time for some poems that have been living in the margins of my life...

"for a chance"

these breaths are on lease

until the air is cleaner

and this silence is on loan

until the music meets the words

balanced precariously

between fingertips

dipped in honey

sticky with pleasure

forbidden

deadly

everything i'm not

but everything i would be

will be

for a chance

at living

where the wind moves easily

in and out of my lungs

and i can sing a song

with words only used

by romance novelists or sailors.

-------------------------------------------

"clarity"

clarity fades in the shade of august

when words lose their meaning

as they are carelessly spoken

under skies being over taken by fall

the worries of winter cloud

the easy rhythm of life

sustained through summer

but teetering on the edge of losing it

one breath away from a warning

one sigh away from revealing

all wrapped up in the falling leaves

ice won't be clinking inside glasses much longer

as red wine takes it place

warming the space inside left by the sun

while an indecisive winter

causes bending of wills

unsure motives leading to unsure decisions

truth lost somewhere in the mist

----------------------------------------

"netting"

catching stars in nets

sewn together by my dreams of you

and boozed soaked melodies

that float

and lift

my loose strands of hair

coming undone as i reach for something

because sky scrapers block my view

only my net grazes the infinite

only my dreams are able to break through

my self is blocked in

and suffocating

-----------------------------

"she likes"

she likes the way he doesn't fear

her intelligence and wit,

playing into the jokes she tells

when she can't stop laughing at herself.

she likes the fact she can be herself

tattered, abused, used, learning how to be joyful.

he carries patches and mends

the places she doesn't see

and the ones she still tries to hide.

in this tangled dance

no one really knowing the steps,

only knowing they like where this is going

because she likes his eyes on her,

and he like to look.

as they move to the beats

she runs,

hand in hand with him

while he twirls her through the steps.

thank you.

i have to break a friends heart tomorrow. i have to admit that my actions at times were misleading. i'm learning how to be friends with boys and sadly someone has to be a guinea pig, i'm sorry you are going to get hurt because of me. i've never had to do this before and it sucks. and i'm afraid we'll never be friends the same way again. and you knew everything, all my shit was laid on the table and you didn't run away. people keep asking why i don't feel for you and i don't really know, there is just something missing. there is something missing, the key thing i would need to know that you are more then just my friend. i made some mistakes and tomorrow i have to face up to them and i'm sorry.

but i also need to say thank you. God has been teaching me that i am not my past and i have been trying to learn this lesson. he has been showing me that my bad decisions are not me and that i am enough for him. God has been showing me the love he has for me through the Son even though i have fallen so far so many times. and that is why i need to say thank you. thank you for showing me that someone could still want to be with me even after they know everything. thank you for not being afraid of my failures and for not being afraid for my baggage. thank you for showing me that i am good enough and that i can be loved and that someone can want me.

i don't think i realized how fast i have been holding to the lie that i am not enough, and the lie that no one could love me once they really know me. i have made that lie truth so many times that i couldn't tell the difference anymore. i have believed that happiness wasn't meant for me and that i had my chance and i screwed it up. but i haven't missed my chance. and i do deserve happiness. and i need to let people know me, really know me.

so, i'm sorry i have to hurt you tomorrow.

but, thank you for showing me i can show people the real me and i can still be loved.

thank you for showing me i am good enough.

thank you for not even realizing that God was using you to expose the lie i've been living.

thank you.

i hope you can be my friend again, someday.

Take It Back

A dream is a wish your heart makes?

Allow me to vomit on the very thought.

I dream of goodbyes

Of past loves

Of loves never had.

A dream?

Ha!

A nightmare.

My mind wants me to believe it is a dream,

My deepest fears at center stage,

Losing those I love,

Or want to love,

Or never being loved at all.

Cinderella can take back her song

And her happy ending dream

Because I don't live in a fairy tale,

And princes don't ride on horseback,

Or come in to save the day.

And this screams of bitterness,

And I may be a strong independent woman,

But that doesn't mean a thing,

I want a happy ending

Like any girl in a frilly dress

With stars still in her eyes.

Because I need to average out

My hello's with my goodbye's

But I have to figure this out

Because I have to live this

Day dreams and wishes my heart make

Only carry me so far.

But is there any other cure?

Any other answer to this bitterness?

But to dream.

To hope.

there are some people i will never fully let go of. i still carry you with me. my backup, no. my wish, maybe. i feel like i never really got an answer. but i don't know how to ask the right question now, with so much time and space between. perhaps someday i'll know. or maybe i'll forever carry a torch for you. or at least for who you were and where we were and who i was.

september feels fine.

and i mean real fine. this month has started off wonderful. back in classes and loving it amid all the stress. we are talking about the doctrine of humanity in theology and that has got to be one of the most fascinating things ever to me. exploring what it means to be human to be the imago Dei, the image of God. for me this has always been a very prominent question in my life and i know that it steams from being a woman and now even more so being confronted with the realities that i am not seen as an equal. thinking about what it means to be human changes so many other things in my life and in my theology. and. i. love. it. this month is also the tail end of all of the summer festivals and street fairs and summer concerts and so it is a busy month with things to do and people to see and life to enjoy and experience. goodness is abounding. new friendships. possibilities. i really like september. new favorite month. maybe always favorite month. fall. how i love thee.

The Lonely Brunette

she is a woman,

with long brown hair,

not the prettiest,

but beautiful in her own way.

she captures eyes

in a way she doesn't understand,

never one she wants

instead?

the bad boy.

the unmotivated.

the manipulative.

judgement?

inevitable.

the brunette doesn't even raise her eyes

as the crowds cry out,

tearing their hair,

gnashing their teeth,

she knows she's guilty

she's always known.

she doesn't ask for your pity,

this is simply her story,

her past,

her carry-on baggage.

she has learned to carry it,

so don't shame her,

she hasn't asked you to help,

she hasn't even asked you to care,

so pass your judgement

from safe inside your religious prison,

not knowing her past,

or her present,

or what brought her to this point

of disheveled nakedness.

but slowly the crowds silence,

and she allows her irises to wander

no further then her lashes,

and she sees him.

a man,

a little older and clearly a teacher,

but there's something different,

something he commands

simply by his presence.

one in the crowd brave enough,

asks for him to pass judgement,

asks for her death,

she hears nothing,

no response.

and she wonders

how long it will hurt,

how long till its over,

but she feels no pain;

and so she raises her head.

he's staring at her,

not at her nakedness,

something more intimate,

deeper then what the crowds saw,

but there are no more crowds,

they are alone,

but she is not afraid.

