June Would Be Her Name

This girl was made for summer

For shoeless days

And wild hair drying in the sunshine

Her scent is something

Close to fresh cut grass, lavender and starlight

Skirts grace her figure making it easier to dance

Easier to take it all off and jump in the water

Laughter follows her

As well as the faint words of songs you long to know

Her words come out in shapes and colors

Dancing around your head

Making it easy to see her sense

And feel her mood

Her infectious spirit spins you

Into frenzied hyperventilation of happiness

This Side of Today

I held on to you far longer than was healthy
You lived nicely packaged under my bed

Contained in the box I made, 

The picture from your calendar decorating it.

It was amazing how 3 1/2 years 

Could fist so easily in a shoebox

Ten silver dollars, pictures and ticket stubs

All just empty reminders of the pain I carried.

Then one day, packing up life for the first time

I threw it away--and you with it

I was starting new without you

You would be a lesson I learned

A time of life I would remember

But not long for anymore.

So I ran,

I ran to find the person I had never known--

I found her in foreign countries

In the eyes of the people who loved her,

I found her in darkness

And in the light that pervaded the dark she lied in,

In the end when I had the courage 

I looked in the mirror and found her in my eyes.

I had only been lost

Because I did not know how to be found,

So now I walk

Not needing to watch my feet

The ground is not going anywhere anymore,

Eye raised watching everything

Introducing all to who I am being and becoming.

A Portland Winter

Life is pleasant. 

It doesn't hurt that we have had sunshine and I have been able to let my feet be free in flip flops. It's also been windy so I've let my hair be wild and blow in the wind. I'm taking my first theology class and I am reveling in the amazingness of it all. I get to write statements of belief and I am excited for that because that means I have to think about what I believe and why I believe it.

I've also started swing dancing.

I think I could live on apples, sandwiches, and cups of stumptown coffee.

living on the seam of history

experiencing the sunrise

through the lens of a daydream

not missing the perfect perfection

and the impossibility of it all

in light of discovery and nature

asking my questions

and only truly wanting your answers

because no one else knows my heart

you know the beats

and you've counted each one i've missed

so, i look to you in this watershed moment

for every unasked thought

this wrapped up in the missed beats

and in the ones that come to quickly

my ears can't hear its thrumming

but my whole body resonates with its groaning

because this space is getting small

and i don't know how much longer

or how much more my body can take

before i burst under the weight

of this moment

of this season

of this ache that is not yet defined

crying out in muffled pleas

for a glimpse

for something concrete

even for a second to lift this fog

Masochist

I just keep letting you break my heart

Unable to control the memories it holds

The desires it longs for

I just wish it would warn me

Before it does something stupid like hope

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I left you in another place

Or maybe really you left me

But if we're being honest

There wasn't "anything"

Or any "us" to leave

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I have nothing

Except for this stupid hope I created

And locked myself in 

Without prior consent

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I just want to be free

But freedom alludes

Teases just out of reach

While I am shackled to this false hope

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

If the annoying voice would stop shouting

MAYBE DON'T GIVE UP!!

Then maybe, I could give up

I just don't understand the hold

It makes no sense

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

Perfect Response

I won't sing along,

or try to learn the words,

some songs aren't made for that.

These are the ones you simply enjoy.

You close your eyes,

lean your head back,

and imagine the warmth of sunshine in summer.

The scent of the earth,

and the wood dock under your shoulder blades.

The fresh cut grass,

and the clear night of a million stars.

Enveloped in nothing but the perfect rhythm

and clandestine beats.

It couldn't be ruined,

not today.

A New Year

Portland feels comfortable this time. 

It has been nice to be back. 

It's almost kind of refreshing to be quiet again. 

Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

And by maybe I think I mean yes.

What a year for a new year :)