i live in new zealand.

just an awesome treehouse at camp

my flatemate lex in the distance you can see the south island

the waikanae coast

beautiful flowers

i live in waikanae, new zealand and i am starting a discipleship program at this camp. i don't know exactly what is going to happen or what is going to come of this but i am extremely excited.

summer memories/realities

greetings,

from children running through sweet pea fields

getting caught on hidden blackberry bushes

the thorns gouging deep

and tangling on summer skin

too busy to stop and tend the wounds,

the blood leaving a trail

in case we want to go back

but even if we do,

we won't go back the same way

you can never go back the same way,

we aren't those children,

the field will be gone,

and we'll come back slower.

why is the sky so much bigger here?

anywhere else it would be a normal sunny day,

but here,

with you,

it is epic and life changing

making it easy to remember

lavender scented memories

and sea salt in my hair.

oh yeah.

i live in new zealand right now. yup. it is wednesday at 10:03pm and it is most likely 2:03am on wednesday where you are. but yeah. i live in waikanae, new zealand for the next 7 months. pictures and plans and poems to follow.

he's coming to visit on monday.

i love him.

things september has brought and will bring.

september has brought me away from portland and back to bakersfield. which has been interesting to say the least. i miss portland. i miss everything about it. the way it felt to be in my room and my home. my roommate. my cat and the neighbor's kitten who decided to befriend me. i miss my community. i miss random dance parties and coffee shops. and i miss my man...a lot. i could keep going but that would just get depressing. bakersfield has my family and a few friends which is good.

the drive to bakersfield brought me to two awesome days with my dear friend caitlin. my soul needed some time with her and it was absolutely refreshing and wonderful.
september has brought trials to my heart and to my sanity. but it has also brought a lot of encouragement from those i love and lots of prayer and honesty from me.

september has brought some awesome music:
Jenny and Johnny - full length album for free, get it now (my fav: apple blossom).
Portugal. The Man : daytrotter Session goodness (my fav: people say).
The Holy Ghost Tent Revival : daytrotter session of bluegrass i didn't know i needed (my fav: hammer fell).
Brooke Waggoner: daytrotter session of awesome pianoness (my fav: beaut).
Lost in the Tress: daytrotter session i'm liking more every time i hear it (my fav: artist's song).
Sam Quinn: daytrotter session that once again gets better ever time (my fav: oceans).
and last but not least: The Tree Ring Record an awesome music group and an awesome opportunity to be a part of something musical and beautiful...do it trust me your ears will thank you.

september has also brought a new favorite website, a softer world dark humor comics, horribly funny as jesse put it. my fav #490

what september still has left to bring you ask?
hopefully more amazing music. more time with the fam. more time with my california friends. hopefully getting to go to a friends wedding. painting. preparing. a visit from my love on the 27th. packing. lots of prayer.


after this is october 1st and at 11pm i leave for new zealand and then who knows, 7 months on the other side of the world. bring it on.

"i used to hate cheesy and then i fell in love" -caitlin
a fantastic quote by one of my favorite people.
there is a lot going on life, more on that later.

someday, i will have a room full of windows that gets sunshine during every part of the day and it will be a space where i can paint and write and listen to music loudly.

someday.

on growing up.

i don't ever want him to grow up.

she's not allowed to either.

then again....we almost drove into a river and slept in rachael's car

and we didn't wear shoes for 5 hours while walking around a fair...and we're considered grown up....so maybe growing up is ok.

it feels like swimming.

june came and went in such a flurry i lost sight of the sunrise and the sunset and i only seemed to be able to see the glory of the day in all it's terror and rain because the sun only shone enough to count it on your finger tips. i didn't mind. except when i did, when i decided i was going to pull out all my hair because i just wanted to see the sun. but that would last for only a moment because i get distracted easily and luckily for me i have a great distraction. falling in love. not so much a distraction but something that was and is happening to my life. not falling in love with how i feel, although it is nice. not falling in love with how nice it is to be with someone, even though it is quite nice. but falling in love with a person. because they are them and they are amazing. realizing that to love someone means to love them not love anything else. it means being able to say i love you and be ok with not hearing it back because you aren't saying it to hear it said back, but you are saying it because the person you love is so amazing you have to tell them. because the person you love you are finally seeing for the first time not through the lens of your feelings but for who they are, for what makes them...them. all the oddities and beauties and things that only you see because you have been brought into the bounty of their life and have been trusted with secrets and pains and joys. it feels like gently floating underwater. slightly light headed from the lack of oxygen but with a peace that only comes with swimming.

mother.

that's my good looking mama. we don't look anything alike, probably because she didn't give birth to me. minor detail in the grand scheme of things. she's my mom. she's amazing. she has loved me and cared for me more then i could have ever asked for. and i love her. i wouldn't want it any other way. i'm pretty freaking lucky, and so happy mother's day mom.

one step closer

learning how to be ok

that tomorrow is a mystery

too hard to talk about

too soon to contemplate

except in quiet moments when i am alone

and dream

of future things i keep in my heart

as the months draw to ends

and then beginnings all over again,

but always towards a moment

a point

too far off

today

yet still closer tomorrow

and soon tomorrow will be today

and it will be one step closer

my breath will catch for a little bit longer

as i hold my questions

my fears

my dreams,

so for now i have today

and i have to live in today

if i'm ever going to make it out sane

monday's plan.

i graduate on saturday.

it is supposed to be 75 degrees on monday, so when i get off work at noon i'm grabbing a blanket, a picnic, a camera, and a book and i'm going to lay in a park. and i'm not going to have to worry about homework and i'm just going to sit and enjoy.

for now though back to eschatology.

unexpected goodness.

we have random dance parties. get lost for hours and never mind. have yet to have a successful hike, waterfalls don't like us. drive backwards down a snow-covered mountainside. create roads in the snow using flip-flops. we drink good beer and wine. we dream of adventures. and go shopping for western boot. western boots we plan on wearing on road trips. we laugh uncontrollably. drink lots of coffee and lots and lots of coffee. and sometimes we just sit next to each other. quietly enjoying one anothers company. or we take walks in the sunshine hand in hand. and kiss in the rain. in the snow. and in the moments when everything could wrong and it goes right. we plan on learning to surf. to live simply. and ride bikes everywhere. we cook one night a week laughing in the kitchen. we have this moment and we'll take it. i'm keeping him forever. and he's keeping me.

