i observe the self.

i observe the self-serving generation of want. of lust. of excess. of costumes and flattery. crossing culture, nation, race, and age. uniting the masses under the flag of themselves. stopping for a coffee, a beer, a smoke, a social justice cause that'll grab their attention for as long as it is cool and then dropped for the next fad of purses made by crack babies in New Delhi. proud of their creativity and ingenuity in spite of...what? their education? their cushy apartment with a view of the sea? their vintage clothes bought for more than they're worth worth to look ironic and cool? their ability to purchase their clothes, their coffee, their smokes, their booze? and yet...i am them...i fly my self-serving flag as i drink my coffee at my sidewalk cafe complete with ironic barista and gluten-free toast. and i avert my eyes with a half wary smile from the people who really need, who really want. i tightrope the line between us and them, between caring and not as another boy in girl pants walks by confidently unaware as i sit in question. and i am no better with my flag of excess, of judgement, of over priced, of want. because i would put on a costume and rabble rouse with the best of them if the situation was different, if the company was someone else.

Chapter one: it was a sunny December summer and I began working on chapter two. Dreaming of your blue eyes and resting in your arms. What better way to begin and what a better way to end where we all want to be where out love began when it all comes to an end.

an outside observation.

i say lots of things are my favorite and the best part of this is that i genuinely mean it. if i had to list things that are my favorite i could go on forever because i guess that is just how i see the world. people are good and everything has the potential to be my favorite and i welcome everything onto my favorite list. i think this is why i get so hurt when something or someone does not meet this potential...

new favorite things you ask?

-a purple shirt with a crazy looking deer on it (currently wearing and loving)

-sentences that start with "another candidate for our top songs featuring whistling"

-"I like You" by Sandol Stoddard Warburg

- buttons made into earrings

- Kiss Each Other Clean by Iron&Wine

- Four Quartets by T.S. Elliot

half-started, half-finished

I have developed a collection of half-started, half-finished poems.

And a collection of just started books.

And new music obsessions.

A coffee addiction in the mid-afternoon.

And a lot of half thought out plans.

That's life.

My half-started, half-finished life.

I'm stuck in the middle and yet so close to the end.

my writing man.

my love is currently in South Korea. he is pretty amazing like that. for those of you who don't know he is an aspiring writer and i absolutely love the voice that comes through in his writing. he has written a few journal entries in regards to his trip, here are few of my favorites:

"Tonight I was reminded for the first time in years that somewhere along journeys such as this we come into contact with beings only loosely affiliated with the terra firma. Sitting in a chair somewhere separated from concepts of time as we have come to know it, looking into peoples' eyes as something starts to break loose from them, something uncomfortably true, wrapping scaled hands around pillars that could never exist in the tangible, but must exist somewhere. In that place and this one, we have something equally intangible yet unshakebly real moving on ahead to meet it so long as we're not charging ahead alone. Everything in this reality seems to contradict itself, yet something holds it together anyways."

"In other news, it's interesting being on the other end of the immigrant experience for once. We are thunderous Americans dancing into your Lotte Marts with all the grace of a dying Mammoth. Your words and symbols mean nothing to us. I try to act out what kind of food I think you might be selling."

i can't wait to see the plethora of amazingness that is going to come from him. i love him.

i complain a lot.

yup. i do. i complain and mope a lot. but. i love it here. i love new zealand. i love the people i work with and live with and minister with. i am learning amazing things about god and about myself and about my relationships. everyday i am challenged by something or someone. somedays it is a good challenge other days it is too much to handle but sometimes those are the days i need the most. i hate being away from jesse. but i do love what this time apart from him is teaching me. i miss portland. but i realize how much it really had become home over the last 2 years and i look forward to going back. i miss living with rachael but i appreciate her friendship so much and just the easiness of being with someone who knows you.

i have an amazing job. and amazing friends and community here. and i realize more now than ever what an amazing community, friends, home, and boyfriend in portland.

i am so lucky. how often do you get to love people on two different continents. how often do you get to have wonderful community in two different worlds.

i live in a both/and world right now. the bittersweetness of this experience lingers but i have to remind myself to be here and now and that what is next is going to happen when it happens and that i can dream about then and still be here.

so very homesick.

sometimes.

when i am alone.

all alone in my thoughts.

i entertain the idea.

quietly.

quickly.

without a breath.

what if i can't.

what if i can't survive.

what if i can't face.

four more months.

what if i can't.

survive.

face.

breath.

what if i can't.

and just as quickly.

they all come in focus.

and my thoughts.

living in the creases on my face.

in drawn down eyes.

but only in the quiet.

in the aloneness.

do i entertain.

do i wonder.

worry.

ask.

what if i can't.

some morning

i'll wake up with you by my side

planning nothing

but holding you longer

as the sun glints in

between badly drawn blinds

coffee and a newspaper

or sitting by the ocean

perhaps just a moment with a book in the grass

nothing mattering

because we'll go together.

