too coward.

you'll never know

as i say

you

you

you

stealthily hidden

behind phrases

that only mean you

to me

because to me

you are that smile

and that song

you are that fit of anger

that rush of joy,

the pit of my stomach lurches

hoping you'll realize

hoping you'll read between my lines

between my lies,

but i am too coward

to do anything but hope

because the far corners of the globe

are calling my name

and i'm pointing to countries

like they are dreams

hopes, adventures

the places i'll call home

the places i'll leave my mark

still shouting

you

you

you

just in different languages

from different time zones

finding new words

being inspired by new surroundings,

but still bringing it back

to you

until my heart breaks with the effort

of painting on my smile

until i strip it all away

and plainly say

with one word

to your face

to your smile

to your anger

to your joy

to your song

you.

and they would call that home.

it would have been a VW bus

with a bed in the back

and a pass for all the national parks

and they would call that home.

it would be a shack

with a dirt floor

and running water only on wednesdays

and they would call that home.

it would be a high-rise

and they wouldn't know their neighbors

and she would wear heals and he a suit

and they would call that home.

it would be on the back of a motorcycle

and they would each be running from something

and when they ran outta gas

they would call that home.

it would have a picket fence

a garden full of flowers

a view of the ocean and a place to dance

and they would call that home.

it would all be able to fit in a suitcase

because in the end

they would have no other choice

and they would call that home.

Instead of You and Me

When you started using we instead of I

The whole world took notice

But that wasn’t the only secret

There were others that summer too.

Dotted like stars

In the dry sunshine scented evenings,

Charmed by the river

As it glided lazily under our feet

Longing to be swept in its current

Just so we could save each other from eminent death,

But our eye never met.

In every word exchanged in lust and love

We gazed past each other

We gazed through each other,

It was easier,

Less traumatic,

If our souls didn’t meet through our irises

It would be easier to say goodbye,

But we got lost in the curves of one another’s bodies

Not needing our eyes to meet

When our hearts had made prior arrangements

Arrangements to love one another

To sit for long afternoons discussing us

Instead of me and you.

lingering long

the jukebox glowed pale green light

a prayer in 4/4-time

pounding against their chests

a backdrop of foamy beer and peanut shells

bodies touch unexpectedly

and without care

sweaty and flushed

thoughts lost in moving flesh

hips brush together

as lips meet

quick and subtle

fingers knotted in loose strands of hair

nothing lasts but the heat

and a passionate sway

that lingers in steps

long after the night

daughter to father

before you knew my name,

my laugh,

my brown hair and green eyes,

you wanted me.

before you knew my failures,

my shortcomings,

and the times i would disappoint,

you fought for me.

before you knew my triumphs,

my goals,

and my dreams,

you kept me.

you didn't have to.

it wasn't your "job"

but you broke the mold.

thank you,

for being unexpected,

for being who i needed you to be,

for staying,

and wanting me to stay with you.

praise and pleas

a faint song echoes

off vaulted ceilings

bouncing off the giant pillars

remembering every word

seeing every glance

thrown in plea and praise

marking the building

with the worshippers

the reside within

gently pulling their spirits

into a posture of remembrance

with a solidarity

only available among misfits

eternity in front of us

the path through the cross

the road marked by ominous beats

accompanied before

and followed after

in quietness and silence

we will be led

and in joyful we follow

never again the same

a glance behind

we wish to give

for fear

of who and what we will miss

not willing to see what we will miss ahead

and yet the beats still echo

and bounce

their way back to us

remembering our praise

remembering our pleas

until we can see our future

2010

i talk a big game but i am terrified of 2010.

i loved 2009. i started to actually live and i met some amazing people that i will forever hold in my heart. some friendships began to wane and that is ok, not bad just something that happened with time. i had amazing adventures that i still break into laughter when i think about. i have changed in countless ways.

but 2009 started out uncertain and so i can't forget that.

the only things certain about 2010: 4 more months in portland, a trip to texas, graduation in april, summer in bakersfield (should be interesting), the beginning of my internship in some part of europe. it seems like so few things but my life is never that neat and tidy. there is always something waiting on the horizon, much of it my own doing because i have a hard time sitting still.

not siting still has brought me thus far. and so here is to not sitting still, to adventure, to the unknown, to the messes i get myself into, and to the people who follow me into them...oh 2010 i feel our relationship will be one to remember.