i complain a lot.

yup. i do. i complain and mope a lot. but. i love it here. i love new zealand. i love the people i work with and live with and minister with. i am learning amazing things about god and about myself and about my relationships. everyday i am challenged by something or someone. somedays it is a good challenge other days it is too much to handle but sometimes those are the days i need the most. i hate being away from jesse. but i do love what this time apart from him is teaching me. i miss portland. but i realize how much it really had become home over the last 2 years and i look forward to going back. i miss living with rachael but i appreciate her friendship so much and just the easiness of being with someone who knows you.

i have an amazing job. and amazing friends and community here. and i realize more now than ever what an amazing community, friends, home, and boyfriend in portland.

i am so lucky. how often do you get to love people on two different continents. how often do you get to have wonderful community in two different worlds.

i live in a both/and world right now. the bittersweetness of this experience lingers but i have to remind myself to be here and now and that what is next is going to happen when it happens and that i can dream about then and still be here.

so very homesick.

sometimes.

when i am alone.

all alone in my thoughts.

i entertain the idea.

quietly.

quickly.

without a breath.

what if i can't.

what if i can't survive.

what if i can't face.

four more months.

what if i can't.

survive.

face.

breath.

what if i can't.

and just as quickly.

they all come in focus.

and my thoughts.

living in the creases on my face.

in drawn down eyes.

but only in the quiet.

in the aloneness.

do i entertain.

do i wonder.

worry.

ask.

what if i can't.

some morning

i'll wake up with you by my side

planning nothing

but holding you longer

as the sun glints in

between badly drawn blinds

coffee and a newspaper

or sitting by the ocean

perhaps just a moment with a book in the grass

nothing mattering

because we'll go together.

----------------------------------------

it's late.

i can't sleep.

for the fears of not dreaming,

and the fears of dreaming.

so, i allow the tears to drop

silently

leaving but a trace on my cheeks,

as i take advantage of the internet

finding ever Bon Iver song

for my very own.

music to match my mood,

somewhere between enjoyment,

and the soundtrack to my grief

learning how to live in the space between.

-------------------------------------------------------

sister.

I have an amazing sister. She drives me nuts sometimes but I love her so much it is a little nuts. She is almost 12 (in 2 weeks) and a force all her own. I happened to be on her facebook tonight and I just couldn't help but love what one of her little friends wrote about her:

"Madison: Amazing Athlete, Wonderful cheerleader! Who loves Robert Pattinson and aspires to be a designer!"

That's who she is right now and it is beautiful. I hope she always loves herself in such a way that she knows who she is and her friends know as well.

she's the one right in the middle.

this is my roommate aimee....she's pretty awesome.

culture shock.

homesickness.

culture shock.

disagreeable food.

disagreeable people.

everything different.

but i just realized it.

so i cried a bit but it was good.

and i'll be ok.

the beginning is wearing off.

now it is becoming life not just a vacation.

a lot waiting.

i look to my feet when i am down. because for some reason they've managed to find themselves no longer on the ground. and my hands are trying to do the walking so that i can get some place other than the sky. because my adventurous spirit ran out when i said goodbye. but for some reason, my feet remember. remember what it was like to run so fast they left the ground. to feel so light that they didn't need to touch earth to move. but a ball of lead has made my stomach its permanent home and i can't seem to digest my loneliness...my fear...and all the changes the same way i usually do. and so i sink. and i let the lead seep in and grow roots. but. my feet remember. and so they force me on my hands and make me uncomfortable so that i'll remember. remember what it is like to be here and be free. and so that i'll deal with that ball of lead because sinking turns into suffocating at this angle and i've got far too much waiting for me to give up. and give in.

i live in new zealand.

just an awesome treehouse at camp

my flatemate lex in the distance you can see the south island

the waikanae coast

beautiful flowers

i live in waikanae, new zealand and i am starting a discipleship program at this camp. i don't know exactly what is going to happen or what is going to come of this but i am extremely excited.

summer memories/realities

greetings,

from children running through sweet pea fields

getting caught on hidden blackberry bushes

the thorns gouging deep

and tangling on summer skin

too busy to stop and tend the wounds,

the blood leaving a trail

in case we want to go back

but even if we do,

we won't go back the same way

you can never go back the same way,

we aren't those children,

the field will be gone,

and we'll come back slower.