in a voice,

filled with ancient strength,

filling her with fear and reverence,

he says,

"leave your life,

follow my teachings,

my life,

my love,

and you will see and know,

but you have to choose."

and so she is left with a choice,

everything else has been stripped away,

she knows her next step,

now she must take it.

the approach of fall brings with it cloudy saturdays and a renewed love of oolong tea and water color paintings and dawn landes and angus and julia stone ringing in my ears...this is going to be a good fall...

home is where....

your family is.

your bed is.

your friends are.

you have signed a one year lease.

your favorite coffee shop is.

someone is always there to greet you at the airport.

people will house sit for you even though your cat peed on them.

you get pictures drawn for you by sweet siblings.

someone sits next to you just because they love you.

your favorite pair of shoes always end up where you didn't leave them.

your cat plays fetch.

the people you love are.

you live.

you visit.

reoccurring dream

cups of coffee steam, fresh on the dewy grass as i wait for your arrival to our place. you already smell of coffee, and last nights sleep still clings to your eyelashes as i watch your approach. sleek as a fox with your slender steps, measured, careful in your arrival as you think my eyes are averted towards the sun, willing its warmth to dry the grass. but i see you, and i enjoy watching you watch me, behind my sunglasses and my hair, carelessly piled in misdirection, asking you to touch and run your hands through. your hand grazes the tips of my hair as you sit taking the coffee i hand you. no words pass between us, because morning is our time to be, to enjoy, this space and each other. this moment reminds us why and so i let my fingers reach out and rest on top of yours as the sun touches our skin and we lay back together for as long as this will last.

(i dream this almost every night, always the same thing, always the same person, always these words running inside my head)

choose your own adventure...

do you remember those choose your own adventure books? i loved those books as a kid because i loved to envision myself on crazy adventures doing things i could never imagine in real life. i also liked the fact that i got to decide where to go and what to do. and yes sometimes i would cheat to make sure i wasn't about to fall off a cliff or meet a grizzly bear in a cave with no weapon. i wanted a happy ending. not much has changed, i still want the happy ending. i can't cheat in real life though and so i hold back at times, but not anymore i have decided.

in one year i'm moving to a foreign country for 6 months on an internship. that's a pretty huge adventure and so i have decided this next to have mini adventures constantly. i have the resources and the time so i'm going to do it. this is going to manifest itself in trips mostly but i want it to be other things to relationships, cooking, reading, speaking, everything. this next year seems important, i don't know why yet but it does and so i'm going to make the most of it. places i'm planning on visiting: missouri, texas, colorado, and some place really tropical for my 25th birthday/graduation from graduate school...this is just so far i want to add other trips and adventures to my list. i don't want to forget people this year and i just want to live.

so i am choosing to adventure and i don't get to cheat and i'm ready for what's next...not really but i'm doing it anyways and it is going to be awesome.

a fortune cookie instigated thought

i don't know how to take chances with my heart.

so i don't.

damn.

can you feel my harmony?

grains of salt on hardwood floors
smelling of orange oil to keep their shine
buy they aren't mine
i just rent them to produce
my melody
my rhythm
my flow to you
as the grains stick to the bottom of my feet
how generous of you to dust them off
but you don't
you can't see
me skipping beats
or hear them missing in my words
just part of the conversation
just part of the dance
i don't like this dance
i've been dancing for so long
only know how to shimmy and shake
you aren't a shimmy
or a shake

i need new moves
you need a stronger prescription

too private

prayers for protection

prayers for peace

prayers for seamless dreams

prayers for an answer to a question

a question only asked right before sleep

too private

too vulnerable

given a cryptic answer

(who am i to blame? i did ask)

a feeling

a sense

a touch

a moment

not sure what to expect

now

now that i've asked

now that i've dreamed

where my eyes and my smile meet

i've been chewing on the corner of my mouth

accepting the situation

with mild curiosity

feigning uninterested eyes

so you can't see

the desire

in the creases of my eyes

in the smile i'm attempting to cover up

in my playful touch

i'm just a friend

i don't know how to be anything else

giving sideways glances

always from a distance

how can i show you,

without showing you anything?

...summer of color...

fresh blueberries and strawberries that are so fine your mouth can't handle it.

i love going fruit picking.

mt. saint helen's one of the mountains i get to see most days it is clear and beautiful.

i hiked up this without injuring myself or anyone else(this was just the last mile)

from the top you could see the ocean.

clover is my favorite ever.

ellen and i with a lovely lady at the tippy canoe.

butterflies like lavender. 

i like lavender too.

mmm...raspberries...

the rose gardens in bloom, quite amazing.

trying...

i love sitting across from you over sunday night drinks. discussing openly and honestly your frustration with girls and how you see us. complaining that we never go for the good guys, even when we say that is what we want. all the while i stare at you and laugh knowing that i like a good guy and yet he is oblivious, most likely just not interested, and tells me i do not want a good guy when i want him.  the problem is not the good guy or his lack to act but my lack. i am not that good of a girl. how can i possibly deserve a good guy like you? so i'll just laugh at your jokes and feel my stomach flutter at your hugs but stay silent because you are a good guy who is not interested and i'm a girl trying to be good and trying to deserve a good guy...trying to appeal to you.

so she hopes

ripped apart

tossed aside

wretched desires fondle her heart

delightful to the touch

wicked in the aftermath

pieces no longer attached

scattered by breezes

from ruffled sheets and disheveled clothing

no longer worthy for you

in her own eyes

not able to see herself

apart from who she was

trying to see herself

in light of who she is

if you are worth it

you'll stay

and help carry everything she holds

so she hopes

on the promise of a new day

that you exist

and that you can love her

in a way that is real

that is worth more

then what she has given away

sometimes you are awake 

to watch the sunrise

and sometimes

the rising sun wakes you

casting new possibilities

across your resting body

singing directly to your heart

the hope found only in your fingertips

before they have touched anything

except your dreams

found neither here nor there

but somewhere completely unknown

a place for you as you pas

between moments outside of time 

only brought back

by the biding of the sun...

i don't think about you....much

my thought are preoccupied

by melodies and plot lines

and the sound of my own laughter

instigated by life in the big city

and a new set of eyes

looking amused

and confused

by who i am

not sure how this works 

how to check my vibe

inspired all the while

by laughter and a good beer

to think of you less.....and less

she just wants some hand holding

hip swinging days

a west coast girl

may not want a happy ending

a nap on your chest

is enough for a summer day

cool breezes off the river

temper dreamy thoughts

she loves you so easy

her love complicates

the easy friendship

of double jointed ligaments

and mixed drinks on back decks

I would never have to wear shoes again...

