not mine.

what does it mean to say forever?

to promise something that isn't yours.

on the backdrop of the past,

failures

triumphs

fears.

when this is all there is,

the etchings and the scars.

so why is a name impressed on each one?

honesty.

i need to learn the power of words and how to speak up for myself. i won't be caught in a cycle of abuse ever again. because i know i have worth and i will no longer let anyone take that truth from me.

honesty.

silence.

words.

new beginnings.

truth.

life.

good song.

Two Are One by Dri

Who's in your heart's

not always who's in your bed

You go looking for love

and find a lover there instead

So you hold them like you'd hold the hold the one you love

until it starts to feel like the two are one

Two are one

Who's in your bed's

not always who's in your heart

Some nights I'll pretend like I can't tell them apart

But then I sleep through the dark

with my eyes wide open

and my dreams lay our against the ceiling

and in every scene, it's you with me

and not this lover who lays beside me

like a rag team

in a movie

Who's in your heart's

not always who's in your bed

The night has a way of making you forget

that if the one you love's not the one you're loving

all our loving will amount to nothing

so I take off running and try to catch you

There's so many things I have to tell you

I wake up

and then I wake up

less periphery.

i feel distant from things i want to feel close to. i feel distant from people i have always wanted to love but have never figured out how more than an email here or there or an occasional care package. i try to like the telephone but i just don't. i like the people in my life i just wish there were some people who were in it more often and less periphery. what happens when i leave the country?

it's hard to see us sinking when we are light enough to float...

currently.

reading

dancing.

writing.

concert going.

embroidering.

laughing.

playing.

searching for God.

searching for a european country to call home.

wordlessly expressing.

longing

more laughing.

traveling.

thinking about traveling.

singing.

drinking tea.

fall sunshine.

our fall is cloudy in portland and this is a little bit of sunshine.

Suzie Johannes

last night i went to a show a local coffee house. there was an eating contest that consisted of one man eating a jelly roll and another one eating a lightbulb (i'm not kidding he at a lightbulb, he's a circus performer so that makes it normal, right? right.). there was also some awesome hip hop artists free styling and they wore cardigans and they talked a lot about Jesus and it was good. there was also some amazing poetry that brought tears to my eyes. there was also this wonderful musician kelli schaefer her music was phenomenal, you should listen to her song "carry us over".

rosie thomas.

i'm gonna drive over hills

over mountains and canyons

and boys that keep bringing me down

i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine

drink good wine in vineyards

and get asked to dance

i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by

never ever again.

time for some poems that have been living in the margins of my life...

"for a chance"

these breaths are on lease

until the air is cleaner

and this silence is on loan

until the music meets the words

balanced precariously

between fingertips

dipped in honey

sticky with pleasure

forbidden

deadly

everything i'm not

but everything i would be

will be

for a chance

at living

where the wind moves easily

in and out of my lungs

and i can sing a song

with words only used

by romance novelists or sailors.

-------------------------------------------

"clarity"

clarity fades in the shade of august

when words lose their meaning

as they are carelessly spoken

under skies being over taken by fall

the worries of winter cloud

the easy rhythm of life

sustained through summer

but teetering on the edge of losing it

one breath away from a warning

one sigh away from revealing

all wrapped up in the falling leaves

ice won't be clinking inside glasses much longer

as red wine takes it place

warming the space inside left by the sun

while an indecisive winter

causes bending of wills

unsure motives leading to unsure decisions

truth lost somewhere in the mist

----------------------------------------

"netting"

catching stars in nets

sewn together by my dreams of you

and boozed soaked melodies

that float

and lift

my loose strands of hair

coming undone as i reach for something

because sky scrapers block my view

only my net grazes the infinite

only my dreams are able to break through

my self is blocked in

and suffocating

-----------------------------

"she likes"

she likes the way he doesn't fear

her intelligence and wit,

playing into the jokes she tells

when she can't stop laughing at herself.

she likes the fact she can be herself

tattered, abused, used, learning how to be joyful.

he carries patches and mends

the places she doesn't see

and the ones she still tries to hide.

in this tangled dance

no one really knowing the steps,

only knowing they like where this is going

because she likes his eyes on her,

and he like to look.