"we care more about your life, and that you are living it well, then about a piece of paper"

thank you dad. i needed that.

and so i write and paint.

i don't have an internship. i don't know what i am going to do with my future. i'm scared as hell. so i write poetry and paint and i spend time with a boy who makes my heart light.

-------

"life mingling"

would you grip a falling leaf

in fear of a seasons change

as it slips through your fingers

demanding you to move forward

with the risks,

and the pain of changing,

tied closely with loving?

white knuckled holding on

to the blossoms as they burst

through the cracks between your fingers,

neither obstinance,

nor fear,

holding them back

as you shake your fist,

full of promises of new life,

back at the tree from which they came.

you know neither the shade,

nor the fruit,

as you miss the possibilities

in favor of the facts.

but what if,

for a moment,

a blossom was a promise,

and what if,

for a moment,

a fallen leaf was a life

of unexpected and unplanned living?

there can be no anger,

you, yourself were unexpected,

unplanned,

not part of the 5-year course on life-map making

but things change,

and lives grow,

to fit the changing season,

being able to do nothing more

than breath

and hold on tight

to the life mingling with yours.

resting lightly

rumors of another world

a slice of life

and a fresh cup of coffee

next to your sweet side

with your hand

resting lightly on my thigh

not noticing my eyes

gazing at you

as you gaze at the sky

and speak

in a language all your own

with topics that i don't dream of

that you only dream in

filling the space with possibilities

as you move from one topic to the next

while i jump in and join you

in your world

in your head

and liking the view from where i am sitting

enjoying the coffee

the talk of adventures

and the feel of your hand on my thigh

springy sounds

She & Him have a new album out and to me they sound the way spring is supposed to sound and feel, so i am very excited at the arrival of this album AND there is this phenomenal site that lets you download it for free!!! what????!!! just click on the link and enjoy :)

until.

keep talking about forever

though i can't handle the dream

my heart aches at your touch

and at the softness of your eyes

don't tell me what you noticed

my green eyes

my jeans and bare feet

because i will say forever

and i will wait

across the distance

and through the time that it'll take

to get me back to you

so keep telling me forever

and i'll keep dreaming with you

again and again.

as you drink poison

you kill your enemy

but i drink no poison

and you are no enemy

but a pariah i seem

an infection has infiltrated my heart

a disease with no cure

except my expulsion

from your presence

your heart

and our friendship

i sink in my confusion

but not in regret

the cure is not attractive

or understandable

to you and your sensibilities

but there is no other answer

then the hand i now hold

blindsided?

maybe

inevitable?

always

so here is your time

and space

don't be what i fear

because my choice will not change

i would chose this disease

again

and again

and again

and so would you

movement.

i wonder if i am unlovable?

if my dreams

are only big enough for one?

packing my bags,

making my plans,

with only me in mind.

have i dreamt to small,

to include another?

but all it took

was one moment,

one second of honesty

with myself and with you,

to let myself feel what i feel

and let my words

break down my own walls

that you had slowly begun to chisel

that i had slowly allowed to crack

so that my heart could make an escape

and i could remember how to breath.

you teaching me to live

taking my hand

for whatever may come

nothing has changed

but nothing will ever be the same.

love.

i am loving life right now.

nothing has changed and yet everything has changed.

luckily the happiness is out weighing the fear.

tonight i needed this.

Disturb us, Lord, when

We are too pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true

Because we dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when

with the abundance of thing we possess

We have lost out thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heave to dim.

Disturb us, Lord. to dare more boldly,

To venture on wilder seas

Where storms will show Your mastery;

Where losing sight of land,

We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back

The horizons of our hopes;

And to push back the future

In strength, courage, hope, and love.

-Sir Francis Drake

working it out poetry style.

:take it back:

a dream is a wish your heart makes?

allow me to vomit on the very thought

i dream of goodbyes

of past loves

of loves never had.

a dream?

HA!!

a nightmare.

my mind want me to believe it is a dream,

my deepest fears at center stage.

losing those i love,

or want to love,

or never being loved at all.

cinderella can take back her song

and her happy ending dream,

because i don't live in a fairy tale,

and princes don't right on horseback,

or come into the save day.

and this screams of bitterness,

and i may be a strong independent woman,

but that doesn't mean a thing,

i want a happy ending

like any girl in a frilly dress

with stars in her eyes.

because i need to average out

my hello's with my goodbye's

and figure this out,

because i have to live this.

day dreams and wishes my heart make

only carry me so far.

but is there any cure?

any other answer to this bitterness?

but to dream...

to hope...

----------------------------------------------------

:something had to remain:

all that stands is an empty chimney

allowing the wind a place to sing

it's somber

chilling song

whipping pieces of ashen firewood

down and around

echoing its tale

of life and death

and nothing more

carrying the message

of existence in its expanse

----------------------------------------------------

:silence of no:

i never expected you to say yes

but i wasn't anticipating a no

or should i say

a lack of response,

so many of these words

i spout off are about you

perhaps now they'll cease

now that you've finally let me know

by your silence.

the silence of no,

the ending no,

the no that will resound forever

in the space i cleared for you,

in the cracks you created.