why is the sky so much bigger here?

anywhere else it would be a normal sunny day,

but here,

with you,

it is epic and life changing

making it easy to remember

lavender scented memories

and sea salt in my hair.

oh yeah.

i live in new zealand right now. yup. it is wednesday at 10:03pm and it is most likely 2:03am on wednesday where you are. but yeah. i live in waikanae, new zealand for the next 7 months. pictures and plans and poems to follow.

he's coming to visit on monday.

i love him.

things september has brought and will bring.

september has brought me away from portland and back to bakersfield. which has been interesting to say the least. i miss portland. i miss everything about it. the way it felt to be in my room and my home. my roommate. my cat and the neighbor's kitten who decided to befriend me. i miss my community. i miss random dance parties and coffee shops. and i miss my man...a lot. i could keep going but that would just get depressing. bakersfield has my family and a few friends which is good.

the drive to bakersfield brought me to two awesome days with my dear friend caitlin. my soul needed some time with her and it was absolutely refreshing and wonderful.
september has brought trials to my heart and to my sanity. but it has also brought a lot of encouragement from those i love and lots of prayer and honesty from me.

september has brought some awesome music:
Jenny and Johnny - full length album for free, get it now (my fav: apple blossom).
Portugal. The Man : daytrotter Session goodness (my fav: people say).
The Holy Ghost Tent Revival : daytrotter session of bluegrass i didn't know i needed (my fav: hammer fell).
Brooke Waggoner: daytrotter session of awesome pianoness (my fav: beaut).
Lost in the Tress: daytrotter session i'm liking more every time i hear it (my fav: artist's song).
Sam Quinn: daytrotter session that once again gets better ever time (my fav: oceans).
and last but not least: The Tree Ring Record an awesome music group and an awesome opportunity to be a part of something musical and beautiful...do it trust me your ears will thank you.

september has also brought a new favorite website, a softer world dark humor comics, horribly funny as jesse put it. my fav #490

what september still has left to bring you ask?
hopefully more amazing music. more time with the fam. more time with my california friends. hopefully getting to go to a friends wedding. painting. preparing. a visit from my love on the 27th. packing. lots of prayer.


after this is october 1st and at 11pm i leave for new zealand and then who knows, 7 months on the other side of the world. bring it on.

"i used to hate cheesy and then i fell in love" -caitlin
a fantastic quote by one of my favorite people.
there is a lot going on life, more on that later.

someday, i will have a room full of windows that gets sunshine during every part of the day and it will be a space where i can paint and write and listen to music loudly.

someday.

on growing up.

i don't ever want him to grow up.

she's not allowed to either.

then again....we almost drove into a river and slept in rachael's car

and we didn't wear shoes for 5 hours while walking around a fair...and we're considered grown up....so maybe growing up is ok.

it feels like swimming.

june came and went in such a flurry i lost sight of the sunrise and the sunset and i only seemed to be able to see the glory of the day in all it's terror and rain because the sun only shone enough to count it on your finger tips. i didn't mind. except when i did, when i decided i was going to pull out all my hair because i just wanted to see the sun. but that would last for only a moment because i get distracted easily and luckily for me i have a great distraction. falling in love. not so much a distraction but something that was and is happening to my life. not falling in love with how i feel, although it is nice. not falling in love with how nice it is to be with someone, even though it is quite nice. but falling in love with a person. because they are them and they are amazing. realizing that to love someone means to love them not love anything else. it means being able to say i love you and be ok with not hearing it back because you aren't saying it to hear it said back, but you are saying it because the person you love is so amazing you have to tell them. because the person you love you are finally seeing for the first time not through the lens of your feelings but for who they are, for what makes them...them. all the oddities and beauties and things that only you see because you have been brought into the bounty of their life and have been trusted with secrets and pains and joys. it feels like gently floating underwater. slightly light headed from the lack of oxygen but with a peace that only comes with swimming.

mother.