Something I think I want to do with my life (or at least something similar):

Not For Sale is an organization I have been researching but more importantly have began loving and really think I want to be a part of. This picture is one of a lovely woman name Lucy and she runs a house on the coast of Peru where street kids can live and get education, health care, stability, a family, value, arts, and surfing.  She gives these kids a chance and a future. (you can read her whole story on the website) I've realized that I want to do this. If not exactly this then something very much like it. I want to love and I want to give children a chance who wouldn't have one before. I know I won't be doing this alone, but who will be doing it with me is still up in the air. This plan is about 2 years away there's time to plan but not plan too much because planning never works really. I'm excited. The possibilities are there and I want them to be real.

Some first steps: learn how to surf better, contact lucy and the not for sale people, figure out if not in Peru then where, get other people excited for this as well.

failing passionately

love is neatly drawn

with fine pencil lines

that drip with reality as they mix and cross

over yours and mine

unrequited...

passionate disaster...

true...

forbidden...

sex...

desire...

the list continues

at an alarming rate

as this love contains it all

and not of it

detailing out the end

before there is ever a beginning

setting up for destruction

because it is more passionate to fail

than to succeed

May is Gone

Yesterday, I cried a lot.

Yesterday, I slept a lot.

All of it was good though because this past week was amazing. I get to spend time with friends in really sweet ways. I made new friends as well. I need to spend more time with these people. Once maybe twice a year is not enough. I'm going to try and go up to camp for at least one week.  Caitlin and I are planning road trips (that will happen).  Things are in motion and life is sweet and full of love. Even if a lot of it has gone back to california there is lots to love in oregon.

Spring Melting Into Summer

-iron and wine has filled my spring and i foresee it continuing into summer with their new CD "around the well" my heart is light with the sounds of it.

-why i love my brother:
Jacob: "sam do girls really just wanna have fun?"
Me: "what?! (while trying to suppress laughter)"
Jacob: "well i have a song that says that"
Me: "yes, jacob girls just wanna have fun (still laughing)"
Jacob: "oh, ok."

-i've decided to be more constructive with my poetry. i'm practicing challenging myself in my writing by having a goal in mind when i sit down to write. there are still spontaneously inspired ones but i'm trying to reflect on people and it is an interesting process filling me with joy and sadness.

-i am excited beyond belief for the wonderful people who are going to be staying with me soon.

April's End

the dogwood is in bloom

and i miss the thought of it all

the tulips here grow to be 2 feet tall

how odd to have a flower desire to look you in the eye

it is not the flowers i am worried about 

but the lack of flowers,

the threat of no spring

straight from winter to summer

hidden life to approaching dust

but i can see the blossoms

and you  like how much i laugh

One More Semester of Seminary Down

i love my small evangelical seminary. i love that i am not conservative and that it is ok. i love that my thoughts have value and that i have learned to value myself enough to say them out loud. i love that i am becoming me in a place that is becoming my own.

things in school this semester:

-i wrote statements of beliefs on doctrine of God, doctrine of revelation, and doctrine of the person of Christ

-sixteen weeks of studying prayer

-read through the prophets and the gospels

-studied the story of the hemorrhaging woman in Mark 5 and wrote about her and loved her and her story and began to see myself in that story and loved Jesus even more because of that story

-i got to interview my sweet friend/mentor Gelayol and learn about her life in Iran and about what it was like to move to the United States

-i taught a room full of graduate students how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils

-i wrote a paper on the implications of Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and what it is communicating to our culture and how the church needs to respond (it may surprise you what Twilight is communicating to youth i know i was surprised, it was interesting)

things in life:

-discovered the joy of hot rollers allowing me to have curly big hair whenever i see fit

-moved 

-really getting to know my sweet friend Rachael i live with

-discovering the joy of new music almost daily

-joined a gym 

-learning more how to love myself

-hiking constantly

-drinking more coffee then is necessary

-learning to love being single

-making my new house my home

-discovered i don't like shirts with sleeves

-making cards is an absolute joy, sending them is even better

-trying to figure what to say to tell someone i'm done

-Christian Camping International, hopefully

-taking pictures on disposable cameras because my digital is broken

-ready for the adventure that will be May-August

3 Thoughts

I love spring.

Iced coffee and skirt wearing has commenced. 

Listening to The Everyday Visuals and Carolina Liar.

watching springtime unfold

from the bench seat in the window

waiting for something

allowing myself a moment

to be with you

as my heart leaps 

at the sound of your name

at the words in your letter

the thought of a future i dare not entertain

what will spring bring?

not you.

Not A Flower

in silence,

flower petals drop

to the floor

forgotten.

withering.

left in the quiet room

accompanied only

by the rocking chair's creak

waiting,

waiting,

waiting,

for someone,

to fill this space.

not just a body,

but a spirit

with laughter.

bringing with them

a watering can,

coaxing the petals

to once again grow.

long. tired.

life is crazy right now. 2 and 1/2 weeks of school left until a break before summer classes start in june. i'm learning a lot though and feel blessed in my classes and in my new living situation.  i just finished a paper on the unity within the person of Christ, asserting that you can't legitimately separate the historical Jesus from the Christ of faith, because one does not exist without the other. next week for one of my intercultural classes i'm teaching the class how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils. it should be a fun time, talking about being joyful in worship and this translates well to children of all cultures. it looks like 2 years as a youth director is coming in handy ;) two more doctrinal statements as well will be being written and thought over and thought on and discussed as i figure out how to say what i believe.

more then any of that though i am living.  i am going out. making food with (the new roommate and most importantly friend). not letting my school dictate my life but living because this is it, i've only got so much time in portland. there is no way i am rachael going to waste it on days it is beautiful to sit inside. life is moving so fast and it is crazy to think that i have already be living here for almost 9 months. 

so, i'm working on living and laughing and cooking (without fear).

life is good.

God is good and alive.

may is going to be a fun month.

summer is very close.

Spring Break

That little sweet heart in the middle I get to call my brother.

That's a pretty good image of mine and my brothers relationship ;) this is just one of the many afternoons we spent on the trampoline.

That is definitely my grandma, sister, and brother on the trampoline. Oh how I love my family.

One of the hazards of moving, poor coffee mug. More pictures of my new colorful townhouse coming soon.

What Else Can I Do?

Do you really have to go out of the country?
Could you please go some place less dangerous?

