

now

now that i've asked

now that i've dreamed

where my eyes and my smile meet

i've been chewing on the corner of my mouth

accepting the situation

with mild curiosity

feigning uninterested eyes

so you can't see

the desire

in the creases of my eyes

in the smile i'm attempting to cover up

in my playful touch

i'm just a friend

i don't know how to be anything else

giving sideways glances

always from a distance

how can i show you,

without showing you anything?

...summer of color...

fresh blueberries and strawberries that are so fine your mouth can't handle it.

i love going fruit picking.

mt. saint helen's one of the mountains i get to see most days it is clear and beautiful.

i hiked up this without injuring myself or anyone else(this was just the last mile)

from the top you could see the ocean.

clover is my favorite ever.

ellen and i with a lovely lady at the tippy canoe.

butterflies like lavender. 

i like lavender too.

mmm...raspberries...

the rose gardens in bloom, quite amazing.

trying...

i love sitting across from you over sunday night drinks. discussing openly and honestly your frustration with girls and how you see us. complaining that we never go for the good guys, even when we say that is what we want. all the while i stare at you and laugh knowing that i like a good guy and yet he is oblivious, most likely just not interested, and tells me i do not want a good guy when i want him.  the problem is not the good guy or his lack to act but my lack. i am not that good of a girl. how can i possibly deserve a good guy like you? so i'll just laugh at your jokes and feel my stomach flutter at your hugs but stay silent because you are a good guy who is not interested and i'm a girl trying to be good and trying to deserve a good guy...trying to appeal to you.

so she hopes

ripped apart

tossed aside

wretched desires fondle her heart

delightful to the touch

wicked in the aftermath

pieces no longer attached

scattered by breezes

from ruffled sheets and disheveled clothing

no longer worthy for you

in her own eyes

not able to see herself

apart from who she was

trying to see herself

in light of who she is

if you are worth it

you'll stay

and help carry everything she holds

so she hopes

on the promise of a new day

that you exist

and that you can love her

in a way that is real

that is worth more

then what she has given away

sometimes you are awake 

to watch the sunrise

and sometimes

the rising sun wakes you

casting new possibilities

across your resting body

singing directly to your heart

the hope found only in your fingertips

before they have touched anything

except your dreams

found neither here nor there

but somewhere completely unknown

a place for you as you pas

between moments outside of time 

only brought back

by the biding of the sun...

i don't think about you....much

my thought are preoccupied

by melodies and plot lines

and the sound of my own laughter

instigated by life in the big city

and a new set of eyes

looking amused

and confused

by who i am

not sure how this works 

how to check my vibe

inspired all the while

by laughter and a good beer

to think of you less.....and less

she just wants some hand holding

hip swinging days

a west coast girl

may not want a happy ending

a nap on your chest

is enough for a summer day

cool breezes off the river

temper dreamy thoughts

she loves you so easy

her love complicates

the easy friendship

of double jointed ligaments

and mixed drinks on back decks

I would never have to wear shoes again...

Something I think I want to do with my life (or at least something similar):

Not For Sale is an organization I have been researching but more importantly have began loving and really think I want to be a part of. This picture is one of a lovely woman name Lucy and she runs a house on the coast of Peru where street kids can live and get education, health care, stability, a family, value, arts, and surfing.  She gives these kids a chance and a future. (you can read her whole story on the website) I've realized that I want to do this. If not exactly this then something very much like it. I want to love and I want to give children a chance who wouldn't have one before. I know I won't be doing this alone, but who will be doing it with me is still up in the air. This plan is about 2 years away there's time to plan but not plan too much because planning never works really. I'm excited. The possibilities are there and I want them to be real.

Some first steps: learn how to surf better, contact lucy and the not for sale people, figure out if not in Peru then where, get other people excited for this as well.

failing passionately

love is neatly drawn

with fine pencil lines

that drip with reality as they mix and cross

over yours and mine

unrequited...

passionate disaster...

true...

forbidden...

sex...

desire...

the list continues

at an alarming rate

as this love contains it all

and not of it

detailing out the end

before there is ever a beginning

setting up for destruction

because it is more passionate to fail

than to succeed

May is Gone

Yesterday, I cried a lot.