-------------------------------------------------

:24 years late:

You have never told me truth

but live life as if no one else matters

am i any different,

from the man at the corner liquor store

that you should owe me anything?

any effort

is 24 years too late,

yet still,

the pain lingers,

when i should expect nothing

because i have been given nothing,

i expect something.

even just a small acknowledgement

that i matter...

because i do matter

i matter to the people who matter.

i matter to the woman who took your place,

she stepped in

and loved me

with a love you will never understand

a love you could never grasp

a love i don't even understand,

to love like that you have to give something up,

and you never will

you will just be a woman

a woman 24 years too late.

--------------------------------------

:on beauty:

beauty is carried

in a raised head

in eye that look at the horizon

not at their owners feet

is it not better to suffer the pain of falling,

then to lose the beauty of the sky?

substitute sunshine.

so i am absolutely sick of the dark weather. i don't mind rain but the darkness is getting to me. so i am being inventive and find things that can be substitute sunshine.

1. time with friends

2. an almond soy latte from love cup

3. April Smith and the Great Picture Show

4. writing poetry

too coward.

you'll never know

as i say

you

you

you

stealthily hidden

behind phrases

that only mean you

to me

because to me

you are that smile

and that song

you are that fit of anger

that rush of joy,

the pit of my stomach lurches

hoping you'll realize

hoping you'll read between my lines

between my lies,

but i am too coward

to do anything but hope

because the far corners of the globe

are calling my name

and i'm pointing to countries

like they are dreams

hopes, adventures

the places i'll call home

the places i'll leave my mark

still shouting

you

you

you

just in different languages

from different time zones

finding new words

being inspired by new surroundings,

but still bringing it back

to you

until my heart breaks with the effort

of painting on my smile

until i strip it all away

and plainly say

with one word

to your face

to your smile

to your anger

to your joy

to your song

you.

and they would call that home.

it would have been a VW bus

with a bed in the back

and a pass for all the national parks

and they would call that home.

it would be a shack

with a dirt floor

and running water only on wednesdays

and they would call that home.

it would be a high-rise

and they wouldn't know their neighbors

and she would wear heals and he a suit

and they would call that home.

it would be on the back of a motorcycle

and they would each be running from something

and when they ran outta gas

they would call that home.

it would have a picket fence

a garden full of flowers

a view of the ocean and a place to dance

and they would call that home.

it would all be able to fit in a suitcase

because in the end

they would have no other choice

and they would call that home.

Instead of You and Me

When you started using we instead of I

The whole world took notice

But that wasn’t the only secret

There were others that summer too.

Dotted like stars

In the dry sunshine scented evenings,

Charmed by the river

As it glided lazily under our feet

Longing to be swept in its current

Just so we could save each other from eminent death,

But our eye never met.

In every word exchanged in lust and love

We gazed past each other

We gazed through each other,

It was easier,

Less traumatic,

If our souls didn’t meet through our irises

It would be easier to say goodbye,

But we got lost in the curves of one another’s bodies

Not needing our eyes to meet

When our hearts had made prior arrangements

Arrangements to love one another

To sit for long afternoons discussing us

Instead of me and you.

lingering long

the jukebox glowed pale green light

a prayer in 4/4-time

pounding against their chests

a backdrop of foamy beer and peanut shells

bodies touch unexpectedly

and without care

sweaty and flushed

thoughts lost in moving flesh

hips brush together

as lips meet

quick and subtle

fingers knotted in loose strands of hair

nothing lasts but the heat

and a passionate sway

that lingers in steps

long after the night

daughter to father

before you knew my name,

my laugh,

my brown hair and green eyes,

you wanted me.

before you knew my failures,

my shortcomings,

and the times i would disappoint,

you fought for me.

before you knew my triumphs,

my goals,

and my dreams,

you kept me.

you didn't have to.

it wasn't your "job"

but you broke the mold.

thank you,

for being unexpected,

for being who i needed you to be,

for staying,

and wanting me to stay with you.

praise and pleas

a faint song echoes

off vaulted ceilings

bouncing off the giant pillars

remembering every word

seeing every glance

thrown in plea and praise

marking the building

with the worshippers

the reside within

gently pulling their spirits

into a posture of remembrance

with a solidarity

only available among misfits

eternity in front of us

the path through the cross

the road marked by ominous beats

accompanied before

and followed after

in quietness and silence

we will be led

and in joyful we follow

never again the same

a glance behind

we wish to give

for fear

of who and what we will miss

not willing to see what we will miss ahead

and yet the beats still echo

and bounce

their way back to us

remembering our praise

remembering our pleas

until we can see our future

2010

i talk a big game but i am terrified of 2010.

i loved 2009. i started to actually live and i met some amazing people that i will forever hold in my heart. some friendships began to wane and that is ok, not bad just something that happened with time. i had amazing adventures that i still break into laughter when i think about. i have changed in countless ways.

but 2009 started out uncertain and so i can't forget that.

the only things certain about 2010: 4 more months in portland, a trip to texas, graduation in april, summer in bakersfield (should be interesting), the beginning of my internship in some part of europe. it seems like so few things but my life is never that neat and tidy. there is always something waiting on the horizon, much of it my own doing because i have a hard time sitting still.

not siting still has brought me thus far. and so here is to not sitting still, to adventure, to the unknown, to the messes i get myself into, and to the people who follow me into them...oh 2010 i feel our relationship will be one to remember.

i like that in all of my homework i get to explore God.

i like that i am awe inspired sometimes.

i like that sometimes my eyes fill with tears when i think about the unbelieveabilty of His love for me.

i like that it feels new and fresh every time.

a break from paper writing...

"If someone is inspired, which means that life has been breathed into them, then somebody else had life breathed out of them."

-Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell and Dan Golden

i am so thankful for the things that breathe life into me.

sunny winter mornings...

happiness is....

a frightened rabbit daytrotter session.

enjoy.

2 weeks.