These are the questions my family regularly asks me when we discuss my internship for the fall of 2011. I'm going to be in South or Central America and this terrifies my family. I don't see any other option, for me at least. I want to work with children who need love, who need a chance, and a way out. It's either South or Central America or Africa for me. There's never really been another way. This is where I am going. Part of that is because we have to do an internship in a foreign country and the other part is because I want to. I have always wanted to. And everything I learn I am going to bring back and put it to use with children in this country. I am getting a masters in intercultural studies and most people assume that means other cultures but I feel it transcends that and moves into the subcultures around us. That is where I am going to work, much to the dismay of some. I am going to love and work on healing this earth. Because what else can I do?

In music news:
If you go the Iron and Wine website right now you can download for free (my favorite word with regards to music) 8 acoustic tracks from The Shepherd's Dog album. Do it! They are fantastic!

sometimes i wish i had a secret. something good. not the list of bad secrets i hold close, but a good one. one that makes me excited to keep secret. one that is just for me. i had one and it was nice until it turned into something else. still good. a friendship came out of it. almost humorous really. oh secrets so good and so bad. so many secrets yet to be had.
in other news:
Caroline Smith and The Good Night Sleeps make my life happy and sound very much like spring.

the approach of spring

i hum in my sleep

the melodies of my dreams

blowing through my life

leaves, twigs, and particles of memories

Getting Old

That sweet man in the picture is my grandfather. I love him (and the sweet woman next to him my grandmother). He can't see to ever be well and it's hard, it's hard to watch him getting old. Needless to say I'm really glad I'll be home in 6 days and I'll be able to spend some good time with the two of them. Getting old is not for the weak; I just keep telling myself he's strong enough.

On...

your words are running up my arms

keeping me warm

tickling the inside of my ear

as they ruffle through my hair

blowing strands in front of my eyes

telling me simple truths

truths i desperately need to hear

on beauty

on faith

on the cause of a summer breeze

A Dream

blurred lines on negative prints

of late night laughing sessions

cozy comfort in the front room

cramming people in every corner

singing

filling

abundance

welling up with life

even if only for this one night

captured forever in this joyous occasion

sharing in a moment that is not ours

taking advantage of the joy

the light in our eyes capturing

what the pictures never can

I had a dream about this summer and I liked what I saw.

Weekend with a Friend

Aimee

 kindred spirit, good friend 

lover of adventures and spontaneous days

Seattle for a day

Vintage exploration in the rain

Laughing

Laughing

and more 

Laughing

a time of year...

This time of year I get a little lonely for calvin crest, I'm not going to lie. I miss the atmosphere and the weather and the way it feels.

I miss these ladies. (but i get to see all of them soon)

I miss team meetings. 

I miss this being considered work.

I miss this being my view.

But I'm really excited to be here in Portland this summer. I'm excited to hike Mount Hood and pick every possible kind of fruit I can. I'm excited to frolic through fields of lavender. I'm excited to possible go to Argentina. I'm excited to ride my bike everywhere and where skirts and drink iced americano's. I'm excited to live with Rachel and develop that friendship. I'm excited to figure out even more how to live.

it's hard to look at the pictures of people who don't want to be a part of your life. and never tried. and still don't try. it shouldn't matter anymore. it's always been this way. but it does. i shouldn't have to fight back tears in the coffee shop right now. i have good defense mechanisms. but i am still very fragile. i probably should get this fragility looked at. i've been hurting long enough. i don't have to hurt.

A Reminder

gentle rain, 

soft breezes,

speak to a presence

in the midst of our doubt

a reminder

what's really important.

who you are,

is truth

found here,

not in the white tower

or in this view or that

but here, 

in the great expanse

laid out before us.

in the awe-inspiring

duality of the sky,

light reflecting on the ocean

next to the blackest of storms

while the waves,

reach out for the shore

greedily taking anything

in their fingers reach.

watching from our perch

small in our spot

giant in our thoughts of you

longing for tangibility

in the intangible

bringing the surroundings

into the songs.

on finding hope

I'm thinking more, finding hope. 

Realizing I don't have to ascribe to either view, I just have to be able to defend my view.

In other news: 

I went on a drive today and ended up on a beach in washington. 

It was awesome.

Tomorrow I'm going to do it all over again this time with my dear friend Rachel.

Goodness.

Hope.

All in the process of being found.

Is there Hope?

In my theology class we are currently talking about the Doctrine of God. Which is so good because we are talking about the greatness and goodness of God, the trinity and trying to wrap my mind around that is amazing. BUT, I am having some issues with the Doctrine of Election.  If you don't know what that is I'll give you a brief definition and I'll explain more as I understand more later. The basic definition is that the salvation of a person depends on God electing them, this manifests in many different ways the main ones being Calvinism and Arminianism. I am having a hard time making sense of this doctrine in light of who God is. I have no problem believing that people don't choose God but to think that God doesn't choose some people just doesn't make sense for me in light of who God says He is. I haven't made any concrete decisions about this yet and I'm still learning a lot and studying a lot.  I think the Biblical evidence shows both sides and so I'm trying to figure it out but I'm wrestling. 

I believe in God. I know God is real beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I know that in some ways I will never be able to understand the mind of God or the plan of God. But this idea that God calls some and not others makes me cringe because then I have a hard time seeing God as giving the world hope through Christ and loving the world by sending the Son.  Why doesn't it just say that God gave His chosen hope and loves His chosen. And I know we say that God doesn't send people to hell (whatever that means) only their sins do BUT if God is choosing who are the chosen then isn't he destining some for hell?  I know God is just and I am not saying that but this one of the ways where I see the doctrine of election coming in conflict with God's nature. 

Where's the justice?

Where's the hope?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

signs on our hands

the clock ticks out its steady beat

not slower than it did the day everything went wrong

or faster than the day everything went right

it just ticks

impartial to me and you

or the moments we want to hold for one second longer

because i can hold on to your hand

hoping to keep you in this scene forever

but the wrinkles will crease your eyes

and time will age us

the signs showing on our interlocked fingers

even if i will it not to

but i will not release you

because even if i can't make life one second longer

i can make it infinitely deeper 

challenging time to touch this distance

a revolt and rebellion against its existence

because this is our moment

not times.

Joy...

I have a most wonderful friend up here in Portland. Here name is Rachel and she is fantastic. We met at a time when i really needed a friend.  She is one of those people you just can't help but love and I cannot wait until we move in together this April.

Last night she called me up when she got outta class and we ended up going to a little bar down the street from my house and shared a pitcher of beer and listened to some live music and just talked. It was so wonderful. We share life when we are together not just meaningless conversation and I greatly appreciate her and her heart.

Sharing life is good.

Right In Front of My Eyes

I've always had a hard time making friends. I tend to be shy when I meet people which makes it hard but once you get to know me shyness seems silly in many ways.  I long for the close friendships I see around me that I am not a part of. But, because I was so  preoccupied wanting what someone else had I didn't even realize the wonderful friendship I do have. I have four wonderful girl in my life whom I am with right now and I am so thankful that they folded me into their lives, let me live with them, and the fact that we continue to share life even though I have moved to Oregon.