Yesterday, I slept a lot.

All of it was good though because this past week was amazing. I get to spend time with friends in really sweet ways. I made new friends as well. I need to spend more time with these people. Once maybe twice a year is not enough. I'm going to try and go up to camp for at least one week.  Caitlin and I are planning road trips (that will happen).  Things are in motion and life is sweet and full of love. Even if a lot of it has gone back to california there is lots to love in oregon.

Spring Melting Into Summer

-iron and wine has filled my spring and i foresee it continuing into summer with their new CD "around the well" my heart is light with the sounds of it.

-why i love my brother:
Jacob: "sam do girls really just wanna have fun?"
Me: "what?! (while trying to suppress laughter)"
Jacob: "well i have a song that says that"
Me: "yes, jacob girls just wanna have fun (still laughing)"
Jacob: "oh, ok."

-i've decided to be more constructive with my poetry. i'm practicing challenging myself in my writing by having a goal in mind when i sit down to write. there are still spontaneously inspired ones but i'm trying to reflect on people and it is an interesting process filling me with joy and sadness.

-i am excited beyond belief for the wonderful people who are going to be staying with me soon.

April's End

the dogwood is in bloom

and i miss the thought of it all

the tulips here grow to be 2 feet tall

how odd to have a flower desire to look you in the eye

it is not the flowers i am worried about 

but the lack of flowers,

the threat of no spring

straight from winter to summer

hidden life to approaching dust

but i can see the blossoms

and you  like how much i laugh

One More Semester of Seminary Down

i love my small evangelical seminary. i love that i am not conservative and that it is ok. i love that my thoughts have value and that i have learned to value myself enough to say them out loud. i love that i am becoming me in a place that is becoming my own.

things in school this semester:

-i wrote statements of beliefs on doctrine of God, doctrine of revelation, and doctrine of the person of Christ

-sixteen weeks of studying prayer

-read through the prophets and the gospels

-studied the story of the hemorrhaging woman in Mark 5 and wrote about her and loved her and her story and began to see myself in that story and loved Jesus even more because of that story

-i got to interview my sweet friend/mentor Gelayol and learn about her life in Iran and about what it was like to move to the United States

-i taught a room full of graduate students how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils

-i wrote a paper on the implications of Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and what it is communicating to our culture and how the church needs to respond (it may surprise you what Twilight is communicating to youth i know i was surprised, it was interesting)

things in life:

-discovered the joy of hot rollers allowing me to have curly big hair whenever i see fit

-moved 

-really getting to know my sweet friend Rachael i live with

-discovering the joy of new music almost daily

-joined a gym 

-learning more how to love myself

-hiking constantly

-drinking more coffee then is necessary

-learning to love being single

-making my new house my home

-discovered i don't like shirts with sleeves

-making cards is an absolute joy, sending them is even better

-trying to figure what to say to tell someone i'm done

-Christian Camping International, hopefully

-taking pictures on disposable cameras because my digital is broken

-ready for the adventure that will be May-August

3 Thoughts

I love spring.

Iced coffee and skirt wearing has commenced. 

Listening to The Everyday Visuals and Carolina Liar.

watching springtime unfold

from the bench seat in the window

waiting for something

allowing myself a moment

to be with you

as my heart leaps 

at the sound of your name

at the words in your letter

the thought of a future i dare not entertain

what will spring bring?

not you.

