Weekend with a Friend

Aimee

 kindred spirit, good friend 

lover of adventures and spontaneous days

Seattle for a day

Vintage exploration in the rain

Laughing

Laughing

and more 

Laughing

a time of year...

This time of year I get a little lonely for calvin crest, I'm not going to lie. I miss the atmosphere and the weather and the way it feels.

I miss these ladies. (but i get to see all of them soon)

I miss team meetings. 

I miss this being considered work.

I miss this being my view.

But I'm really excited to be here in Portland this summer. I'm excited to hike Mount Hood and pick every possible kind of fruit I can. I'm excited to frolic through fields of lavender. I'm excited to possible go to Argentina. I'm excited to ride my bike everywhere and where skirts and drink iced americano's. I'm excited to live with Rachel and develop that friendship. I'm excited to figure out even more how to live.

it's hard to look at the pictures of people who don't want to be a part of your life. and never tried. and still don't try. it shouldn't matter anymore. it's always been this way. but it does. i shouldn't have to fight back tears in the coffee shop right now. i have good defense mechanisms. but i am still very fragile. i probably should get this fragility looked at. i've been hurting long enough. i don't have to hurt.

A Reminder

gentle rain, 

soft breezes,

speak to a presence

in the midst of our doubt

a reminder

what's really important.

who you are,

is truth

found here,

not in the white tower

or in this view or that

but here, 

in the great expanse

laid out before us.

in the awe-inspiring

duality of the sky,

light reflecting on the ocean

next to the blackest of storms

while the waves,

reach out for the shore

greedily taking anything

in their fingers reach.

watching from our perch

small in our spot

giant in our thoughts of you

longing for tangibility

in the intangible

bringing the surroundings

into the songs.

on finding hope

I'm thinking more, finding hope. 

Realizing I don't have to ascribe to either view, I just have to be able to defend my view.

In other news: 

I went on a drive today and ended up on a beach in washington. 

It was awesome.

Tomorrow I'm going to do it all over again this time with my dear friend Rachel.

Goodness.

Hope.

All in the process of being found.

Is there Hope?

In my theology class we are currently talking about the Doctrine of God. Which is so good because we are talking about the greatness and goodness of God, the trinity and trying to wrap my mind around that is amazing. BUT, I am having some issues with the Doctrine of Election.  If you don't know what that is I'll give you a brief definition and I'll explain more as I understand more later. The basic definition is that the salvation of a person depends on God electing them, this manifests in many different ways the main ones being Calvinism and Arminianism. I am having a hard time making sense of this doctrine in light of who God is. I have no problem believing that people don't choose God but to think that God doesn't choose some people just doesn't make sense for me in light of who God says He is. I haven't made any concrete decisions about this yet and I'm still learning a lot and studying a lot.  I think the Biblical evidence shows both sides and so I'm trying to figure it out but I'm wrestling. 

I believe in God. I know God is real beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I know that in some ways I will never be able to understand the mind of God or the plan of God. But this idea that God calls some and not others makes me cringe because then I have a hard time seeing God as giving the world hope through Christ and loving the world by sending the Son.  Why doesn't it just say that God gave His chosen hope and loves His chosen. And I know we say that God doesn't send people to hell (whatever that means) only their sins do BUT if God is choosing who are the chosen then isn't he destining some for hell?  I know God is just and I am not saying that but this one of the ways where I see the doctrine of election coming in conflict with God's nature. 

Where's the justice?

Where's the hope?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

signs on our hands

the clock ticks out its steady beat

not slower than it did the day everything went wrong

or faster than the day everything went right

it just ticks

impartial to me and you

or the moments we want to hold for one second longer

because i can hold on to your hand

hoping to keep you in this scene forever

but the wrinkles will crease your eyes

and time will age us

the signs showing on our interlocked fingers

even if i will it not to

but i will not release you

because even if i can't make life one second longer

i can make it infinitely deeper 

challenging time to touch this distance

a revolt and rebellion against its existence

because this is our moment

not times.

Joy...

I have a most wonderful friend up here in Portland. Here name is Rachel and she is fantastic. We met at a time when i really needed a friend.  She is one of those people you just can't help but love and I cannot wait until we move in together this April.

Last night she called me up when she got outta class and we ended up going to a little bar down the street from my house and shared a pitcher of beer and listened to some live music and just talked. It was so wonderful. We share life when we are together not just meaningless conversation and I greatly appreciate her and her heart.

Sharing life is good.

Right In Front of My Eyes

I've always had a hard time making friends. I tend to be shy when I meet people which makes it hard but once you get to know me shyness seems silly in many ways.  I long for the close friendships I see around me that I am not a part of. But, because I was so  preoccupied wanting what someone else had I didn't even realize the wonderful friendship I do have. I have four wonderful girl in my life whom I am with right now and I am so thankful that they folded me into their lives, let me live with them, and the fact that we continue to share life even though I have moved to Oregon.

June Would Be Her Name

This girl was made for summer

For shoeless days

And wild hair drying in the sunshine

Her scent is something

Close to fresh cut grass, lavender and starlight

Skirts grace her figure making it easier to dance

Easier to take it all off and jump in the water

Laughter follows her

As well as the faint words of songs you long to know

Her words come out in shapes and colors

Dancing around your head

Making it easy to see her sense

And feel her mood

Her infectious spirit spins you

Into frenzied hyperventilation of happiness

This Side of Today

I held on to you far longer than was healthy
You lived nicely packaged under my bed

Contained in the box I made, 

The picture from your calendar decorating it.