June Would Be Her Name

This girl was made for summer

For shoeless days

And wild hair drying in the sunshine

Her scent is something

Close to fresh cut grass, lavender and starlight

Skirts grace her figure making it easier to dance

Easier to take it all off and jump in the water

Laughter follows her

As well as the faint words of songs you long to know

Her words come out in shapes and colors

Dancing around your head

Making it easy to see her sense

And feel her mood

Her infectious spirit spins you

Into frenzied hyperventilation of happiness

This Side of Today

I held on to you far longer than was healthy
You lived nicely packaged under my bed

Contained in the box I made, 

The picture from your calendar decorating it.

It was amazing how 3 1/2 years 

Could fist so easily in a shoebox

Ten silver dollars, pictures and ticket stubs

All just empty reminders of the pain I carried.

Then one day, packing up life for the first time

I threw it away--and you with it

I was starting new without you

You would be a lesson I learned

A time of life I would remember

But not long for anymore.

So I ran,

I ran to find the person I had never known--

I found her in foreign countries

In the eyes of the people who loved her,

I found her in darkness

And in the light that pervaded the dark she lied in,

In the end when I had the courage 

I looked in the mirror and found her in my eyes.

I had only been lost

Because I did not know how to be found,

So now I walk

Not needing to watch my feet

The ground is not going anywhere anymore,

Eye raised watching everything

Introducing all to who I am being and becoming.

A Portland Winter

Life is pleasant. 

It doesn't hurt that we have had sunshine and I have been able to let my feet be free in flip flops. It's also been windy so I've let my hair be wild and blow in the wind. I'm taking my first theology class and I am reveling in the amazingness of it all. I get to write statements of belief and I am excited for that because that means I have to think about what I believe and why I believe it.

I've also started swing dancing.

I think I could live on apples, sandwiches, and cups of stumptown coffee.

living on the seam of history

experiencing the sunrise

through the lens of a daydream

not missing the perfect perfection

and the impossibility of it all

in light of discovery and nature

asking my questions

and only truly wanting your answers

because no one else knows my heart

you know the beats

and you've counted each one i've missed

so, i look to you in this watershed moment

for every unasked thought

this wrapped up in the missed beats

and in the ones that come to quickly

my ears can't hear its thrumming

but my whole body resonates with its groaning

because this space is getting small

and i don't know how much longer

or how much more my body can take

before i burst under the weight

of this moment

of this season

of this ache that is not yet defined

crying out in muffled pleas

for a glimpse

for something concrete

even for a second to lift this fog

Masochist

I just keep letting you break my heart

Unable to control the memories it holds

The desires it longs for

I just wish it would warn me

Before it does something stupid like hope

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I left you in another place

Or maybe really you left me

But if we're being honest

There wasn't "anything"

Or any "us" to leave

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I have nothing

Except for this stupid hope I created

And locked myself in 

Without prior consent

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I just want to be free

But freedom alludes

Teases just out of reach

While I am shackled to this false hope

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

If the annoying voice would stop shouting

MAYBE DON'T GIVE UP!!

Then maybe, I could give up

I just don't understand the hold

It makes no sense

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

Perfect Response

I won't sing along,

or try to learn the words,

some songs aren't made for that.

These are the ones you simply enjoy.

You close your eyes,

lean your head back,

and imagine the warmth of sunshine in summer.

The scent of the earth,

and the wood dock under your shoulder blades.

The fresh cut grass,

and the clear night of a million stars.

Enveloped in nothing but the perfect rhythm

and clandestine beats.

It couldn't be ruined,

not today.

A New Year

Portland feels comfortable this time. 

It has been nice to be back. 

It's almost kind of refreshing to be quiet again. 

Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

And by maybe I think I mean yes.

What a year for a new year :)

Learning How to Plant

I have moved 10 times in the last 5 years. And in April it will make it number 11. I'm tired. Someone once told me you move more than anyone I know. Most of the time people just ask why I move so much. I honestly don't know. Sometimes it's because I have to; other times it's because I can't stay (and those are two very different reasons).

Either way, I'm tired.

I need to learn how to grow something. Plant something and then harvest something. I need to learn how to farm instead of just gathering along the way and not being able to take everything with me. I don't know when I can stop enough to do that...in a year and a half I'll be moving to Brazil (most likely) for 6 months to a year.

What then? After that? A garden?

There's more to this I can feel it in my stomach. I don't know what yet, but there is more.

Perhaps You'll Hear

I want you to remember me

Remember me like the night on the beach

With the wind so strong

Our voices flew behind us

And yet somehow, our laughter stayed.

Remember the freezing car ride

Staying close to stay warm

Just tired enough, to not know what was going on.

Remember the words we exchanged

And the words we didn't

With the look only we saw.

I want you to remember me

Enough to not forget me

To think of me fondly

And to one day come back to me.

Typical Samantha

Things generally happen to me that other people can't believe. I live most days saying "really? really!? Did that honestly just happen!" Since living in Portland I have had consistently odd things happen to me. Here's a sampling:

-My drivers side window got smashed in (i obviously did not do this to myself but it has happened since being in Portland)

-Flooded my bathroom

-slipped and fell (may have broken my toe)

-Consistently injure myself  on the corners of things

-Started a grease fire in my kitchen, almost burned down my apartment building, which then resulted in small burns on my legs

-Electrocuted myself

This isn't an exhaustive list but it gives you an idea of what goes on in my life. Whether it's daily or weekly things aren't exactly normal but then again normal would be not fun whatsoever :)

I cry out in the dark

Recieving my answer in the light

Hearing your word

In the tranquility of your morning,

I haven't seen the sun in days

But something about the morning shines,

With doves eyes I see the day

Spread out before me

As I fight for joy,

Ripping off my sackcloth

Washing off the ash

Putting on linen,

In the silent revery of this moment

To dance to a tune that's just for me

For I am not mourning

But I am present in your temple

In the center of your love.

Hear My children and know that I am the Lord your God. I will never forget you. Look at the trees and know that I am there. Feel the wind and know that I am speaking. You have heard My voice and yet you forget it. 

You forget My provision and My plan for your life. But I have bought you at a great price so that we could be together. When you hear Me again you will remember My love for you. My children if you remember nothing else remember My love. Remember that I chose you not because of anything you could offer Me but because I love you. And remember that I continue choosing you today.

Hello fall, meet Samantha.