Not A Flower

in silence,

flower petals drop

to the floor

forgotten.

withering.

left in the quiet room

accompanied only

by the rocking chair's creak

waiting,

waiting,

waiting,

for someone,

to fill this space.

not just a body,

but a spirit

with laughter.

bringing with them

a watering can,

coaxing the petals

to once again grow.

long. tired.

life is crazy right now. 2 and 1/2 weeks of school left until a break before summer classes start in june. i'm learning a lot though and feel blessed in my classes and in my new living situation.  i just finished a paper on the unity within the person of Christ, asserting that you can't legitimately separate the historical Jesus from the Christ of faith, because one does not exist without the other. next week for one of my intercultural classes i'm teaching the class how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils. it should be a fun time, talking about being joyful in worship and this translates well to children of all cultures. it looks like 2 years as a youth director is coming in handy ;) two more doctrinal statements as well will be being written and thought over and thought on and discussed as i figure out how to say what i believe.

more then any of that though i am living.  i am going out. making food with (the new roommate and most importantly friend). not letting my school dictate my life but living because this is it, i've only got so much time in portland. there is no way i am rachael going to waste it on days it is beautiful to sit inside. life is moving so fast and it is crazy to think that i have already be living here for almost 9 months. 

so, i'm working on living and laughing and cooking (without fear).

life is good.

God is good and alive.

may is going to be a fun month.

summer is very close.

Spring Break

That little sweet heart in the middle I get to call my brother.

That's a pretty good image of mine and my brothers relationship ;) this is just one of the many afternoons we spent on the trampoline.

That is definitely my grandma, sister, and brother on the trampoline. Oh how I love my family.

One of the hazards of moving, poor coffee mug. More pictures of my new colorful townhouse coming soon.

What Else Can I Do?

Do you really have to go out of the country?
Could you please go some place less dangerous?

These are the questions my family regularly asks me when we discuss my internship for the fall of 2011. I'm going to be in South or Central America and this terrifies my family. I don't see any other option, for me at least. I want to work with children who need love, who need a chance, and a way out. It's either South or Central America or Africa for me. There's never really been another way. This is where I am going. Part of that is because we have to do an internship in a foreign country and the other part is because I want to. I have always wanted to. And everything I learn I am going to bring back and put it to use with children in this country. I am getting a masters in intercultural studies and most people assume that means other cultures but I feel it transcends that and moves into the subcultures around us. That is where I am going to work, much to the dismay of some. I am going to love and work on healing this earth. Because what else can I do?

In music news:
If you go the Iron and Wine website right now you can download for free (my favorite word with regards to music) 8 acoustic tracks from The Shepherd's Dog album. Do it! They are fantastic!

sometimes i wish i had a secret. something good. not the list of bad secrets i hold close, but a good one. one that makes me excited to keep secret. one that is just for me. i had one and it was nice until it turned into something else. still good. a friendship came out of it. almost humorous really. oh secrets so good and so bad. so many secrets yet to be had.
in other news:
Caroline Smith and The Good Night Sleeps make my life happy and sound very much like spring.

the approach of spring

i hum in my sleep

the melodies of my dreams

blowing through my life

leaves, twigs, and particles of memories

Getting Old

That sweet man in the picture is my grandfather. I love him (and the sweet woman next to him my grandmother). He can't see to ever be well and it's hard, it's hard to watch him getting old. Needless to say I'm really glad I'll be home in 6 days and I'll be able to spend some good time with the two of them. Getting old is not for the weak; I just keep telling myself he's strong enough.

On...

your words are running up my arms

keeping me warm

tickling the inside of my ear

as they ruffle through my hair

blowing strands in front of my eyes

telling me simple truths

truths i desperately need to hear

on beauty

on faith

on the cause of a summer breeze

A Dream

blurred lines on negative prints

of late night laughing sessions

cozy comfort in the front room

cramming people in every corner

singing

filling

abundance

welling up with life

even if only for this one night

captured forever in this joyous occasion

sharing in a moment that is not ours

taking advantage of the joy

the light in our eyes capturing

what the pictures never can

I had a dream about this summer and I liked what I saw.

Weekend with a Friend

Aimee

 kindred spirit, good friend 

lover of adventures and spontaneous days

Seattle for a day

Vintage exploration in the rain

Laughing

Laughing

and more 

Laughing

a time of year...

This time of year I get a little lonely for calvin crest, I'm not going to lie. I miss the atmosphere and the weather and the way it feels.

I miss these ladies. (but i get to see all of them soon)

I miss team meetings. 

I miss this being considered work.

I miss this being my view.