that's my good looking mama. we don't look anything alike, probably because she didn't give birth to me. minor detail in the grand scheme of things. she's my mom. she's amazing. she has loved me and cared for me more then i could have ever asked for. and i love her. i wouldn't want it any other way. i'm pretty freaking lucky, and so happy mother's day mom.

one step closer

learning how to be ok

that tomorrow is a mystery

too hard to talk about

too soon to contemplate

except in quiet moments when i am alone

and dream

of future things i keep in my heart

as the months draw to ends

and then beginnings all over again,

but always towards a moment

a point

too far off

today

yet still closer tomorrow

and soon tomorrow will be today

and it will be one step closer

my breath will catch for a little bit longer

as i hold my questions

my fears

my dreams,

so for now i have today

and i have to live in today

if i'm ever going to make it out sane

monday's plan.

i graduate on saturday.

it is supposed to be 75 degrees on monday, so when i get off work at noon i'm grabbing a blanket, a picnic, a camera, and a book and i'm going to lay in a park. and i'm not going to have to worry about homework and i'm just going to sit and enjoy.

for now though back to eschatology.

unexpected goodness.

we have random dance parties. get lost for hours and never mind. have yet to have a successful hike, waterfalls don't like us. drive backwards down a snow-covered mountainside. create roads in the snow using flip-flops. we drink good beer and wine. we dream of adventures. and go shopping for western boot. western boots we plan on wearing on road trips. we laugh uncontrollably. drink lots of coffee and lots and lots of coffee. and sometimes we just sit next to each other. quietly enjoying one anothers company. or we take walks in the sunshine hand in hand. and kiss in the rain. in the snow. and in the moments when everything could wrong and it goes right. we plan on learning to surf. to live simply. and ride bikes everywhere. we cook one night a week laughing in the kitchen. we have this moment and we'll take it. i'm keeping him forever. and he's keeping me.

"we care more about your life, and that you are living it well, then about a piece of paper"

thank you dad. i needed that.

and so i write and paint.

i don't have an internship. i don't know what i am going to do with my future. i'm scared as hell. so i write poetry and paint and i spend time with a boy who makes my heart light.

-------

"life mingling"

would you grip a falling leaf

in fear of a seasons change

as it slips through your fingers

demanding you to move forward

with the risks,

and the pain of changing,

tied closely with loving?

white knuckled holding on

to the blossoms as they burst

through the cracks between your fingers,

neither obstinance,

nor fear,

holding them back

as you shake your fist,

full of promises of new life,

back at the tree from which they came.

you know neither the shade,

nor the fruit,

as you miss the possibilities

in favor of the facts.

but what if,

for a moment,

a blossom was a promise,

and what if,

for a moment,

a fallen leaf was a life

of unexpected and unplanned living?

there can be no anger,

you, yourself were unexpected,

unplanned,

not part of the 5-year course on life-map making

but things change,

and lives grow,

to fit the changing season,

being able to do nothing more

than breath

and hold on tight

to the life mingling with yours.

resting lightly

rumors of another world

a slice of life

and a fresh cup of coffee

next to your sweet side

with your hand

resting lightly on my thigh

not noticing my eyes

gazing at you

as you gaze at the sky

and speak

in a language all your own

with topics that i don't dream of

that you only dream in

filling the space with possibilities

as you move from one topic to the next

while i jump in and join you

in your world

in your head

and liking the view from where i am sitting

enjoying the coffee

the talk of adventures

and the feel of your hand on my thigh

springy sounds

She & Him have a new album out and to me they sound the way spring is supposed to sound and feel, so i am very excited at the arrival of this album AND there is this phenomenal site that lets you download it for free!!! what????!!! just click on the link and enjoy :)

until.

keep talking about forever

though i can't handle the dream

my heart aches at your touch

and at the softness of your eyes

don't tell me what you noticed

my green eyes

my jeans and bare feet

because i will say forever

and i will wait

across the distance

and through the time that it'll take

to get me back to you

so keep telling me forever

and i'll keep dreaming with you

again and again.