It was amazing how 3 1/2 years 

Could fist so easily in a shoebox

Ten silver dollars, pictures and ticket stubs

All just empty reminders of the pain I carried.

Then one day, packing up life for the first time

I threw it away--and you with it

I was starting new without you

You would be a lesson I learned

A time of life I would remember

But not long for anymore.

So I ran,

I ran to find the person I had never known--

I found her in foreign countries

In the eyes of the people who loved her,

I found her in darkness

And in the light that pervaded the dark she lied in,

In the end when I had the courage 

I looked in the mirror and found her in my eyes.

I had only been lost

Because I did not know how to be found,

So now I walk

Not needing to watch my feet

The ground is not going anywhere anymore,

Eye raised watching everything

Introducing all to who I am being and becoming.

A Portland Winter

Life is pleasant. 

It doesn't hurt that we have had sunshine and I have been able to let my feet be free in flip flops. It's also been windy so I've let my hair be wild and blow in the wind. I'm taking my first theology class and I am reveling in the amazingness of it all. I get to write statements of belief and I am excited for that because that means I have to think about what I believe and why I believe it.

I've also started swing dancing.

I think I could live on apples, sandwiches, and cups of stumptown coffee.

living on the seam of history

experiencing the sunrise

through the lens of a daydream

not missing the perfect perfection

and the impossibility of it all

in light of discovery and nature

asking my questions

and only truly wanting your answers

because no one else knows my heart

you know the beats

and you've counted each one i've missed

so, i look to you in this watershed moment

for every unasked thought

this wrapped up in the missed beats

and in the ones that come to quickly

my ears can't hear its thrumming

but my whole body resonates with its groaning

because this space is getting small

and i don't know how much longer

or how much more my body can take

before i burst under the weight

of this moment

of this season

of this ache that is not yet defined

crying out in muffled pleas

for a glimpse

for something concrete

even for a second to lift this fog

Masochist

I just keep letting you break my heart

Unable to control the memories it holds

The desires it longs for

I just wish it would warn me

Before it does something stupid like hope

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I left you in another place

Or maybe really you left me

But if we're being honest

There wasn't "anything"

Or any "us" to leave

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I have nothing

Except for this stupid hope I created

And locked myself in 

Without prior consent

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

I just want to be free

But freedom alludes

Teases just out of reach

While I am shackled to this false hope

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

If the annoying voice would stop shouting

MAYBE DON'T GIVE UP!!

Then maybe, I could give up

I just don't understand the hold

It makes no sense

Tell me, why can't I let you go?

Perfect Response

I won't sing along,

or try to learn the words,

some songs aren't made for that.

These are the ones you simply enjoy.

You close your eyes,

lean your head back,

and imagine the warmth of sunshine in summer.

The scent of the earth,

and the wood dock under your shoulder blades.

The fresh cut grass,

and the clear night of a million stars.

Enveloped in nothing but the perfect rhythm

and clandestine beats.

It couldn't be ruined,

not today.

A New Year

Portland feels comfortable this time. 

It has been nice to be back. 

It's almost kind of refreshing to be quiet again. 

Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

And by maybe I think I mean yes.

What a year for a new year :)

Learning How to Plant

I have moved 10 times in the last 5 years. And in April it will make it number 11. I'm tired. Someone once told me you move more than anyone I know. Most of the time people just ask why I move so much. I honestly don't know. Sometimes it's because I have to; other times it's because I can't stay (and those are two very different reasons).

Either way, I'm tired.

I need to learn how to grow something. Plant something and then harvest something. I need to learn how to farm instead of just gathering along the way and not being able to take everything with me. I don't know when I can stop enough to do that...in a year and a half I'll be moving to Brazil (most likely) for 6 months to a year.

What then? After that? A garden?

There's more to this I can feel it in my stomach. I don't know what yet, but there is more.

Perhaps You'll Hear

I want you to remember me

Remember me like the night on the beach

With the wind so strong

Our voices flew behind us

And yet somehow, our laughter stayed.

Remember the freezing car ride

Staying close to stay warm

Just tired enough, to not know what was going on.

Remember the words we exchanged

And the words we didn't

With the look only we saw.

I want you to remember me

Enough to not forget me

To think of me fondly

And to one day come back to me.

Typical Samantha

Things generally happen to me that other people can't believe. I live most days saying "really? really!? Did that honestly just happen!" Since living in Portland I have had consistently odd things happen to me. Here's a sampling:

-My drivers side window got smashed in (i obviously did not do this to myself but it has happened since being in Portland)

-Flooded my bathroom

-slipped and fell (may have broken my toe)

-Consistently injure myself  on the corners of things

-Started a grease fire in my kitchen, almost burned down my apartment building, which then resulted in small burns on my legs

-Electrocuted myself

This isn't an exhaustive list but it gives you an idea of what goes on in my life. Whether it's daily or weekly things aren't exactly normal but then again normal would be not fun whatsoever :)

I cry out in the dark

Recieving my answer in the light

Hearing your word

In the tranquility of your morning,

I haven't seen the sun in days

But something about the morning shines,

With doves eyes I see the day

Spread out before me

As I fight for joy,

Ripping off my sackcloth

Washing off the ash

Putting on linen,

In the silent revery of this moment

To dance to a tune that's just for me

For I am not mourning

But I am present in your temple

In the center of your love.