But I'm really excited to be here in Portland this summer. I'm excited to hike Mount Hood and pick every possible kind of fruit I can. I'm excited to frolic through fields of lavender. I'm excited to possible go to Argentina. I'm excited to ride my bike everywhere and where skirts and drink iced americano's. I'm excited to live with Rachel and develop that friendship. I'm excited to figure out even more how to live.

it's hard to look at the pictures of people who don't want to be a part of your life. and never tried. and still don't try. it shouldn't matter anymore. it's always been this way. but it does. i shouldn't have to fight back tears in the coffee shop right now. i have good defense mechanisms. but i am still very fragile. i probably should get this fragility looked at. i've been hurting long enough. i don't have to hurt.

A Reminder

gentle rain, 

soft breezes,

speak to a presence

in the midst of our doubt

a reminder

what's really important.

who you are,

is truth

found here,

not in the white tower

or in this view or that

but here, 

in the great expanse

laid out before us.

in the awe-inspiring

duality of the sky,

light reflecting on the ocean

next to the blackest of storms

while the waves,

reach out for the shore

greedily taking anything

in their fingers reach.

watching from our perch

small in our spot

giant in our thoughts of you

longing for tangibility

in the intangible

bringing the surroundings

into the songs.

on finding hope

I'm thinking more, finding hope. 

Realizing I don't have to ascribe to either view, I just have to be able to defend my view.

In other news: 

I went on a drive today and ended up on a beach in washington. 

It was awesome.

Tomorrow I'm going to do it all over again this time with my dear friend Rachel.

Goodness.

Hope.

All in the process of being found.

Is there Hope?

In my theology class we are currently talking about the Doctrine of God. Which is so good because we are talking about the greatness and goodness of God, the trinity and trying to wrap my mind around that is amazing. BUT, I am having some issues with the Doctrine of Election.  If you don't know what that is I'll give you a brief definition and I'll explain more as I understand more later. The basic definition is that the salvation of a person depends on God electing them, this manifests in many different ways the main ones being Calvinism and Arminianism. I am having a hard time making sense of this doctrine in light of who God is. I have no problem believing that people don't choose God but to think that God doesn't choose some people just doesn't make sense for me in light of who God says He is. I haven't made any concrete decisions about this yet and I'm still learning a lot and studying a lot.  I think the Biblical evidence shows both sides and so I'm trying to figure it out but I'm wrestling. 

I believe in God. I know God is real beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I know that in some ways I will never be able to understand the mind of God or the plan of God. But this idea that God calls some and not others makes me cringe because then I have a hard time seeing God as giving the world hope through Christ and loving the world by sending the Son.  Why doesn't it just say that God gave His chosen hope and loves His chosen. And I know we say that God doesn't send people to hell (whatever that means) only their sins do BUT if God is choosing who are the chosen then isn't he destining some for hell?  I know God is just and I am not saying that but this one of the ways where I see the doctrine of election coming in conflict with God's nature. 

Where's the justice?

Where's the hope?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

signs on our hands

the clock ticks out its steady beat

not slower than it did the day everything went wrong

or faster than the day everything went right

it just ticks

impartial to me and you

or the moments we want to hold for one second longer

because i can hold on to your hand

hoping to keep you in this scene forever

but the wrinkles will crease your eyes

and time will age us

the signs showing on our interlocked fingers

even if i will it not to

but i will not release you

because even if i can't make life one second longer

i can make it infinitely deeper 

challenging time to touch this distance

a revolt and rebellion against its existence

because this is our moment

not times.

Joy...

I have a most wonderful friend up here in Portland. Here name is Rachel and she is fantastic. We met at a time when i really needed a friend.  She is one of those people you just can't help but love and I cannot wait until we move in together this April.

Last night she called me up when she got outta class and we ended up going to a little bar down the street from my house and shared a pitcher of beer and listened to some live music and just talked. It was so wonderful. We share life when we are together not just meaningless conversation and I greatly appreciate her and her heart.

Sharing life is good.