The Truth That Hurts

This is one of those songs that says goodbye

That is thrown away because of pain

Not even given a second glance

Because goodbye is too permanent,

And I don't do permanent,

I keep things surface level

Because I'm not gonna hurt

I'm not gonna care

That way when you say goodbye 

I don't even have to give a sad contemplative sigh

Because I won't mind,

Or at least that's what I'll tell you,

I'll tell you I don't care 

And that I will shed no tears over your memory,

If I even decide to keep memories of you,

And you might even believe my hard exterior

And my nonchalant ways

But the truth--

The truth is I feel too much

And my heart will ache with your goodbye

And I will cry,

But I will wait until you leave

Because I try to be tough

And I try to build wall that you can't climb

When really I've made it so I can't climb out,

And so is this my future behind a wall?

Never having to say goodbye,

But never given the opportunity to say hello...

My Thoughts in a Day

My life is getting personal

In real tangible ways

That feel like soft breezes on cloudy days

And late night walks

With autumn colored tree lined paths

Leading to a cup of tea

And a warm embrace

With songs ringing through my ears

In a fall that feels like winter

Living in a place that is not home

Hoping to make it feel like home

Knowing that home feels like you

But trying not to let my mind wander that far

Throwing those thoughts off this bridge

Because it might be high enough to kill them

But my heart is invested in the future

And I can almost reach out and touch it

If I don't over analyze it first

"Set Up"

With a quick breath in

And one last look

Holding on possibly too long

Little did you know

What they were all anticipating

Getting set up 

To fail miserably

Or to change lives

No longer just an innocent evening

Two outcomes but

Only one is truly wanted.

Hanging On

The more I'm bought the less I cost. 

And I've been bought a few times. 

I've been bought by people who would throw me away 

when they got what they needed or 

when I wouldn't give them what they wanted. 

I've been bought by people who thought they loved me, 

but grew out of their love for me. 

I've been bought by people whom I thought I loved, 

but then I grew out of my love for them. 

Being bruised and cut bringing baggage wherever I go 

pained with the honesty I must profess. 

Hanging on the blessing of forgiveness 

and the promise of a hope and a future. 

Knowing that being bought can be beautiful 

if placed in hands that don't grow weary or tired with me and my baggage. 

Holding on to the hope that love can exist.  

Autumn mornings allow wool sweater to come 

out of the trunk and be thrown on,

as the tea kettle whistles

filled with lavender tea

that echos over the hard wood floors

while being

"a sweet autumn green eyed girl"

echos back in sweet give and take

like the sun trying to gain ground

over the impending clouds of winter

late at night

So most days I'm pretty much convinced that I am a introvert pretending to be an extrovert. I am completely crazy because I moved 17 hours away from home and 7 hours away from 4 of my best friends to a town where I know no one. I am not very good at making friends and most of that comes from the fact that I am terrified to try and that is something I need to figure out. Once I figure out how to get over my insecurities and let these new people see what everyone else sees all will be fine but until then I am a little home sick and friend sick and trying to kick my butt into shape and be the person I know I am. 

My Heart Broke a Little Tonight

So some background on my life. I have one roommate and she has a fiancé and we spend most evenings together because I know very few people and they don't do anything. Today he was talking about an email he got from a church he used to go to and how they got a new youth director and that they were starting a new thing where every last Sunday of the month they were going to go out into the community and serve the homeless and just the community in general on those last Sundays each month. Now me I was thinking about how awesome that was. They were exposing the high school students to a part of life they would probably rarely interact with. On top of all of that they were living out the gospel in loving these people and the greatest commandment. If we are loving others who are the imago dei (image of God) then we are loving God; at least these are the ways I think.

(Side note as to what's going on in my life right now: I am reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne right now and working on my Masters in Intercultural Studies because I want to live out the gospel here and abroad because I realized I wanted to do more then teach about Jesus I wanted to live like Jesus and show people Jesus, which I know you can do in a classroom but that isn't what God has put on my heart. CONCLUSION: I'm really into being in the community and living out what Jesus preached right now and always and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.)

My roommate and her fiancé did not like this idea of taking the high schoolers out into the community on Sundays. They (really only he did the talking) feel that children should be with their parents on Sunday’s and that they should be in church on Sunday because it is the Sabbath. I brought up the fact that the Sabbath isn't Sunday but just a day one sets aside to rest in God and worship God. He just kind of scoffed at this (not angry like but a scoff) and said yes but it is also a day set aside for worshiping God (somehow he couldn't see how spending time with the homeless was worshiping and loving God). Then I brought up the fact that they are living out the gospel and following Jesus by doing this. (Once again another scoff) He said that was the reason that the youth director used but he maintained that children should be in church on Sundays with their families and he said that by doing this they are breaking the first commandment which says love God first and then others second. And that is where our discussion ended.

My heart broke. I couldn't believe that he would look down upon people living out the gospel. I know he would have hated the church I went to in Humboldt because we didn't have church some Sundays so that people would be encouraged to go out and do service projects. I hated (yes a strong word) the way he looked at the greatest commandment. He saw them as two separate commandments when that isn’t at all what Jesus was saying. (Now you can argue with me on this that’s fine I’m just going off of what a pastor of mine once preached on and also what I personally see in the scriptures and in Jesus’ life) These two commandments go hand in hand; if we are honestly loving God then we will not be able to stop loving God’s people and since we are each image bearers by loving one another we are loving God. My roommates fiancé said that they should just do it on a different day but I think it is great they are doing it on a Sunday; a day that is notoriously known for bad drivers and bad tippers. Why don’t we try giving a different perception of Sunday’s since Sunday is just another day. We made Sunday the day to go to church not God, Shabbat (the Sabbath in Hebrew) is really from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday. In my opinion the best way to worship God and learn about God is to live out the gospel.

So my heart hurt tonight.

"Surgery"

Winter spring summer fall

Seasons of ached longing

Longing for water inside

Quenching thirst with desire

Passion with prescribed medication

Finding reasons for stitches

Pulled out in sections

Hidden choices and decisions

wild apples ripen

all fall turns

late in season

ideal for roasting

presses getting ready

a bathtub setting

Warm breezes blow in from the east

gently moving the papers on the table

papers filled with poetry

filled with lists

and filled with notes

sending chills up my spine in this quiet apartment

Living North

So, I am in love with Missy Higgins. I had always liked but these past couple weeks I have just become a full blown lover of her music. I bought her CD On A Clear Night today and there was a song on it that I hadn't hear called "Going North" and I'm pretty sure she wrote it for me. Find it and listen to it if you ever get the chance. 