2 weeks of stress ahead of me. papers and papers and take home tests and doctrine statements and more papers. but then vacation and i cannot wait. this is my last fall semester. woot! i applied for graduation today, it feels weird to already be here almost done but i'm ready.

i'm ready to move on with my life. i'm ready to be done with school. i'm ready for austria. i'm ready for working in a coffee shop in a foreign country and doing ministry. i'm ready to figure out how and where i can do that in the states.

i'm ready.

not mine.

what does it mean to say forever?

to promise something that isn't yours.

on the backdrop of the past,

failures

triumphs

fears.

when this is all there is,

the etchings and the scars.

so why is a name impressed on each one?

honesty.

i need to learn the power of words and how to speak up for myself. i won't be caught in a cycle of abuse ever again. because i know i have worth and i will no longer let anyone take that truth from me.

honesty.

silence.

words.

new beginnings.

truth.

life.

good song.

Two Are One by Dri

Who's in your heart's

not always who's in your bed

You go looking for love

and find a lover there instead

So you hold them like you'd hold the hold the one you love

until it starts to feel like the two are one

Two are one

Who's in your bed's

not always who's in your heart

Some nights I'll pretend like I can't tell them apart

But then I sleep through the dark

with my eyes wide open

and my dreams lay our against the ceiling

and in every scene, it's you with me

and not this lover who lays beside me

like a rag team

in a movie

Who's in your heart's

not always who's in your bed

The night has a way of making you forget

that if the one you love's not the one you're loving

all our loving will amount to nothing

so I take off running and try to catch you

There's so many things I have to tell you

I wake up

and then I wake up

less periphery.

i feel distant from things i want to feel close to. i feel distant from people i have always wanted to love but have never figured out how more than an email here or there or an occasional care package. i try to like the telephone but i just don't. i like the people in my life i just wish there were some people who were in it more often and less periphery. what happens when i leave the country?

it's hard to see us sinking when we are light enough to float...

currently.

reading

dancing.

writing.

concert going.

embroidering.

laughing.

playing.

searching for God.

searching for a european country to call home.

wordlessly expressing.

longing

more laughing.

traveling.

thinking about traveling.

singing.

drinking tea.

fall sunshine.

our fall is cloudy in portland and this is a little bit of sunshine.

Suzie Johannes

last night i went to a show a local coffee house. there was an eating contest that consisted of one man eating a jelly roll and another one eating a lightbulb (i'm not kidding he at a lightbulb, he's a circus performer so that makes it normal, right? right.). there was also some awesome hip hop artists free styling and they wore cardigans and they talked a lot about Jesus and it was good. there was also some amazing poetry that brought tears to my eyes. there was also this wonderful musician kelli schaefer her music was phenomenal, you should listen to her song "carry us over".

rosie thomas.

i'm gonna drive over hills

over mountains and canyons

and boys that keep bringing me down

i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine

drink good wine in vineyards

and get asked to dance

i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by

never ever again.

time for some poems that have been living in the margins of my life...

"for a chance"

these breaths are on lease

until the air is cleaner

and this silence is on loan

until the music meets the words

balanced precariously

between fingertips

dipped in honey

sticky with pleasure

forbidden

deadly

everything i'm not

but everything i would be

will be

for a chance

at living

where the wind moves easily

in and out of my lungs

and i can sing a song

with words only used

by romance novelists or sailors.

-------------------------------------------

"clarity"

clarity fades in the shade of august

when words lose their meaning

as they are carelessly spoken

under skies being over taken by fall

the worries of winter cloud

the easy rhythm of life

sustained through summer

but teetering on the edge of losing it

one breath away from a warning

one sigh away from revealing

all wrapped up in the falling leaves

ice won't be clinking inside glasses much longer

as red wine takes it place

warming the space inside left by the sun

while an indecisive winter

causes bending of wills

unsure motives leading to unsure decisions

truth lost somewhere in the mist

----------------------------------------

"netting"

catching stars in nets

sewn together by my dreams of you

and boozed soaked melodies

that float

and lift

my loose strands of hair

coming undone as i reach for something

because sky scrapers block my view

only my net grazes the infinite

only my dreams are able to break through

my self is blocked in

and suffocating

-----------------------------

"she likes"

she likes the way he doesn't fear

her intelligence and wit,

playing into the jokes she tells

when she can't stop laughing at herself.

she likes the fact she can be herself

tattered, abused, used, learning how to be joyful.

he carries patches and mends

the places she doesn't see

and the ones she still tries to hide.

in this tangled dance

no one really knowing the steps,

only knowing they like where this is going

because she likes his eyes on her,

and he like to look.

as they move to the beats

she runs,

hand in hand with him

while he twirls her through the steps.

thank you.

i have to break a friends heart tomorrow. i have to admit that my actions at times were misleading. i'm learning how to be friends with boys and sadly someone has to be a guinea pig, i'm sorry you are going to get hurt because of me. i've never had to do this before and it sucks. and i'm afraid we'll never be friends the same way again. and you knew everything, all my shit was laid on the table and you didn't run away. people keep asking why i don't feel for you and i don't really know, there is just something missing. there is something missing, the key thing i would need to know that you are more then just my friend. i made some mistakes and tomorrow i have to face up to them and i'm sorry.

but i also need to say thank you. God has been teaching me that i am not my past and i have been trying to learn this lesson. he has been showing me that my bad decisions are not me and that i am enough for him. God has been showing me the love he has for me through the Son even though i have fallen so far so many times. and that is why i need to say thank you. thank you for showing me that someone could still want to be with me even after they know everything. thank you for not being afraid of my failures and for not being afraid for my baggage. thank you for showing me that i am good enough and that i can be loved and that someone can want me.

i don't think i realized how fast i have been holding to the lie that i am not enough, and the lie that no one could love me once they really know me. i have made that lie truth so many times that i couldn't tell the difference anymore. i have believed that happiness wasn't meant for me and that i had my chance and i screwed it up. but i haven't missed my chance. and i do deserve happiness. and i need to let people know me, really know me.

so, i'm sorry i have to hurt you tomorrow.

but, thank you for showing me i can show people the real me and i can still be loved.

thank you for showing me i am good enough.

thank you for not even realizing that God was using you to expose the lie i've been living.

thank you.

i hope you can be my friend again, someday.