Right In Front of My Eyes

I've always had a hard time making friends. I tend to be shy when I meet people which makes it hard but once you get to know me shyness seems silly in many ways.  I long for the close friendships I see around me that I am not a part of. But, because I was so  preoccupied wanting what someone else had I didn't even realize the wonderful friendship I do have. I have four wonderful girl in my life whom I am with right now and I am so thankful that they folded me into their lives, let me live with them, and the fact that we continue to share life even though I have moved to Oregon.

June Would Be Her Name

This girl was made for summer

For shoeless days

And wild hair drying in the sunshine

Her scent is something

Close to fresh cut grass, lavender and starlight

Skirts grace her figure making it easier to dance

Easier to take it all off and jump in the water

Laughter follows her

As well as the faint words of songs you long to know

Her words come out in shapes and colors

Dancing around your head

Making it easy to see her sense

And feel her mood

Her infectious spirit spins you

Into frenzied hyperventilation of happiness

This Side of Today

I held on to you far longer than was healthy
You lived nicely packaged under my bed

Contained in the box I made, 

The picture from your calendar decorating it.

It was amazing how 3 1/2 years 

Could fist so easily in a shoebox

Ten silver dollars, pictures and ticket stubs

All just empty reminders of the pain I carried.

Then one day, packing up life for the first time

I threw it away--and you with it

I was starting new without you

You would be a lesson I learned

A time of life I would remember

But not long for anymore.

So I ran,

I ran to find the person I had never known--

I found her in foreign countries

In the eyes of the people who loved her,

I found her in darkness

And in the light that pervaded the dark she lied in,

In the end when I had the courage 

I looked in the mirror and found her in my eyes.

I had only been lost

Because I did not know how to be found,

So now I walk

Not needing to watch my feet

The ground is not going anywhere anymore,

Eye raised watching everything

Introducing all to who I am being and becoming.

A Portland Winter

Life is pleasant. 

It doesn't hurt that we have had sunshine and I have been able to let my feet be free in flip flops. It's also been windy so I've let my hair be wild and blow in the wind. I'm taking my first theology class and I am reveling in the amazingness of it all. I get to write statements of belief and I am excited for that because that means I have to think about what I believe and why I believe it.

I've also started swing dancing.

I think I could live on apples, sandwiches, and cups of stumptown coffee.

living on the seam of history

experiencing the sunrise

through the lens of a daydream

not missing the perfect perfection

and the impossibility of it all

in light of discovery and nature

asking my questions

and only truly wanting your answers

because no one else knows my heart

you know the beats

and you've counted each one i've missed

so, i look to you in this watershed moment

for every unasked thought

this wrapped up in the missed beats

and in the ones that come to quickly

my ears can't hear its thrumming

but my whole body resonates with its groaning

because this space is getting small

and i don't know how much longer

or how much more my body can take

before i burst under the weight

of this moment

of this season

of this ache that is not yet defined

crying out in muffled pleas

for a glimpse

for something concrete

even for a second to lift this fog

Masochist

I just keep letting you break my heart

Unable to control the memories it holds

The desires it longs for

I just wish it would warn me

Before it does something stupid like hope

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I left you in another place

Or maybe really you left me

But if we're being honest

There wasn't "anything"

Or any "us" to leave

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I have nothing

Except for this stupid hope I created

And locked myself in 

Without prior consent

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I just want to be free

But freedom alludes

Teases just out of reach

While I am shackled to this false hope

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

If the annoying voice would stop shouting

MAYBE DON'T GIVE UP!!

Then maybe, I could give up

I just don't understand the hold

It makes no sense

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

Perfect Response

I won't sing along,

or try to learn the words,

some songs aren't made for that.

These are the ones you simply enjoy.

You close your eyes,

lean your head back,

and imagine the warmth of sunshine in summer.

The scent of the earth,

and the wood dock under your shoulder blades.

The fresh cut grass,

and the clear night of a million stars.

Enveloped in nothing but the perfect rhythm

and clandestine beats.

It couldn't be ruined,

not today.

A New Year

Portland feels comfortable this time. 

It has been nice to be back. 

It's almost kind of refreshing to be quiet again. 

Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

And by maybe I think I mean yes.

What a year for a new year :)