as you drink poison

you kill your enemy

but i drink no poison

and you are no enemy

but a pariah i seem

an infection has infiltrated my heart

a disease with no cure

except my expulsion

from your presence

your heart

and our friendship

i sink in my confusion

but not in regret

the cure is not attractive

or understandable

to you and your sensibilities

but there is no other answer

then the hand i now hold

blindsided?

maybe

inevitable?

always

so here is your time

and space

don't be what i fear

because my choice will not change

i would chose this disease

again

and again

and again

and so would you

movement.

i wonder if i am unlovable?

if my dreams

are only big enough for one?

packing my bags,

making my plans,

with only me in mind.

have i dreamt to small,

to include another?

but all it took

was one moment,

one second of honesty

with myself and with you,

to let myself feel what i feel

and let my words

break down my own walls

that you had slowly begun to chisel

that i had slowly allowed to crack

so that my heart could make an escape

and i could remember how to breath.

you teaching me to live

taking my hand

for whatever may come

nothing has changed

but nothing will ever be the same.

love.

i am loving life right now.

nothing has changed and yet everything has changed.

luckily the happiness is out weighing the fear.

tonight i needed this.

Disturb us, Lord, when

We are too pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true

Because we dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when

with the abundance of thing we possess

We have lost out thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heave to dim.

Disturb us, Lord. to dare more boldly,

To venture on wilder seas

Where storms will show Your mastery;

Where losing sight of land,

We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back

The horizons of our hopes;

And to push back the future

In strength, courage, hope, and love.

-Sir Francis Drake

working it out poetry style.

:take it back:

a dream is a wish your heart makes?

allow me to vomit on the very thought

i dream of goodbyes

of past loves

of loves never had.

a dream?

HA!!

a nightmare.

my mind want me to believe it is a dream,

my deepest fears at center stage.

losing those i love,

or want to love,

or never being loved at all.

cinderella can take back her song

and her happy ending dream,

because i don't live in a fairy tale,

and princes don't right on horseback,

or come into the save day.

and this screams of bitterness,

and i may be a strong independent woman,

but that doesn't mean a thing,

i want a happy ending

like any girl in a frilly dress

with stars in her eyes.

because i need to average out

my hello's with my goodbye's

and figure this out,

because i have to live this.

day dreams and wishes my heart make

only carry me so far.

but is there any cure?

any other answer to this bitterness?

but to dream...

to hope...

----------------------------------------------------

:something had to remain:

all that stands is an empty chimney

allowing the wind a place to sing

it's somber

chilling song

whipping pieces of ashen firewood

down and around

echoing its tale

of life and death

and nothing more

carrying the message

of existence in its expanse

----------------------------------------------------

:silence of no:

i never expected you to say yes

but i wasn't anticipating a no

or should i say

a lack of response,

so many of these words

i spout off are about you

perhaps now they'll cease

now that you've finally let me know

by your silence.

the silence of no,

the ending no,

the no that will resound forever

in the space i cleared for you,

in the cracks you created.

-------------------------------------------------

:24 years late:

You have never told me truth

but live life as if no one else matters

am i any different,

from the man at the corner liquor store

that you should owe me anything?

any effort

is 24 years too late,

yet still,

the pain lingers,

when i should expect nothing

because i have been given nothing,

i expect something.

even just a small acknowledgement

that i matter...

because i do matter

i matter to the people who matter.

i matter to the woman who took your place,

she stepped in

and loved me

with a love you will never understand

a love you could never grasp

a love i don't even understand,

to love like that you have to give something up,

and you never will

you will just be a woman

a woman 24 years too late.

--------------------------------------

:on beauty:

beauty is carried

in a raised head

in eye that look at the horizon

not at their owners feet

is it not better to suffer the pain of falling,

then to lose the beauty of the sky?

substitute sunshine.

so i am absolutely sick of the dark weather. i don't mind rain but the darkness is getting to me. so i am being inventive and find things that can be substitute sunshine.