Take It Back

A dream is a wish your heart makes?

Allow me to vomit on the very thought.

I dream of goodbyes

Of past loves

Of loves never had.

A dream?

Ha!

A nightmare.

My mind wants me to believe it is a dream,

My deepest fears at center stage,

Losing those I love,

Or want to love,

Or never being loved at all.

Cinderella can take back her song

And her happy ending dream

Because I don't live in a fairy tale,

And princes don't ride on horseback,

Or come in to save the day.

And this screams of bitterness,

And I may be a strong independent woman,

But that doesn't mean a thing,

I want a happy ending

Like any girl in a frilly dress

With stars still in her eyes.

Because I need to average out

My hello's with my goodbye's

But I have to figure this out

Because I have to live this

Day dreams and wishes my heart make

Only carry me so far.

But is there any other cure?

Any other answer to this bitterness?

But to dream.

To hope.

there are some people i will never fully let go of. i still carry you with me. my backup, no. my wish, maybe. i feel like i never really got an answer. but i don't know how to ask the right question now, with so much time and space between. perhaps someday i'll know. or maybe i'll forever carry a torch for you. or at least for who you were and where we were and who i was.

september feels fine.

and i mean real fine. this month has started off wonderful. back in classes and loving it amid all the stress. we are talking about the doctrine of humanity in theology and that has got to be one of the most fascinating things ever to me. exploring what it means to be human to be the imago Dei, the image of God. for me this has always been a very prominent question in my life and i know that it steams from being a woman and now even more so being confronted with the realities that i am not seen as an equal. thinking about what it means to be human changes so many other things in my life and in my theology. and. i. love. it. this month is also the tail end of all of the summer festivals and street fairs and summer concerts and so it is a busy month with things to do and people to see and life to enjoy and experience. goodness is abounding. new friendships. possibilities. i really like september. new favorite month. maybe always favorite month. fall. how i love thee.

The Lonely Brunette

she is a woman,

with long brown hair,

not the prettiest,

but beautiful in her own way.

she captures eyes

in a way she doesn't understand,

never one she wants

instead?

the bad boy.

the unmotivated.

the manipulative.

judgement?

inevitable.

the brunette doesn't even raise her eyes

as the crowds cry out,

tearing their hair,

gnashing their teeth,

she knows she's guilty

she's always known.

she doesn't ask for your pity,

this is simply her story,

her past,

her carry-on baggage.

she has learned to carry it,

so don't shame her,

she hasn't asked you to help,

she hasn't even asked you to care,

so pass your judgement

from safe inside your religious prison,

not knowing her past,

or her present,

or what brought her to this point

of disheveled nakedness.

but slowly the crowds silence,

and she allows her irises to wander

no further then her lashes,

and she sees him.

a man,

a little older and clearly a teacher,

but there's something different,

something he commands

simply by his presence.

one in the crowd brave enough,

asks for him to pass judgement,

asks for her death,

she hears nothing,

no response.

and she wonders

how long it will hurt,

how long till its over,

but she feels no pain;

and so she raises her head.

he's staring at her,

not at her nakedness,

something more intimate,

deeper then what the crowds saw,

but there are no more crowds,

they are alone,

but she is not afraid.

in a voice,

filled with ancient strength,

filling her with fear and reverence,

he says,

"leave your life,

follow my teachings,

my life,

my love,

and you will see and know,

but you have to choose."

and so she is left with a choice,

everything else has been stripped away,

she knows her next step,

now she must take it.

the approach of fall brings with it cloudy saturdays and a renewed love of oolong tea and water color paintings and dawn landes and angus and julia stone ringing in my ears...this is going to be a good fall...

home is where....

your family is.

your bed is.

your friends are.

you have signed a one year lease.

your favorite coffee shop is.

someone is always there to greet you at the airport.

people will house sit for you even though your cat peed on them.

you get pictures drawn for you by sweet siblings.

someone sits next to you just because they love you.

your favorite pair of shoes always end up where you didn't leave them.

your cat plays fetch.

the people you love are.

you live.

you visit.

reoccurring dream

cups of coffee steam, fresh on the dewy grass as i wait for your arrival to our place. you already smell of coffee, and last nights sleep still clings to your eyelashes as i watch your approach. sleek as a fox with your slender steps, measured, careful in your arrival as you think my eyes are averted towards the sun, willing its warmth to dry the grass. but i see you, and i enjoy watching you watch me, behind my sunglasses and my hair, carelessly piled in misdirection, asking you to touch and run your hands through. your hand grazes the tips of my hair as you sit taking the coffee i hand you. no words pass between us, because morning is our time to be, to enjoy, this space and each other. this moment reminds us why and so i let my fingers reach out and rest on top of yours as the sun touches our skin and we lay back together for as long as this will last.

(i dream this almost every night, always the same thing, always the same person, always these words running inside my head)

choose your own adventure...

do you remember those choose your own adventure books? i loved those books as a kid because i loved to envision myself on crazy adventures doing things i could never imagine in real life. i also liked the fact that i got to decide where to go and what to do. and yes sometimes i would cheat to make sure i wasn't about to fall off a cliff or meet a grizzly bear in a cave with no weapon. i wanted a happy ending. not much has changed, i still want the happy ending. i can't cheat in real life though and so i hold back at times, but not anymore i have decided.

in one year i'm moving to a foreign country for 6 months on an internship. that's a pretty huge adventure and so i have decided this next to have mini adventures constantly. i have the resources and the time so i'm going to do it. this is going to manifest itself in trips mostly but i want it to be other things to relationships, cooking, reading, speaking, everything. this next year seems important, i don't know why yet but it does and so i'm going to make the most of it. places i'm planning on visiting: missouri, texas, colorado, and some place really tropical for my 25th birthday/graduation from graduate school...this is just so far i want to add other trips and adventures to my list. i don't want to forget people this year and i just want to live.