I wanna dance the tango with chance

I wanna ride on the wire

Cos nothing gets done with dust in your gun

And nobody respects a liar

So goodbye for a while I'm off to explore

Every boundery and every door

Yeah I'm going north

I wanna know where children go

If they never learnt to be cool

Cos nothings achieved when when pushed up a sleeve

Till nobody thinks you're a fool

So goodbye for a while I am out to learn more

About who I really was before

Yeah I'm going north

Up where the hunted hide with ease

Under the arms of eye-less trees

Up where the answers fall like leaves

Oh and your love is all I need

Yeah I'm going north

I accidentally fell in love with you.

Somewhere inbetween here and there I found you in my sight,

growing moss from being forgotten.

The cheaply fastened box did not hide my secrets very well

as we shared our treasure troves.

I pretended that I did not care that you

(an accident)

could see me so intimately. 

I kick the curb

with untied shoelaces

finding it so easy to trip and fall,

over my words

that needlessly and thoughtlessly come out

in twos and threes

and sometimes entire phrases of worthless banter

meant to fill the void in this room that I find,

uncomfortable 

and so I attempt to fill it

with something--anything

to take my mind off the pit in my stomach

and the ache in my heart

A Practice in Pink

Pink flamingos that run through fields of red #40 and yellow #5 trying to break through a world of tutus and Barbie and Hello Kitty, all the while attempting to hold on to punk rock hair and hide the kind of scars that only cherry blossoms can leave behind, as you're stuck in the margin lines of rose petals and babies not wanting one or the other because to give in means to give up on sunsets and speeding tickets...

Perfect Plastic Casing

trying to live in a moving box

contents wrapped in plastic bags

seemingly safe from harm

but cause for a noisy existence

everything untouchable in its

perfect

plastic

casing

visible in its loneliness

not sure how to reach out

without pushing away

plastic casing is safer

but who wants to hug a bag?

with its cold staticy edges

when flesh and blood live next door

a warm body will always win

cuz it's about nearness not perfection

and being close is a luxury

a luxury that a plastic bag will never know

Portland Playlist

Missy Higgins

Norah Jones

The Decemberists 

Iron&Wine

I'm going to go to the Tao of Tea today. My first adventure alone into downtown!

This song has been one I can't get enough of lately. 

It's "Forgive Me" by Missy Higgins:

Oh my son look at what I've done

But I am learning still

Learning still

Know that I am learning still

And oh my wife you are my life

And I am burning still

Burning still

Know that I am burning for you still

And all, all of my light is for you

And home, home's anywhere you are too

So take this one fallen man on his knees

Saying please forgive me

Oh my God how you make it hard

Not to pick the apple

Pick the apple

And Lord I long to give it back

And I was on shaky land

Lost and unsure I opened my hand

And she held it like sinking sand

And all, all, all of my light is for you

And home, home's anywhere you are too

So take this one fallen man on his knees

Saying please

All, all, all of my light is for you

And home, home's anywhere you are too

So take this one fallen man on his knees 

Saying please forgive me

Forgive me

Forgive me

So I am just feeling sorry for myself lately. I'm going to get over it!! All the school stuff starts on thursday with orientation and I think after that I'll feel better. Right now I just want to pack up and go home but I've gotta give it time and try and so I will! Massive amounts of tea will get me through!!

In my New Living Room

I need a friend. I'm really trying not to be lonely but my dad left today and it's all kinda starting to hit me. The girl I'm living with is nice but we are very different to say the least. I'm afraid I might scare her a little bit. Oh goodness gracious...I think unpacking my room and going for a walk will make me feel better. I hope so.

Last Day in California

So, I'm moving to Oregon tomorrow. I feel like I have so much to say but neither the energy or desire to do so. So much has changed in me this summer. Maybe some other time. Talk to you from Oregon.

JJ Heller's New Album

If you have ever heard of JJ Heller then you know she is amazing. If you haven't heard of her music then you need too!! Here's your chance!! She is giving away her new album for free to download through November. Take this opportunity to become acquainted with her music. Her music has changed my life maybe it'll do the same for you.

'>http://

I'm Feeling Better

I took some deep breathes.
Talked to Eric Weitzel.
Got more information about Portland.
What could be better? (nutella with feta on toast)

I am terribly afriad that I am making the wrong decision. Things aren't fitting together as perfectly as I hoped. I don't know what to do I am so confused.

"Three Years Remembered"

I can see the moonlight--

dark and crisp over the salty air.

Warm with a tropical freshness

and the oceans forever blue.

Stars come out to greet me

in this rolling ocean but

it is the moon that demands my attention.

It's luminous grandeur

that reflect across the pacific

daring me to dream

and hope

on its endless light.

This silver crested scene

could be three years remembered

but today is new.

New eyes watch this moonlight roll

and these waves break,

A new person lets this warm

salty air blow through her hair,

For I am not three years remembered

and the past is a lesson I don't

need to live again.

So, I will be the image of today

and the hope of tomorrow.

I'm Better Than This

I'm not this kind of girl. I feel too much. I get too involved. And then in the end my heart hurts and my feelings get hurt. I want to be mad, and I am for probably the next day and most likely the next time I see you, but I'm pretty sure you just don't know how to talk to me. You do know how to talk to me because you have, but I think it makes you nervous because you only do it when we're alone. I wanted to throw a water bottle at the back of your head as had as I could today and say "Oops it slipped" but I didn't. I know you aren't intentionally trying to hurt me. I have said a lot of mean things about you today to other people and I don't really mean them I'm just hurt and it's easier to be mad then cry. I wasn't going to pine over you but I would have liked to have been your friend. I enjoyed hearing about your life and I enjoyed sharing about mine. You were interested in what I was doing in my life and that meant a lot to me. I'll let you try and redeem yourself if you can man-up and do it because you are a good person. But right now, I don't have the time to be upset because you're cute but not that cute and I'm better than this.

Road Tripping for A Day

Tomorrow I am going to Calvin Crest to visit friends.
I can't wait.
My soul could use some friendship and green trees.
One day turn around but it's better then nothing!

I am Exctied for This:

Summer's Playlist (or the artists I can't get enough of)

1. Priscilla Ahn (favorite song: Are We Different? and Rain)
2. Mates of State (the wonderful new album, My Only Offer is a love of mine)
3. Adele (i love Chasing Pavements but also Not Drunk Enough)
4.The Honorary Title (love The City's Summer)
5. American Bang (just wanna dance)
6. The Ting Tings (just wanna dance some more)
7. Iron&Wine - The Shepherd's Dog (i've had this CD for awhile but i am loving it this summer)
8. The Submarines (so freaking good!! i love You, Me & The Bourgeoise)
9. Old Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers (specifically albums: Damn the Torpedoes and Full Moon Fever, favorite song Yer So Bad)
10. New Found Glory (the only song i listen to is their remake of The King of Wishful Thinking)
11. Jason Mraz - We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things (this new album is awesome in my opinion)

That's it for now I am sure more will be added through out the summer but for now this is good. I'm off to the races...