1. time with friends

2. an almond soy latte from love cup

3. April Smith and the Great Picture Show

4. writing poetry

too coward.

you'll never know

as i say

you

you

you

stealthily hidden

behind phrases

that only mean you

to me

because to me

you are that smile

and that song

you are that fit of anger

that rush of joy,

the pit of my stomach lurches

hoping you'll realize

hoping you'll read between my lines

between my lies,

but i am too coward

to do anything but hope

because the far corners of the globe

are calling my name

and i'm pointing to countries

like they are dreams

hopes, adventures

the places i'll call home

the places i'll leave my mark

still shouting

you

you

you

just in different languages

from different time zones

finding new words

being inspired by new surroundings,

but still bringing it back

to you

until my heart breaks with the effort

of painting on my smile

until i strip it all away

and plainly say

with one word

to your face

to your smile

to your anger

to your joy

to your song

you.

and they would call that home.

it would have been a VW bus

with a bed in the back

and a pass for all the national parks

and they would call that home.

it would be a shack

with a dirt floor

and running water only on wednesdays

and they would call that home.

it would be a high-rise

and they wouldn't know their neighbors

and she would wear heals and he a suit

and they would call that home.

it would be on the back of a motorcycle

and they would each be running from something

and when they ran outta gas

they would call that home.

it would have a picket fence

a garden full of flowers

a view of the ocean and a place to dance

and they would call that home.

it would all be able to fit in a suitcase

because in the end

they would have no other choice

and they would call that home.

Instead of You and Me

When you started using we instead of I

The whole world took notice

But that wasn’t the only secret

There were others that summer too.

Dotted like stars

In the dry sunshine scented evenings,

Charmed by the river

As it glided lazily under our feet

Longing to be swept in its current

Just so we could save each other from eminent death,

But our eye never met.

In every word exchanged in lust and love

We gazed past each other

We gazed through each other,

It was easier,

Less traumatic,

If our souls didn’t meet through our irises

It would be easier to say goodbye,

But we got lost in the curves of one another’s bodies

Not needing our eyes to meet

When our hearts had made prior arrangements

Arrangements to love one another

To sit for long afternoons discussing us

Instead of me and you.

lingering long

the jukebox glowed pale green light

a prayer in 4/4-time

pounding against their chests

a backdrop of foamy beer and peanut shells

bodies touch unexpectedly

and without care

sweaty and flushed

thoughts lost in moving flesh

hips brush together

as lips meet

quick and subtle

fingers knotted in loose strands of hair

nothing lasts but the heat

and a passionate sway

that lingers in steps

long after the night

daughter to father

before you knew my name,

my laugh,

my brown hair and green eyes,

you wanted me.

before you knew my failures,

my shortcomings,

and the times i would disappoint,

you fought for me.

before you knew my triumphs,

my goals,

and my dreams,

you kept me.

you didn't have to.

it wasn't your "job"

but you broke the mold.

thank you,

for being unexpected,

for being who i needed you to be,

for staying,

and wanting me to stay with you.

praise and pleas

a faint song echoes

off vaulted ceilings

bouncing off the giant pillars

remembering every word

seeing every glance

thrown in plea and praise

marking the building

with the worshippers

the reside within

gently pulling their spirits

into a posture of remembrance

with a solidarity

only available among misfits

eternity in front of us

the path through the cross

the road marked by ominous beats

accompanied before

and followed after

in quietness and silence

we will be led

and in joyful we follow

never again the same

a glance behind

we wish to give

for fear

of who and what we will miss

not willing to see what we will miss ahead

and yet the beats still echo

and bounce

their way back to us

remembering our praise

remembering our pleas

until we can see our future

2010

i talk a big game but i am terrified of 2010.

i loved 2009. i started to actually live and i met some amazing people that i will forever hold in my heart. some friendships began to wane and that is ok, not bad just something that happened with time. i had amazing adventures that i still break into laughter when i think about. i have changed in countless ways.

but 2009 started out uncertain and so i can't forget that.

the only things certain about 2010: 4 more months in portland, a trip to texas, graduation in april, summer in bakersfield (should be interesting), the beginning of my internship in some part of europe. it seems like so few things but my life is never that neat and tidy. there is always something waiting on the horizon, much of it my own doing because i have a hard time sitting still.

not siting still has brought me thus far. and so here is to not sitting still, to adventure, to the unknown, to the messes i get myself into, and to the people who follow me into them...oh 2010 i feel our relationship will be one to remember.