so i am choosing to adventure and i don't get to cheat and i'm ready for what's next...not really but i'm doing it anyways and it is going to be awesome.

a fortune cookie instigated thought

i don't know how to take chances with my heart.

so i don't.

damn.

can you feel my harmony?

grains of salt on hardwood floors
smelling of orange oil to keep their shine
buy they aren't mine
i just rent them to produce
my melody
my rhythm
my flow to you
as the grains stick to the bottom of my feet
how generous of you to dust them off
but you don't
you can't see
me skipping beats
or hear them missing in my words
just part of the conversation
just part of the dance
i don't like this dance
i've been dancing for so long
only know how to shimmy and shake
you aren't a shimmy
or a shake

i need new moves
you need a stronger prescription

too private

prayers for protection

prayers for peace

prayers for seamless dreams

prayers for an answer to a question

a question only asked right before sleep

too private

too vulnerable

given a cryptic answer

(who am i to blame? i did ask)

a feeling

a sense

a touch

a moment

not sure what to expect

now

now that i've asked

now that i've dreamed

where my eyes and my smile meet

i've been chewing on the corner of my mouth

accepting the situation

with mild curiosity

feigning uninterested eyes

so you can't see

the desire

in the creases of my eyes

in the smile i'm attempting to cover up

in my playful touch

i'm just a friend

i don't know how to be anything else

giving sideways glances

always from a distance

how can i show you,

without showing you anything?

...summer of color...

fresh blueberries and strawberries that are so fine your mouth can't handle it.

i love going fruit picking.

mt. saint helen's one of the mountains i get to see most days it is clear and beautiful.

i hiked up this without injuring myself or anyone else(this was just the last mile)

from the top you could see the ocean.

clover is my favorite ever.

ellen and i with a lovely lady at the tippy canoe.

butterflies like lavender. 

i like lavender too.

mmm...raspberries...

the rose gardens in bloom, quite amazing.

trying...

i love sitting across from you over sunday night drinks. discussing openly and honestly your frustration with girls and how you see us. complaining that we never go for the good guys, even when we say that is what we want. all the while i stare at you and laugh knowing that i like a good guy and yet he is oblivious, most likely just not interested, and tells me i do not want a good guy when i want him.  the problem is not the good guy or his lack to act but my lack. i am not that good of a girl. how can i possibly deserve a good guy like you? so i'll just laugh at your jokes and feel my stomach flutter at your hugs but stay silent because you are a good guy who is not interested and i'm a girl trying to be good and trying to deserve a good guy...trying to appeal to you.

so she hopes

ripped apart

tossed aside

wretched desires fondle her heart

delightful to the touch

wicked in the aftermath

pieces no longer attached

scattered by breezes

from ruffled sheets and disheveled clothing

no longer worthy for you

in her own eyes

not able to see herself

apart from who she was

trying to see herself

in light of who she is

if you are worth it

you'll stay

and help carry everything she holds

so she hopes

on the promise of a new day

that you exist

and that you can love her

in a way that is real

that is worth more

then what she has given away

sometimes you are awake 

to watch the sunrise

and sometimes

the rising sun wakes you

casting new possibilities

across your resting body

singing directly to your heart

the hope found only in your fingertips

before they have touched anything

except your dreams

found neither here nor there

but somewhere completely unknown

a place for you as you pas

between moments outside of time 

only brought back

by the biding of the sun...

i don't think about you....much

my thought are preoccupied

by melodies and plot lines

and the sound of my own laughter

instigated by life in the big city

and a new set of eyes

looking amused

and confused

by who i am

not sure how this works 

how to check my vibe

inspired all the while

by laughter and a good beer

to think of you less.....and less

she just wants some hand holding

hip swinging days

a west coast girl

may not want a happy ending

a nap on your chest

is enough for a summer day

cool breezes off the river

temper dreamy thoughts

she loves you so easy

her love complicates

the easy friendship

of double jointed ligaments

and mixed drinks on back decks

I would never have to wear shoes again...

Something I think I want to do with my life (or at least something similar):

Not For Sale is an organization I have been researching but more importantly have began loving and really think I want to be a part of. This picture is one of a lovely woman name Lucy and she runs a house on the coast of Peru where street kids can live and get education, health care, stability, a family, value, arts, and surfing.  She gives these kids a chance and a future. (you can read her whole story on the website) I've realized that I want to do this. If not exactly this then something very much like it. I want to love and I want to give children a chance who wouldn't have one before. I know I won't be doing this alone, but who will be doing it with me is still up in the air. This plan is about 2 years away there's time to plan but not plan too much because planning never works really. I'm excited. The possibilities are there and I want them to be real.

Some first steps: learn how to surf better, contact lucy and the not for sale people, figure out if not in Peru then where, get other people excited for this as well.

failing passionately

love is neatly drawn

with fine pencil lines

that drip with reality as they mix and cross

over yours and mine

unrequited...

passionate disaster...

true...

forbidden...

sex...

desire...

the list continues

at an alarming rate

as this love contains it all

and not of it

detailing out the end

before there is ever a beginning

setting up for destruction

because it is more passionate to fail

than to succeed

May is Gone

Yesterday, I cried a lot.

Yesterday, I slept a lot.

All of it was good though because this past week was amazing. I get to spend time with friends in really sweet ways. I made new friends as well. I need to spend more time with these people. Once maybe twice a year is not enough. I'm going to try and go up to camp for at least one week.  Caitlin and I are planning road trips (that will happen).  Things are in motion and life is sweet and full of love. Even if a lot of it has gone back to california there is lots to love in oregon.

Spring Melting Into Summer

-iron and wine has filled my spring and i foresee it continuing into summer with their new CD "around the well" my heart is light with the sounds of it.

