Learning How to Plant

I have moved 10 times in the last 5 years. And in April it will make it number 11. I'm tired. Someone once told me you move more than anyone I know. Most of the time people just ask why I move so much. I honestly don't know. Sometimes it's because I have to; other times it's because I can't stay (and those are two very different reasons).

Either way, I'm tired.

I need to learn how to grow something. Plant something and then harvest something. I need to learn how to farm instead of just gathering along the way and not being able to take everything with me. I don't know when I can stop enough to do that...in a year and a half I'll be moving to Brazil (most likely) for 6 months to a year.

What then? After that? A garden?

There's more to this I can feel it in my stomach. I don't know what yet, but there is more.

Perhaps You'll Hear

I want you to remember me

Remember me like the night on the beach

With the wind so strong

Our voices flew behind us

And yet somehow, our laughter stayed.

Remember the freezing car ride

Staying close to stay warm

Just tired enough, to not know what was going on.

Remember the words we exchanged

And the words we didn't

With the look only we saw.

I want you to remember me

Enough to not forget me

To think of me fondly

And to one day come back to me.

Typical Samantha

Things generally happen to me that other people can't believe. I live most days saying "really? really!? Did that honestly just happen!" Since living in Portland I have had consistently odd things happen to me. Here's a sampling:

-My drivers side window got smashed in (i obviously did not do this to myself but it has happened since being in Portland)

-Flooded my bathroom

-slipped and fell (may have broken my toe)

-Consistently injure myself  on the corners of things

-Started a grease fire in my kitchen, almost burned down my apartment building, which then resulted in small burns on my legs

-Electrocuted myself

This isn't an exhaustive list but it gives you an idea of what goes on in my life. Whether it's daily or weekly things aren't exactly normal but then again normal would be not fun whatsoever :)

I cry out in the dark

Recieving my answer in the light

Hearing your word

In the tranquility of your morning,

I haven't seen the sun in days

But something about the morning shines,

With doves eyes I see the day

Spread out before me

As I fight for joy,

Ripping off my sackcloth

Washing off the ash

Putting on linen,

In the silent revery of this moment

To dance to a tune that's just for me

For I am not mourning

But I am present in your temple

In the center of your love.

Hear My children and know that I am the Lord your God. I will never forget you. Look at the trees and know that I am there. Feel the wind and know that I am speaking. You have heard My voice and yet you forget it. 

You forget My provision and My plan for your life. But I have bought you at a great price so that we could be together. When you hear Me again you will remember My love for you. My children if you remember nothing else remember My love. Remember that I chose you not because of anything you could offer Me but because I love you. And remember that I continue choosing you today.

Hello fall, meet Samantha.

The Truth That Hurts

This is one of those songs that says goodbye

That is thrown away because of pain

Not even given a second glance

Because goodbye is too permanent,

And I don't do permanent,

I keep things surface level

Because I'm not gonna hurt

I'm not gonna care

That way when you say goodbye 

I don't even have to give a sad contemplative sigh

Because I won't mind,

Or at least that's what I'll tell you,

I'll tell you I don't care 

And that I will shed no tears over your memory,

If I even decide to keep memories of you,

And you might even believe my hard exterior

And my nonchalant ways

But the truth--

The truth is I feel too much

And my heart will ache with your goodbye

And I will cry,

But I will wait until you leave

Because I try to be tough

And I try to build wall that you can't climb

When really I've made it so I can't climb out,

And so is this my future behind a wall?

Never having to say goodbye,

But never given the opportunity to say hello...

My Thoughts in a Day

My life is getting personal

In real tangible ways

That feel like soft breezes on cloudy days

And late night walks

With autumn colored tree lined paths

Leading to a cup of tea

And a warm embrace

With songs ringing through my ears

In a fall that feels like winter

Living in a place that is not home

Hoping to make it feel like home

Knowing that home feels like you

But trying not to let my mind wander that far

Throwing those thoughts off this bridge

Because it might be high enough to kill them

But my heart is invested in the future

And I can almost reach out and touch it

If I don't over analyze it first

"Set Up"

With a quick breath in

And one last look

Holding on possibly too long

Little did you know

What they were all anticipating

Getting set up 

To fail miserably

Or to change lives

No longer just an innocent evening

Two outcomes but

Only one is truly wanted.

Hanging On

The more I'm bought the less I cost. 

And I've been bought a few times. 

I've been bought by people who would throw me away 

when they got what they needed or 

when I wouldn't give them what they wanted. 

I've been bought by people who thought they loved me, 

but grew out of their love for me. 

I've been bought by people whom I thought I loved, 

but then I grew out of my love for them. 

Being bruised and cut bringing baggage wherever I go 

pained with the honesty I must profess. 

Hanging on the blessing of forgiveness 

and the promise of a hope and a future. 

Knowing that being bought can be beautiful 

if placed in hands that don't grow weary or tired with me and my baggage. 

Holding on to the hope that love can exist.  

Autumn mornings allow wool sweater to come 

out of the trunk and be thrown on,

as the tea kettle whistles

filled with lavender tea

that echos over the hard wood floors

while being

"a sweet autumn green eyed girl"

echos back in sweet give and take

like the sun trying to gain ground

over the impending clouds of winter

late at night

So most days I'm pretty much convinced that I am a introvert pretending to be an extrovert. I am completely crazy because I moved 17 hours away from home and 7 hours away from 4 of my best friends to a town where I know no one. I am not very good at making friends and most of that comes from the fact that I am terrified to try and that is something I need to figure out. Once I figure out how to get over my insecurities and let these new people see what everyone else sees all will be fine but until then I am a little home sick and friend sick and trying to kick my butt into shape and be the person I know I am. 

