Sunday...Wonderful...Sunday...

I'm going to spend it in a coffee shop.
A little me and Jesus time.
A little poetry time.
A little homework time.
The most wonderfulest part is that all of those include me and Jesus time.
My poetry time is Jesus time.
My homework time consists of reading about Jesus and women in the gospel's.
To top it all off...Catalyst...more me and Jesus time and more rejuvenation for my soul.

I broke open my head,
and it is all
spilling out on the the table,
everything fighting for its voice
and to be heard,
begging for the chance to be tangible.

I broke open my heart,
and it is all
spilling out and staining my shirt
with cherry blossoms and fresh cut grass,
fiercely compassionate and brimming with tears.

Screaming at you to see me--
Throwing punches at you so you'll feel me--
Trying to piece myself back together so that maybe you'll love me.

Something is overflowing inside of me. Let's call it peace. Let's call it excitement. Let's call it happiness. Let's call it affirmation. Let's call it love. Let's call it unexpected. Let's call it the future.

My Laundry List

I hate Incubus not because they are a bad band but because they are from a part of my life I don’t inhabit anymore.

I can’t listen to the song “When You Say Nothing At All” because we were going to dance to it our wedding.

I’m not really sure if I like the Decemberists but I feel the need to listen to them this evening and the past few evenings.

I want to be soo very happy for my friends getting married but I am also very jealous (even though I have so many things I want to do before I even think about marriage).

I want to go to you when I have a bad day but I don’t think you would understand why I was going to you and you would just laugh and be awkward.

If you asked me to follow you around the world and love you I would in a heart beat…but I am afraid I am just in love with the idea of who you were and who I was but who are we now?

I wanted to call you tonight and ask you if you still thought about me, but what would that do?
And how would I feel if you said no? And in all reality deep down I want you to think about me and realize what a fool you were…sometimes I’m not a very nice person especially since I would never take you back.

Whenever I see you I want to run to you and have you hold me, even though you have never held me before. It’s a good thing I don’t ever see you then.

Sometimes I still have a hard time facing what I have done and who I have been and I am afraid I will become that person again.

I would love you if you asked me to. I’ll never ask though and neither will you and I’m glad.

I am listening for the soundtrack and the storyline to where I am going. And I like where it is going and I like that I get to help in the creation but I am not the Creator.

I am losing my idea of superman.

A cape and a funny red 'S' can only be held on to for so long,
Fragility becomes present in the wake of reality.

Tear filled phone calls reveal unwanted truths
About a man who's larger then life in these eyes
That so desperately want to hold on
To the superhero.

All around me people are either getting married or having babies.

I'm trying to learn how to be ok with being single in a world where everyone around me is in a relationship.

The scars of flesh mean very little,

in my eyes

when I look at the reflection in the mirror.


Bumps and bruises,
surgeries and tissue damage,
stitches and being sown together.
Creating a mysterious mosaic
that is not as enigmatic as people believe.


My scars are not me
merely a part of the perfect creation
I have been made to be.

words i thought i would never say

I'm a fighter, hard to believe but I am. I don't like to do things I don't like and I don't like it when my perfect little life plan gets messed up. Last time my life plan got messed up it took me two years to recover and I had to move 10 hours away from everything I knew just to regain some sense of who I was and where I was going. This time is not as extreme but God has challenged me with a life plan I had not anticipated.

I am applying to seminary.

I have kicked and screamed against this idea for quite a long time. My father has always wanted me to go to seminary but no I've had to be a rebel (comical if you have ever heard about my birth mom) and go to secular school to get my religious studies degree. When I told my grandma about going to seminary and how it finally just made sense why not go to a Christian school to get my MA in Theology and she said finally. I have been the only one who hasn't been able to see this plan from the beginning. I've been fighting and God has quietly just been saying yes waiting for me to stop fighting. So, I'm applying to Western Seminary in Portland, OR yes my friends Oregon not California. Am I terrified? Yes. Do I think it is what I should do? I have never felt more peace about a decision. Sometimes I'm convinced I get a kick out of moving to cities or doing things where I am going to know absolutely no one. My dad always said he wouldn't ever want to leave Bakersfield because everyone knows him and my grandparents and the Thorp last name. For me this is something I have never wanted. I've always wanted to find my own place in the world and establish my life not based on my families ties but solely on being me and my abilities. I've been doing that and it has been an experience and I have met some amazing people because of it and I have learned so much about myself. The difference this time is that I'm not running away from anything but more like I'm running towards something...I'm not sure yet what I'm running to but it's a future and I'm excited for what it will hold.

....an attempt to be free...

My voice---caught.
In my throat by the beak of the bird
that is captured within my ribcage.

