thank you.

i have to break a friends heart tomorrow. i have to admit that my actions at times were misleading. i'm learning how to be friends with boys and sadly someone has to be a guinea pig, i'm sorry you are going to get hurt because of me. i've never had to do this before and it sucks. and i'm afraid we'll never be friends the same way again. and you knew everything, all my shit was laid on the table and you didn't run away. people keep asking why i don't feel for you and i don't really know, there is just something missing. there is something missing, the key thing i would need to know that you are more then just my friend. i made some mistakes and tomorrow i have to face up to them and i'm sorry.

but i also need to say thank you. God has been teaching me that i am not my past and i have been trying to learn this lesson. he has been showing me that my bad decisions are not me and that i am enough for him. God has been showing me the love he has for me through the Son even though i have fallen so far so many times. and that is why i need to say thank you. thank you for showing me that someone could still want to be with me even after they know everything. thank you for not being afraid of my failures and for not being afraid for my baggage. thank you for showing me that i am good enough and that i can be loved and that someone can want me.

i don't think i realized how fast i have been holding to the lie that i am not enough, and the lie that no one could love me once they really know me. i have made that lie truth so many times that i couldn't tell the difference anymore. i have believed that happiness wasn't meant for me and that i had my chance and i screwed it up. but i haven't missed my chance. and i do deserve happiness. and i need to let people know me, really know me.

so, i'm sorry i have to hurt you tomorrow.

but, thank you for showing me i can show people the real me and i can still be loved.

thank you for showing me i am good enough.

thank you for not even realizing that God was using you to expose the lie i've been living.

thank you.

i hope you can be my friend again, someday.