-why i love my brother:
Jacob: "sam do girls really just wanna have fun?"
Me: "what?! (while trying to suppress laughter)"
Jacob: "well i have a song that says that"
Me: "yes, jacob girls just wanna have fun (still laughing)"
Jacob: "oh, ok."

-i've decided to be more constructive with my poetry. i'm practicing challenging myself in my writing by having a goal in mind when i sit down to write. there are still spontaneously inspired ones but i'm trying to reflect on people and it is an interesting process filling me with joy and sadness.

-i am excited beyond belief for the wonderful people who are going to be staying with me soon.

April's End

the dogwood is in bloom

and i miss the thought of it all

the tulips here grow to be 2 feet tall

how odd to have a flower desire to look you in the eye

it is not the flowers i am worried about 

but the lack of flowers,

the threat of no spring

straight from winter to summer

hidden life to approaching dust

but i can see the blossoms

and you  like how much i laugh

One More Semester of Seminary Down

i love my small evangelical seminary. i love that i am not conservative and that it is ok. i love that my thoughts have value and that i have learned to value myself enough to say them out loud. i love that i am becoming me in a place that is becoming my own.

things in school this semester:

-i wrote statements of beliefs on doctrine of God, doctrine of revelation, and doctrine of the person of Christ

-sixteen weeks of studying prayer

-read through the prophets and the gospels

-studied the story of the hemorrhaging woman in Mark 5 and wrote about her and loved her and her story and began to see myself in that story and loved Jesus even more because of that story

-i got to interview my sweet friend/mentor Gelayol and learn about her life in Iran and about what it was like to move to the United States

-i taught a room full of graduate students how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils

-i wrote a paper on the implications of Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and what it is communicating to our culture and how the church needs to respond (it may surprise you what Twilight is communicating to youth i know i was surprised, it was interesting)

things in life:

-discovered the joy of hot rollers allowing me to have curly big hair whenever i see fit

-moved 

-really getting to know my sweet friend Rachael i live with

-discovering the joy of new music almost daily

-joined a gym 

-learning more how to love myself

-hiking constantly

-drinking more coffee then is necessary

-learning to love being single

-making my new house my home

-discovered i don't like shirts with sleeves

-making cards is an absolute joy, sending them is even better

-trying to figure what to say to tell someone i'm done

-Christian Camping International, hopefully

-taking pictures on disposable cameras because my digital is broken

-ready for the adventure that will be May-August

3 Thoughts

I love spring.

Iced coffee and skirt wearing has commenced. 

Listening to The Everyday Visuals and Carolina Liar.

watching springtime unfold

from the bench seat in the window

waiting for something

allowing myself a moment

to be with you

as my heart leaps 

at the sound of your name

at the words in your letter

the thought of a future i dare not entertain

what will spring bring?

not you.

Not A Flower

in silence,

flower petals drop

to the floor

forgotten.

withering.

left in the quiet room

accompanied only

by the rocking chair's creak

waiting,

waiting,

waiting,

for someone,

to fill this space.

not just a body,

but a spirit

with laughter.

bringing with them

a watering can,

coaxing the petals

to once again grow.

long. tired.

life is crazy right now. 2 and 1/2 weeks of school left until a break before summer classes start in june. i'm learning a lot though and feel blessed in my classes and in my new living situation.  i just finished a paper on the unity within the person of Christ, asserting that you can't legitimately separate the historical Jesus from the Christ of faith, because one does not exist without the other. next week for one of my intercultural classes i'm teaching the class how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils. it should be a fun time, talking about being joyful in worship and this translates well to children of all cultures. it looks like 2 years as a youth director is coming in handy ;) two more doctrinal statements as well will be being written and thought over and thought on and discussed as i figure out how to say what i believe.

more then any of that though i am living.  i am going out. making food with (the new roommate and most importantly friend). not letting my school dictate my life but living because this is it, i've only got so much time in portland. there is no way i am rachael going to waste it on days it is beautiful to sit inside. life is moving so fast and it is crazy to think that i have already be living here for almost 9 months. 

so, i'm working on living and laughing and cooking (without fear).

life is good.

God is good and alive.

may is going to be a fun month.

summer is very close.

Spring Break

That little sweet heart in the middle I get to call my brother.

That's a pretty good image of mine and my brothers relationship ;) this is just one of the many afternoons we spent on the trampoline.

That is definitely my grandma, sister, and brother on the trampoline. Oh how I love my family.

One of the hazards of moving, poor coffee mug. More pictures of my new colorful townhouse coming soon.

What Else Can I Do?

Do you really have to go out of the country?
Could you please go some place less dangerous?

These are the questions my family regularly asks me when we discuss my internship for the fall of 2011. I'm going to be in South or Central America and this terrifies my family. I don't see any other option, for me at least. I want to work with children who need love, who need a chance, and a way out. It's either South or Central America or Africa for me. There's never really been another way. This is where I am going. Part of that is because we have to do an internship in a foreign country and the other part is because I want to. I have always wanted to. And everything I learn I am going to bring back and put it to use with children in this country. I am getting a masters in intercultural studies and most people assume that means other cultures but I feel it transcends that and moves into the subcultures around us. That is where I am going to work, much to the dismay of some. I am going to love and work on healing this earth. Because what else can I do?

In music news:
If you go the Iron and Wine website right now you can download for free (my favorite word with regards to music) 8 acoustic tracks from The Shepherd's Dog album. Do it! They are fantastic!

sometimes i wish i had a secret. something good. not the list of bad secrets i hold close, but a good one. one that makes me excited to keep secret. one that is just for me. i had one and it was nice until it turned into something else. still good. a friendship came out of it. almost humorous really. oh secrets so good and so bad. so many secrets yet to be had.
in other news:
Caroline Smith and The Good Night Sleeps make my life happy and sound very much like spring.

the approach of spring

i hum in my sleep

the melodies of my dreams

blowing through my life

leaves, twigs, and particles of memories

Getting Old

That sweet man in the picture is my grandfather. I love him (and the sweet woman next to him my grandmother). He can't see to ever be well and it's hard, it's hard to watch him getting old. Needless to say I'm really glad I'll be home in 6 days and I'll be able to spend some good time with the two of them. Getting old is not for the weak; I just keep telling myself he's strong enough.

