a time of year...

This time of year I get a little lonely for calvin crest, I'm not going to lie. I miss the atmosphere and the weather and the way it feels.

I miss these ladies. (but i get to see all of them soon)

I miss team meetings. 

I miss this being considered work.

I miss this being my view.

But I'm really excited to be here in Portland this summer. I'm excited to hike Mount Hood and pick every possible kind of fruit I can. I'm excited to frolic through fields of lavender. I'm excited to possible go to Argentina. I'm excited to ride my bike everywhere and where skirts and drink iced americano's. I'm excited to live with Rachel and develop that friendship. I'm excited to figure out even more how to live.

it's hard to look at the pictures of people who don't want to be a part of your life. and never tried. and still don't try. it shouldn't matter anymore. it's always been this way. but it does. i shouldn't have to fight back tears in the coffee shop right now. i have good defense mechanisms. but i am still very fragile. i probably should get this fragility looked at. i've been hurting long enough. i don't have to hurt.

A Reminder

gentle rain, 

soft breezes,

speak to a presence

in the midst of our doubt

a reminder

what's really important.

who you are,

is truth

found here,

not in the white tower

or in this view or that

but here, 

in the great expanse

laid out before us.

in the awe-inspiring

duality of the sky,

light reflecting on the ocean

next to the blackest of storms

while the waves,

reach out for the shore

greedily taking anything

in their fingers reach.

watching from our perch

small in our spot

giant in our thoughts of you

longing for tangibility

in the intangible

bringing the surroundings

into the songs.

on finding hope

I'm thinking more, finding hope. 

Realizing I don't have to ascribe to either view, I just have to be able to defend my view.

In other news: 

I went on a drive today and ended up on a beach in washington. 

It was awesome.

Tomorrow I'm going to do it all over again this time with my dear friend Rachel.

Goodness.

Hope.

All in the process of being found.

Is there Hope?

In my theology class we are currently talking about the Doctrine of God. Which is so good because we are talking about the greatness and goodness of God, the trinity and trying to wrap my mind around that is amazing. BUT, I am having some issues with the Doctrine of Election.  If you don't know what that is I'll give you a brief definition and I'll explain more as I understand more later. The basic definition is that the salvation of a person depends on God electing them, this manifests in many different ways the main ones being Calvinism and Arminianism. I am having a hard time making sense of this doctrine in light of who God is. I have no problem believing that people don't choose God but to think that God doesn't choose some people just doesn't make sense for me in light of who God says He is. I haven't made any concrete decisions about this yet and I'm still learning a lot and studying a lot.  I think the Biblical evidence shows both sides and so I'm trying to figure it out but I'm wrestling. 

I believe in God. I know God is real beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I know that in some ways I will never be able to understand the mind of God or the plan of God. But this idea that God calls some and not others makes me cringe because then I have a hard time seeing God as giving the world hope through Christ and loving the world by sending the Son.  Why doesn't it just say that God gave His chosen hope and loves His chosen. And I know we say that God doesn't send people to hell (whatever that means) only their sins do BUT if God is choosing who are the chosen then isn't he destining some for hell?  I know God is just and I am not saying that but this one of the ways where I see the doctrine of election coming in conflict with God's nature. 

Where's the justice?

Where's the hope?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

signs on our hands

the clock ticks out its steady beat

not slower than it did the day everything went wrong

or faster than the day everything went right

it just ticks

impartial to me and you

or the moments we want to hold for one second longer

because i can hold on to your hand

hoping to keep you in this scene forever

but the wrinkles will crease your eyes

and time will age us

the signs showing on our interlocked fingers

even if i will it not to

but i will not release you

because even if i can't make life one second longer

i can make it infinitely deeper 

challenging time to touch this distance

a revolt and rebellion against its existence

because this is our moment

not times.

Joy...

I have a most wonderful friend up here in Portland. Here name is Rachel and she is fantastic. We met at a time when i really needed a friend.  She is one of those people you just can't help but love and I cannot wait until we move in together this April.

Last night she called me up when she got outta class and we ended up going to a little bar down the street from my house and shared a pitcher of beer and listened to some live music and just talked. It was so wonderful. We share life when we are together not just meaningless conversation and I greatly appreciate her and her heart.

Sharing life is good.

Right In Front of My Eyes

I've always had a hard time making friends. I tend to be shy when I meet people which makes it hard but once you get to know me shyness seems silly in many ways.  I long for the close friendships I see around me that I am not a part of. But, because I was so  preoccupied wanting what someone else had I didn't even realize the wonderful friendship I do have. I have four wonderful girl in my life whom I am with right now and I am so thankful that they folded me into their lives, let me live with them, and the fact that we continue to share life even though I have moved to Oregon.