My Heart Broke a Little Tonight

So some background on my life. I have one roommate and she has a fiancé and we spend most evenings together because I know very few people and they don't do anything. Today he was talking about an email he got from a church he used to go to and how they got a new youth director and that they were starting a new thing where every last Sunday of the month they were going to go out into the community and serve the homeless and just the community in general on those last Sundays each month. Now me I was thinking about how awesome that was. They were exposing the high school students to a part of life they would probably rarely interact with. On top of all of that they were living out the gospel in loving these people and the greatest commandment. If we are loving others who are the imago dei (image of God) then we are loving God; at least these are the ways I think.

(Side note as to what's going on in my life right now: I am reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne right now and working on my Masters in Intercultural Studies because I want to live out the gospel here and abroad because I realized I wanted to do more then teach about Jesus I wanted to live like Jesus and show people Jesus, which I know you can do in a classroom but that isn't what God has put on my heart. CONCLUSION: I'm really into being in the community and living out what Jesus preached right now and always and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.)

My roommate and her fiancé did not like this idea of taking the high schoolers out into the community on Sundays. They (really only he did the talking) feel that children should be with their parents on Sunday’s and that they should be in church on Sunday because it is the Sabbath. I brought up the fact that the Sabbath isn't Sunday but just a day one sets aside to rest in God and worship God. He just kind of scoffed at this (not angry like but a scoff) and said yes but it is also a day set aside for worshiping God (somehow he couldn't see how spending time with the homeless was worshiping and loving God). Then I brought up the fact that they are living out the gospel and following Jesus by doing this. (Once again another scoff) He said that was the reason that the youth director used but he maintained that children should be in church on Sundays with their families and he said that by doing this they are breaking the first commandment which says love God first and then others second. And that is where our discussion ended.

My heart broke. I couldn't believe that he would look down upon people living out the gospel. I know he would have hated the church I went to in Humboldt because we didn't have church some Sundays so that people would be encouraged to go out and do service projects. I hated (yes a strong word) the way he looked at the greatest commandment. He saw them as two separate commandments when that isn’t at all what Jesus was saying. (Now you can argue with me on this that’s fine I’m just going off of what a pastor of mine once preached on and also what I personally see in the scriptures and in Jesus’ life) These two commandments go hand in hand; if we are honestly loving God then we will not be able to stop loving God’s people and since we are each image bearers by loving one another we are loving God. My roommates fiancé said that they should just do it on a different day but I think it is great they are doing it on a Sunday; a day that is notoriously known for bad drivers and bad tippers. Why don’t we try giving a different perception of Sunday’s since Sunday is just another day. We made Sunday the day to go to church not God, Shabbat (the Sabbath in Hebrew) is really from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday. In my opinion the best way to worship God and learn about God is to live out the gospel.

So my heart hurt tonight.

"Surgery"

Winter spring summer fall

Seasons of ached longing

Longing for water inside

Quenching thirst with desire

Passion with prescribed medication

Finding reasons for stitches

Pulled out in sections

Hidden choices and decisions

wild apples ripen

all fall turns

late in season

ideal for roasting

presses getting ready

a bathtub setting

Warm breezes blow in from the east

gently moving the papers on the table

papers filled with poetry

filled with lists

and filled with notes

sending chills up my spine in this quiet apartment

Living North

So, I am in love with Missy Higgins. I had always liked but these past couple weeks I have just become a full blown lover of her music. I bought her CD On A Clear Night today and there was a song on it that I hadn't hear called "Going North" and I'm pretty sure she wrote it for me. Find it and listen to it if you ever get the chance. 

I wanna dance the tango with chance

I wanna ride on the wire

Cos nothing gets done with dust in your gun

And nobody respects a liar

So goodbye for a while I'm off to explore

Every boundery and every door

Yeah I'm going north

I wanna know where children go

If they never learnt to be cool

Cos nothings achieved when when pushed up a sleeve

Till nobody thinks you're a fool

So goodbye for a while I am out to learn more

About who I really was before

Yeah I'm going north

Up where the hunted hide with ease

Under the arms of eye-less trees

Up where the answers fall like leaves

Oh and your love is all I need

Yeah I'm going north

I accidentally fell in love with you.

Somewhere inbetween here and there I found you in my sight,

growing moss from being forgotten.

The cheaply fastened box did not hide my secrets very well

as we shared our treasure troves.

I pretended that I did not care that you

(an accident)

could see me so intimately. 

I kick the curb

with untied shoelaces

finding it so easy to trip and fall,

over my words

that needlessly and thoughtlessly come out

in twos and threes

and sometimes entire phrases of worthless banter

meant to fill the void in this room that I find,

uncomfortable 

and so I attempt to fill it

with something--anything

to take my mind off the pit in my stomach

and the ache in my heart

A Practice in Pink

Pink flamingos that run through fields of red #40 and yellow #5 trying to break through a world of tutus and Barbie and Hello Kitty, all the while attempting to hold on to punk rock hair and hide the kind of scars that only cherry blossoms can leave behind, as you're stuck in the margin lines of rose petals and babies not wanting one or the other because to give in means to give up on sunsets and speeding tickets...