as they move to the beats

she runs,

hand in hand with him

while he twirls her through the steps.

thank you.

i have to break a friends heart tomorrow. i have to admit that my actions at times were misleading. i'm learning how to be friends with boys and sadly someone has to be a guinea pig, i'm sorry you are going to get hurt because of me. i've never had to do this before and it sucks. and i'm afraid we'll never be friends the same way again. and you knew everything, all my shit was laid on the table and you didn't run away. people keep asking why i don't feel for you and i don't really know, there is just something missing. there is something missing, the key thing i would need to know that you are more then just my friend. i made some mistakes and tomorrow i have to face up to them and i'm sorry.

but i also need to say thank you. God has been teaching me that i am not my past and i have been trying to learn this lesson. he has been showing me that my bad decisions are not me and that i am enough for him. God has been showing me the love he has for me through the Son even though i have fallen so far so many times. and that is why i need to say thank you. thank you for showing me that someone could still want to be with me even after they know everything. thank you for not being afraid of my failures and for not being afraid for my baggage. thank you for showing me that i am good enough and that i can be loved and that someone can want me.

i don't think i realized how fast i have been holding to the lie that i am not enough, and the lie that no one could love me once they really know me. i have made that lie truth so many times that i couldn't tell the difference anymore. i have believed that happiness wasn't meant for me and that i had my chance and i screwed it up. but i haven't missed my chance. and i do deserve happiness. and i need to let people know me, really know me.

so, i'm sorry i have to hurt you tomorrow.

but, thank you for showing me i can show people the real me and i can still be loved.

thank you for showing me i am good enough.

thank you for not even realizing that God was using you to expose the lie i've been living.

thank you.

i hope you can be my friend again, someday.

Take It Back

A dream is a wish your heart makes?

Allow me to vomit on the very thought.

I dream of goodbyes

Of past loves

Of loves never had.

A dream?

Ha!

A nightmare.

My mind wants me to believe it is a dream,

My deepest fears at center stage,

Losing those I love,

Or want to love,

Or never being loved at all.

Cinderella can take back her song

And her happy ending dream

Because I don't live in a fairy tale,

And princes don't ride on horseback,

Or come in to save the day.

And this screams of bitterness,

And I may be a strong independent woman,

But that doesn't mean a thing,

I want a happy ending

Like any girl in a frilly dress

With stars still in her eyes.

Because I need to average out

My hello's with my goodbye's

But I have to figure this out

Because I have to live this

Day dreams and wishes my heart make

Only carry me so far.

But is there any other cure?

Any other answer to this bitterness?

But to dream.

To hope.

there are some people i will never fully let go of. i still carry you with me. my backup, no. my wish, maybe. i feel like i never really got an answer. but i don't know how to ask the right question now, with so much time and space between. perhaps someday i'll know. or maybe i'll forever carry a torch for you. or at least for who you were and where we were and who i was.

september feels fine.

and i mean real fine. this month has started off wonderful. back in classes and loving it amid all the stress. we are talking about the doctrine of humanity in theology and that has got to be one of the most fascinating things ever to me. exploring what it means to be human to be the imago Dei, the image of God. for me this has always been a very prominent question in my life and i know that it steams from being a woman and now even more so being confronted with the realities that i am not seen as an equal. thinking about what it means to be human changes so many other things in my life and in my theology. and. i. love. it. this month is also the tail end of all of the summer festivals and street fairs and summer concerts and so it is a busy month with things to do and people to see and life to enjoy and experience. goodness is abounding. new friendships. possibilities. i really like september. new favorite month. maybe always favorite month. fall. how i love thee.