On...

your words are running up my arms

keeping me warm

tickling the inside of my ear

as they ruffle through my hair

blowing strands in front of my eyes

telling me simple truths

truths i desperately need to hear

on beauty

on faith

on the cause of a summer breeze

A Dream

blurred lines on negative prints

of late night laughing sessions

cozy comfort in the front room

cramming people in every corner

singing

filling

abundance

welling up with life

even if only for this one night

captured forever in this joyous occasion

sharing in a moment that is not ours

taking advantage of the joy

the light in our eyes capturing

what the pictures never can

I had a dream about this summer and I liked what I saw.

Weekend with a Friend

Aimee

 kindred spirit, good friend 

lover of adventures and spontaneous days

Seattle for a day

Vintage exploration in the rain

Laughing

Laughing

and more 

Laughing

a time of year...

This time of year I get a little lonely for calvin crest, I'm not going to lie. I miss the atmosphere and the weather and the way it feels.

I miss these ladies. (but i get to see all of them soon)

I miss team meetings. 

I miss this being considered work.

I miss this being my view.

But I'm really excited to be here in Portland this summer. I'm excited to hike Mount Hood and pick every possible kind of fruit I can. I'm excited to frolic through fields of lavender. I'm excited to possible go to Argentina. I'm excited to ride my bike everywhere and where skirts and drink iced americano's. I'm excited to live with Rachel and develop that friendship. I'm excited to figure out even more how to live.

it's hard to look at the pictures of people who don't want to be a part of your life. and never tried. and still don't try. it shouldn't matter anymore. it's always been this way. but it does. i shouldn't have to fight back tears in the coffee shop right now. i have good defense mechanisms. but i am still very fragile. i probably should get this fragility looked at. i've been hurting long enough. i don't have to hurt.

A Reminder

gentle rain, 

soft breezes,

speak to a presence

in the midst of our doubt

a reminder

what's really important.

who you are,

is truth

found here,

not in the white tower

or in this view or that

but here, 

in the great expanse

laid out before us.

in the awe-inspiring

duality of the sky,

light reflecting on the ocean

next to the blackest of storms

while the waves,

reach out for the shore

greedily taking anything

in their fingers reach.

watching from our perch

small in our spot

giant in our thoughts of you

longing for tangibility

in the intangible

bringing the surroundings

into the songs.

on finding hope

I'm thinking more, finding hope. 

Realizing I don't have to ascribe to either view, I just have to be able to defend my view.

In other news: 

I went on a drive today and ended up on a beach in washington. 

It was awesome.

Tomorrow I'm going to do it all over again this time with my dear friend Rachel.

Goodness.

Hope.

All in the process of being found.

Is there Hope?

In my theology class we are currently talking about the Doctrine of God. Which is so good because we are talking about the greatness and goodness of God, the trinity and trying to wrap my mind around that is amazing. BUT, I am having some issues with the Doctrine of Election.  If you don't know what that is I'll give you a brief definition and I'll explain more as I understand more later. The basic definition is that the salvation of a person depends on God electing them, this manifests in many different ways the main ones being Calvinism and Arminianism. I am having a hard time making sense of this doctrine in light of who God is. I have no problem believing that people don't choose God but to think that God doesn't choose some people just doesn't make sense for me in light of who God says He is. I haven't made any concrete decisions about this yet and I'm still learning a lot and studying a lot.  I think the Biblical evidence shows both sides and so I'm trying to figure it out but I'm wrestling. 

I believe in God. I know God is real beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I know that in some ways I will never be able to understand the mind of God or the plan of God. But this idea that God calls some and not others makes me cringe because then I have a hard time seeing God as giving the world hope through Christ and loving the world by sending the Son.  Why doesn't it just say that God gave His chosen hope and loves His chosen. And I know we say that God doesn't send people to hell (whatever that means) only their sins do BUT if God is choosing who are the chosen then isn't he destining some for hell?  I know God is just and I am not saying that but this one of the ways where I see the doctrine of election coming in conflict with God's nature. 

Where's the justice?

Where's the hope?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

signs on our hands

the clock ticks out its steady beat

not slower than it did the day everything went wrong

or faster than the day everything went right

it just ticks

impartial to me and you

or the moments we want to hold for one second longer

because i can hold on to your hand

hoping to keep you in this scene forever

but the wrinkles will crease your eyes

and time will age us

the signs showing on our interlocked fingers

even if i will it not to

but i will not release you

because even if i can't make life one second longer

i can make it infinitely deeper 

challenging time to touch this distance

a revolt and rebellion against its existence

because this is our moment

not times.

Joy...

I have a most wonderful friend up here in Portland. Here name is Rachel and she is fantastic. We met at a time when i really needed a friend.  She is one of those people you just can't help but love and I cannot wait until we move in together this April.

Last night she called me up when she got outta class and we ended up going to a little bar down the street from my house and shared a pitcher of beer and listened to some live music and just talked. It was so wonderful. We share life when we are together not just meaningless conversation and I greatly appreciate her and her heart.

Sharing life is good.

Right In Front of My Eyes

I've always had a hard time making friends. I tend to be shy when I meet people which makes it hard but once you get to know me shyness seems silly in many ways.  I long for the close friendships I see around me that I am not a part of. But, because I was so  preoccupied wanting what someone else had I didn't even realize the wonderful friendship I do have. I have four wonderful girl in my life whom I am with right now and I am so thankful that they folded me into their lives, let me live with them, and the fact that we continue to share life even though I have moved to Oregon.