----------------------------------------

it's late.

i can't sleep.

for the fears of not dreaming,

and the fears of dreaming.

so, i allow the tears to drop

silently

leaving but a trace on my cheeks,

as i take advantage of the internet

finding ever Bon Iver song

for my very own.

music to match my mood,

somewhere between enjoyment,

and the soundtrack to my grief

learning how to live in the space between.

-------------------------------------------------------

sister.

I have an amazing sister. She drives me nuts sometimes but I love her so much it is a little nuts. She is almost 12 (in 2 weeks) and a force all her own. I happened to be on her facebook tonight and I just couldn't help but love what one of her little friends wrote about her:

"Madison: Amazing Athlete, Wonderful cheerleader! Who loves Robert Pattinson and aspires to be a designer!"

That's who she is right now and it is beautiful. I hope she always loves herself in such a way that she knows who she is and her friends know as well.

she's the one right in the middle.

this is my roommate aimee....she's pretty awesome.

culture shock.

homesickness.

culture shock.

disagreeable food.

disagreeable people.

everything different.

but i just realized it.

so i cried a bit but it was good.

and i'll be ok.

the beginning is wearing off.

now it is becoming life not just a vacation.

a lot waiting.

i look to my feet when i am down. because for some reason they've managed to find themselves no longer on the ground. and my hands are trying to do the walking so that i can get some place other than the sky. because my adventurous spirit ran out when i said goodbye. but for some reason, my feet remember. remember what it was like to run so fast they left the ground. to feel so light that they didn't need to touch earth to move. but a ball of lead has made my stomach its permanent home and i can't seem to digest my loneliness...my fear...and all the changes the same way i usually do. and so i sink. and i let the lead seep in and grow roots. but. my feet remember. and so they force me on my hands and make me uncomfortable so that i'll remember. remember what it is like to be here and be free. and so that i'll deal with that ball of lead because sinking turns into suffocating at this angle and i've got far too much waiting for me to give up. and give in.

i live in new zealand.

just an awesome treehouse at camp

my flatemate lex in the distance you can see the south island

the waikanae coast

beautiful flowers

i live in waikanae, new zealand and i am starting a discipleship program at this camp. i don't know exactly what is going to happen or what is going to come of this but i am extremely excited.

summer memories/realities

greetings,

from children running through sweet pea fields

getting caught on hidden blackberry bushes

the thorns gouging deep

and tangling on summer skin

too busy to stop and tend the wounds,

the blood leaving a trail

in case we want to go back

but even if we do,

we won't go back the same way

you can never go back the same way,

we aren't those children,

the field will be gone,

and we'll come back slower.

why is the sky so much bigger here?

anywhere else it would be a normal sunny day,

but here,

with you,

it is epic and life changing

making it easy to remember

lavender scented memories

and sea salt in my hair.

oh yeah.

i live in new zealand right now. yup. it is wednesday at 10:03pm and it is most likely 2:03am on wednesday where you are. but yeah. i live in waikanae, new zealand for the next 7 months. pictures and plans and poems to follow.

he's coming to visit on monday.

i love him.

things september has brought and will bring.

september has brought me away from portland and back to bakersfield. which has been interesting to say the least. i miss portland. i miss everything about it. the way it felt to be in my room and my home. my roommate. my cat and the neighbor's kitten who decided to befriend me. i miss my community. i miss random dance parties and coffee shops. and i miss my man...a lot. i could keep going but that would just get depressing. bakersfield has my family and a few friends which is good.

the drive to bakersfield brought me to two awesome days with my dear friend caitlin. my soul needed some time with her and it was absolutely refreshing and wonderful.
september has brought trials to my heart and to my sanity. but it has also brought a lot of encouragement from those i love and lots of prayer and honesty from me.

september has brought some awesome music:
Jenny and Johnny - full length album for free, get it now (my fav: apple blossom).
Portugal. The Man : daytrotter Session goodness (my fav: people say).
The Holy Ghost Tent Revival : daytrotter session of bluegrass i didn't know i needed (my fav: hammer fell).
Brooke Waggoner: daytrotter session of awesome pianoness (my fav: beaut).
Lost in the Tress: daytrotter session i'm liking more every time i hear it (my fav: artist's song).
Sam Quinn: daytrotter session that once again gets better ever time (my fav: oceans).
and last but not least: The Tree Ring Record an awesome music group and an awesome opportunity to be a part of something musical and beautiful...do it trust me your ears will thank you.

september has also brought a new favorite website, a softer world dark humor comics, horribly funny as jesse put it. my fav #490

what september still has left to bring you ask?
hopefully more amazing music. more time with the fam. more time with my california friends. hopefully getting to go to a friends wedding. painting. preparing. a visit from my love on the 27th. packing. lots of prayer.


after this is october 1st and at 11pm i leave for new zealand and then who knows, 7 months on the other side of the world. bring it on.

"i used to hate cheesy and then i fell in love" -caitlin
a fantastic quote by one of my favorite people.
there is a lot going on life, more on that later.