i complain a lot.

yup. i do. i complain and mope a lot. but. i love it here. i love new zealand. i love the people i work with and live with and minister with. i am learning amazing things about god and about myself and about my relationships. everyday i am challenged by something or someone. somedays it is a good challenge other days it is too much to handle but sometimes those are the days i need the most. i hate being away from jesse. but i do love what this time apart from him is teaching me. i miss portland. but i realize how much it really had become home over the last 2 years and i look forward to going back. i miss living with rachael but i appreciate her friendship so much and just the easiness of being with someone who knows you.

i have an amazing job. and amazing friends and community here. and i realize more now than ever what an amazing community, friends, home, and boyfriend in portland.

i am so lucky. how often do you get to love people on two different continents. how often do you get to have wonderful community in two different worlds.

i live in a both/and world right now. the bittersweetness of this experience lingers but i have to remind myself to be here and now and that what is next is going to happen when it happens and that i can dream about then and still be here.

so very homesick.

sometimes.

when i am alone.

all alone in my thoughts.

i entertain the idea.

quietly.

quickly.

without a breath.

what if i can't.

what if i can't survive.

what if i can't face.

four more months.

what if i can't.

survive.

face.

breath.

what if i can't.

and just as quickly.

they all come in focus.

and my thoughts.

living in the creases on my face.

in drawn down eyes.

but only in the quiet.

in the aloneness.

do i entertain.

do i wonder.

worry.

ask.

what if i can't.

some morning

i'll wake up with you by my side

planning nothing

but holding you longer

as the sun glints in

between badly drawn blinds

coffee and a newspaper

or sitting by the ocean

perhaps just a moment with a book in the grass

nothing mattering

because we'll go together.

----------------------------------------

it's late.

i can't sleep.

for the fears of not dreaming,

and the fears of dreaming.

so, i allow the tears to drop

silently

leaving but a trace on my cheeks,

as i take advantage of the internet

finding ever Bon Iver song

for my very own.

music to match my mood,

somewhere between enjoyment,

and the soundtrack to my grief

learning how to live in the space between.

-------------------------------------------------------