She spreads out her wings
and feathers
tickle
my insides
and
brush my inner skin
as she remembers what it was like
to be free

Free to move and sing
not locked in place by who
SHE believes she has to be
but allowed to be who she has the potential to be.

i'm coming back to write soon i promise.
life has been wild.
last semester at humboldt state.
i moved into a new house up here.
i have no idea what i am going to do with my future.
i am looking at seminaries.
i desire to be loved.
i desire more than ever to find God in my life.

crazy little day...

I always want to have something insightful to say

and so today I'll say that I am loved

and hope that it's enough

<3

procrastination changed my life...

Tonight I read the book, Acts of Faith: The Story of an American Muslim, the Struggle for the Soul of a Generation by Eboo Patel and it changed my life.

I had an epiphany about my life and about what I have been doing with my life. Everything all of a sudden culminated in one thing in this book. And in something my grandmother said to me that I didn't think much about until I read this book. There is more thinking to be done on this. More conversations that need to take place. Conversations with my grandma and my mom. With Cindy and with Gelayol. And most likely with you if you read this.

I've got to finish finals stuff but I had an epiphany and so I needed to start thinking out loud....more thinking coming soon....more poetry as well, there is a lot brewing in my soul I just need to sit down and let it out.

Read Eboo Patel's book....

Welcome to my Soul

Do you ever hit a point in life when you realize you do what you are talking about and that you are smart?

I'm finally there in my life!


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Why not just apply and let fate decide?
Why limit yourself when you aren't even in charge?

Good point...maybe because I'm scared....


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Sometimes I wish I was Jewish because of how amazing they are

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I believe that we live in a myth of imperfection. We believe we aren't perfect. We've been told repeatedly we aren't perfect. I've come to believe it is a lie.

You are perfect because you were created by the definition of perfection. You don't believe me ask God or ask Rabbi Naomi (she's one of my heroes I've decided)

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My grandfather has diabetes and has an infection in the bone in foot...
This terrifies me...
My mom said he and my grandmother were in good spirits (they are two of my heroes as well)

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I feel blessed by so many people right now and they don't even know it
I think I will tell them

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To give someone affection is to bless them with something indescribable
I'm not kidding it is a proven scientific fact...I learned it today at school
Although I already knew affection was essential to life

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I'm looking for God outside of Christianity
In the hard places
In other religions
In being female
In feminist theology

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Welcome to my Soul

Highlights from thanksgiving week with my family coming soon :)

ponderings of this school week...

"God/dess" Karen Harris

"Divinity resides in the moments where our senses are completely open--it is our openness of perception that makes every moment divine" Hindu Tantra

"All pleasure is essentially spiritual--it creates a new world beauty" Mysticism and Madness

"Desire in the service of enlightenment" Kashmirshavism

"...to have the courage to cultivate a society that can live with its own flagrant contradictions." (271) The Ornament of the World by Maria Rosa Menocal

"Athens has nothing to do with Jerusalem" or "Athens has everything to do with Jerusalem"

"When everything else falls away the music comes in to keep me company in stuffy silence..." Me

laughter.

release.

the outward expression
of inward elatious joy,
raised to the magnitude
of the precision of happiness,
carried on the breath
of the lotus flower
that is passed,
from Creator to creation
with the purpose
of simple and refined delight,
in spite of the cloud cover of sadness
as we are beckoned just to smile.

November 6, 2007

My dad and my step-mom have been married for 14 years today.

What this means:
-They have been married for 14 years (duh)
-I have had a wonderful woman to call my mother for 14 years
-We have been a family for 14 years
-I've known God is real for 14 years

What a wonderful day...

sleep?

I have mini panic attacks whenever i try and sleep because my mind starts to think about the future and grad school and having to start over with the whole friendship thing. I have got to figure out what I am going to do.

mmmm....november....

So, God and I haven't been communicating recently. A more truthful way to say that would be I haven't be listening because I know God's talking I'm just not sure where I am. Well I know where I am I'm a little dead currently. I'm finding nothing and it sucks because I have a deep passion for what I believe and I can talk for hours about it and be extremely passionate and that's great but right know I'm dead. I need something new. I need something fresh. I need God apart from my passion and with my passion because God is my passion. One thing my professors always say about my papers is that they can feel my passion about who I am and what I believe. I love that!! I want people to know my passion!! Right now I'm in a rut though, and I need something more I'm not moving forward. I'm not going anywhere; I'm pretty sure I'm walking in a circle because I think I'm seen that tree before. I need to find something to not necessarily restart my faith, because it's there I feel it, but I need something to get it moving again. I need a push because I'm here but I'm just idling and for some reason I can't find drive (sorry for the car analogy but it works).


So, there's the beginning of November. Maybe something new? I'm pretty sure November is Swedish for new....or maybe I just need it to be...

forward....

forward...

forward...

pushed on
by inspiration
of divine proportions
--listening--
for the voice
that comes from within
and around
carried on the wind
through creation
in search of my ear
that is idly blocked
by melodies
of aesthetically pleasing sounds
that tickle and tantalize
working with the divine
to create
something
worth
knowing

October 23, 2007