The Lonely Brunette

she is a woman,

with long brown hair,

not the prettiest,

but beautiful in her own way.

she captures eyes

in a way she doesn't understand,

never one she wants

instead?

the bad boy.

the unmotivated.

the manipulative.

judgement?

inevitable.

the brunette doesn't even raise her eyes

as the crowds cry out,

tearing their hair,

gnashing their teeth,

she knows she's guilty

she's always known.

she doesn't ask for your pity,

this is simply her story,

her past,

her carry-on baggage.

she has learned to carry it,

so don't shame her,

she hasn't asked you to help,

she hasn't even asked you to care,

so pass your judgement

from safe inside your religious prison,

not knowing her past,

or her present,

or what brought her to this point

of disheveled nakedness.

but slowly the crowds silence,

and she allows her irises to wander

no further then her lashes,

and she sees him.

a man,

a little older and clearly a teacher,

but there's something different,

something he commands

simply by his presence.

one in the crowd brave enough,

asks for him to pass judgement,

asks for her death,

she hears nothing,

no response.

and she wonders

how long it will hurt,

how long till its over,

but she feels no pain;

and so she raises her head.

he's staring at her,

not at her nakedness,

something more intimate,

deeper then what the crowds saw,

but there are no more crowds,

they are alone,

but she is not afraid.

in a voice,

filled with ancient strength,

filling her with fear and reverence,

he says,

"leave your life,

follow my teachings,

my life,

my love,

and you will see and know,

but you have to choose."

and so she is left with a choice,

everything else has been stripped away,

she knows her next step,

now she must take it.

the approach of fall brings with it cloudy saturdays and a renewed love of oolong tea and water color paintings and dawn landes and angus and julia stone ringing in my ears...this is going to be a good fall...

home is where....

your family is.

your bed is.

your friends are.

you have signed a one year lease.

your favorite coffee shop is.

someone is always there to greet you at the airport.

people will house sit for you even though your cat peed on them.

you get pictures drawn for you by sweet siblings.

someone sits next to you just because they love you.

your favorite pair of shoes always end up where you didn't leave them.

your cat plays fetch.

the people you love are.

you live.

you visit.

reoccurring dream

cups of coffee steam, fresh on the dewy grass as i wait for your arrival to our place. you already smell of coffee, and last nights sleep still clings to your eyelashes as i watch your approach. sleek as a fox with your slender steps, measured, careful in your arrival as you think my eyes are averted towards the sun, willing its warmth to dry the grass. but i see you, and i enjoy watching you watch me, behind my sunglasses and my hair, carelessly piled in misdirection, asking you to touch and run your hands through. your hand grazes the tips of my hair as you sit taking the coffee i hand you. no words pass between us, because morning is our time to be, to enjoy, this space and each other. this moment reminds us why and so i let my fingers reach out and rest on top of yours as the sun touches our skin and we lay back together for as long as this will last.

(i dream this almost every night, always the same thing, always the same person, always these words running inside my head)

choose your own adventure...

do you remember those choose your own adventure books? i loved those books as a kid because i loved to envision myself on crazy adventures doing things i could never imagine in real life. i also liked the fact that i got to decide where to go and what to do. and yes sometimes i would cheat to make sure i wasn't about to fall off a cliff or meet a grizzly bear in a cave with no weapon. i wanted a happy ending. not much has changed, i still want the happy ending. i can't cheat in real life though and so i hold back at times, but not anymore i have decided.

in one year i'm moving to a foreign country for 6 months on an internship. that's a pretty huge adventure and so i have decided this next to have mini adventures constantly. i have the resources and the time so i'm going to do it. this is going to manifest itself in trips mostly but i want it to be other things to relationships, cooking, reading, speaking, everything. this next year seems important, i don't know why yet but it does and so i'm going to make the most of it. places i'm planning on visiting: missouri, texas, colorado, and some place really tropical for my 25th birthday/graduation from graduate school...this is just so far i want to add other trips and adventures to my list. i don't want to forget people this year and i just want to live.

so i am choosing to adventure and i don't get to cheat and i'm ready for what's next...not really but i'm doing it anyways and it is going to be awesome.

a fortune cookie instigated thought

i don't know how to take chances with my heart.

so i don't.

damn.

can you feel my harmony?

grains of salt on hardwood floors
smelling of orange oil to keep their shine
buy they aren't mine
i just rent them to produce
my melody
my rhythm
my flow to you
as the grains stick to the bottom of my feet
how generous of you to dust them off
but you don't
you can't see
me skipping beats
or hear them missing in my words
just part of the conversation
just part of the dance
i don't like this dance
i've been dancing for so long
only know how to shimmy and shake
you aren't a shimmy
or a shake

i need new moves
you need a stronger prescription