The Quietness of Noise

My life is quiet right now. But good, so good. I spend a lot of time reading and laying by the pool of course. I am currently enraptured with The Prophet by Kahil Gibran. My soul needed it and I'm just drinking it up. It's funny I don't think quiet is the right word for my life because I live with my parents and my 9 year old sister and 4 year old brother and I live in the living room and I don't have a door or really any window coverings and so my life is a bit naked right now. Everything is spread out in all directions for everyone to see and that includes me. I'm enjoying it and finding peace in this madness :) God completely has surprised me with where I am and what I am doing. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing much of anything and I wish had gone to Calvin Crest but I'm doing tons of stuff and I have people I need to be with and things I need to do that Calvin Crest wouldn't allow.

I'm helping my grandparents clean out all of there closets this summer and the stories I've gotten about family members and what different pieces of clothing mean to my grandma (and the rocking 70's sunglasses) are priceless. In one day I've learned so much about my grandparents and my family. Last week I took a ten mile walk with mom from Marina Del Ray through Venice almost to Santa Monica just the two of us. All we did was talk and it was a sweet sweet time. My entire family (grandparents, parents and siblings) is taking a cruise together which should be crazy and fun. I get to be a bridesmaid for my dear friends Cindy and Kyle. I was there when they met and when they feel love and I feel honored to be included in their day. I am seeing Fergie in concert with my mom and sister! Not my first choice but I love my mom and sister so I am going. And then my dad and I are going to drive to Portland just the two of us. I'm excited for what God will do with that trip and what will come of it.

So life is noisy but so quiet and serene. Life is beautiful. I am happy to be where I am.

It's summer time....Time to learn how to Let go and Hold on

Give me another place to stand.
Reaching for an open palm
That is facing the wrong way for me to hold
Aimlessly losing grip
Blamed on bad timing.

Oceans of memories and unanswered unasked questions
Would take longer than a plane ride
Over the Pacific.

So take three steps to the right
And I’ll take four to the left,
And maybe things will become clear,
Maybe the ocean will shrink,
Maybe our continents will meet,
Or maybe we’ll figure out how to not lose grip.

Are we learning how to create?

My senior project is done and in. I wrote a paper about Jesus' relationship with women. What that looked like, what that meant for women then, what that means for us today. I am a poor judge of my own writing and I often think my writing sucks but somehow I pass, so I guess it's not as bad as I think. So of course I have no idea how good my paper is but regardless I loved it. I loved every part of this because of everything I learned and how it affected me on a personal level. Some of the best things I learned I didn't even use in my paper. I'm still processing a lot of it now that I can actually take a step back and soak in what I learned instead of putting it in thought form appropriate for a phenomenological paper.


Last summer when my teammates and I were planning out our lessons for AIM during O-week we were having problems figuring out what to say and teach. Then we got the advice that regardless of the problems you may be having theologically or with the church go back to Jesus. Go back to the root to the foundation and start from there. And I took that advice again. I was going to write on feminist theology but then I realized what I really wanted to know was what Jesus had to say about women. I wanted to know how I, as a woman, fit into Christianity. I wanted to know where my authority came from. I wanted to know in a world where women are told no and religion is used against them what Jesus was actually saying for them.


In the end I was sad and disappointed. I was sad and disappointed that women have been excluded from leadership due to an apostolic tradition that they were left out of not because of Jesus, but because of men with agendas that wrote down everything. I was sad that verses have been skewed and taken out of context to keep women in abusive relationships. I was frustrated because I feel like we follow Paul more then we follow Christ. I was sad and frustrated with women today who wrote that we are wrong to look for equality and to think that there were female disciples. I was angry that a Christian women author said that God could not possibly be female and then proceeded to quote verses that distinctly give God motherly attributes and said that these verses don't mean anything. I was sad that these types of books are sold and given to women within Christianity as authoritative. I was sad that we place so much weight in gender when God is non-gendered and Jesus was ontologically male but that means absolutely nothing to the grand scheme of who Jesus is and what his message is. I was sad that the first time I heard this revolutionary message of Christ's love and respect for women was in my senior thesis class and not in my church.


At the same time I was happy and filled with joy in the end. I was ecstatic that Jesus gave authority to women and included them within his disciples. I was ecstatic that there were three main women disciples. I was overjoyed that Martha was never in the kitchen. I was overjoyed that you do not have to choose between being a Martha or a Mary but that it is about a balance between them. I was happy to learn my history as a Christian female and wrestle with it. I was excited to see that Jesus called for an authentic existence between the sexes. I was encouraged that Jesus did not tell women that they should suffer silently but that they should stand up against unjust suffering. I loved that Jesus gave women voices and let them speak. I was happy to see women letting their hair down and Jesus affiriming them. I was happy to see women speaking out and speaking up in faith and Jesus affiriming them. I loved that without the women's testimony that Jesus was really dead and that his tomb was really empty then never would have been Christianity, because everyone else ran away. I was encouraged that redemptive readings are possible. I was encouraged that 10 women got into the party and that we need to watch for his coming and that these are two different stories are not one to hurt women. I love that acts of love are encouraged. I love that women are examples when men run away. I love that women have been there since the beginning and that Luke had the courage to write that down so that his community would know. I found joy in the fact that Jesus revealed his identity to women and that many believed because of women. I love that no one is excluded.

In the end I am determined more then anything else. I am determined to live like I have authority and that I have every right to be where I am and do what I want to do. I am determined to live the life Christ opened up to me as a women. I am determined.



The Five Virgins by Thomas Merton

There were five virgins
Rowdies
Who arrived for the Wedding of the Lamb

With their motor-scooters burned out
And their gas tanks
Empty

But since they knew how to
Dance
They were told to
Stick around anyhow.

So that's it: there were
Five rowdy virgins
Without gas
But really caught up
In the action.

There were then ten virgins
At the Wedding of the Lamb.

Where are you going with your life?
Good question...
It's only have past yesterday,
I'm just trying to walk without wobbling.

Counting the days on one Hand

I am immersed in a world of feminist theology, liberation theology, and Jesus.
It is a pretty good place to be.
And to think I get a degree for doing something I love.
It is stressful but the amount I've read and learned has all been worth it.
More details about this wonderfulness in mere days as I finish.