i complain a lot.

yup. i do. i complain and mope a lot. but. i love it here. i love new zealand. i love the people i work with and live with and minister with. i am learning amazing things about god and about myself and about my relationships. everyday i am challenged by something or someone. somedays it is a good challenge other days it is too much to handle but sometimes those are the days i need the most. i hate being away from jesse. but i do love what this time apart from him is teaching me. i miss portland. but i realize how much it really had become home over the last 2 years and i look forward to going back. i miss living with rachael but i appreciate her friendship so much and just the easiness of being with someone who knows you.

i have an amazing job. and amazing friends and community here. and i realize more now than ever what an amazing community, friends, home, and boyfriend in portland.

i am so lucky. how often do you get to love people on two different continents. how often do you get to have wonderful community in two different worlds.

i live in a both/and world right now. the bittersweetness of this experience lingers but i have to remind myself to be here and now and that what is next is going to happen when it happens and that i can dream about then and still be here.

so very homesick.

sometimes.

when i am alone.

all alone in my thoughts.

i entertain the idea.

quietly.

quickly.

without a breath.

what if i can't.

what if i can't survive.

what if i can't face.

four more months.

what if i can't.

survive.

face.

breath.

what if i can't.

and just as quickly.

they all come in focus.

and my thoughts.

living in the creases on my face.

in drawn down eyes.

but only in the quiet.

in the aloneness.

do i entertain.

do i wonder.

worry.

ask.

what if i can't.

some morning

i'll wake up with you by my side

planning nothing

but holding you longer

as the sun glints in

between badly drawn blinds

coffee and a newspaper

or sitting by the ocean

perhaps just a moment with a book in the grass

nothing mattering

because we'll go together.

----------------------------------------

it's late.

i can't sleep.

for the fears of not dreaming,

and the fears of dreaming.

so, i allow the tears to drop

silently

leaving but a trace on my cheeks,

as i take advantage of the internet

finding ever Bon Iver song

for my very own.

music to match my mood,

somewhere between enjoyment,

and the soundtrack to my grief

learning how to live in the space between.

-------------------------------------------------------

sister.

I have an amazing sister. She drives me nuts sometimes but I love her so much it is a little nuts. She is almost 12 (in 2 weeks) and a force all her own. I happened to be on her facebook tonight and I just couldn't help but love what one of her little friends wrote about her:

"Madison: Amazing Athlete, Wonderful cheerleader! Who loves Robert Pattinson and aspires to be a designer!"

That's who she is right now and it is beautiful. I hope she always loves herself in such a way that she knows who she is and her friends know as well.

she's the one right in the middle.

this is my roommate aimee....she's pretty awesome.

culture shock.

homesickness.

culture shock.

disagreeable food.

disagreeable people.

everything different.

but i just realized it.

so i cried a bit but it was good.

and i'll be ok.

the beginning is wearing off.

now it is becoming life not just a vacation.

a lot waiting.

i look to my feet when i am down. because for some reason they've managed to find themselves no longer on the ground. and my hands are trying to do the walking so that i can get some place other than the sky. because my adventurous spirit ran out when i said goodbye. but for some reason, my feet remember. remember what it was like to run so fast they left the ground. to feel so light that they didn't need to touch earth to move. but a ball of lead has made my stomach its permanent home and i can't seem to digest my loneliness...my fear...and all the changes the same way i usually do. and so i sink. and i let the lead seep in and grow roots. but. my feet remember. and so they force me on my hands and make me uncomfortable so that i'll remember. remember what it is like to be here and be free. and so that i'll deal with that ball of lead because sinking turns into suffocating at this angle and i've got far too much waiting for me to give up. and give in.

i live in new zealand.

just an awesome treehouse at camp

my flatemate lex in the distance you can see the south island

the waikanae coast

beautiful flowers

i live in waikanae, new zealand and i am starting a discipleship program at this camp. i don't know exactly what is going to happen or what is going to come of this but i am extremely excited.

summer memories/realities

greetings,

from children running through sweet pea fields

getting caught on hidden blackberry bushes

the thorns gouging deep

and tangling on summer skin

too busy to stop and tend the wounds,

the blood leaving a trail

in case we want to go back

but even if we do,

we won't go back the same way

you can never go back the same way,

we aren't those children,

the field will be gone,

and we'll come back slower.

why is the sky so much bigger here?

anywhere else it would be a normal sunny day,

but here,

with you,

it is epic and life changing

making it easy to remember

lavender scented memories

and sea salt in my hair.

oh yeah.

i live in new zealand right now. yup. it is wednesday at 10:03pm and it is most likely 2:03am on wednesday where you are. but yeah. i live in waikanae, new zealand for the next 7 months. pictures and plans and poems to follow.

he's coming to visit on monday.

i love him.

things september has brought and will bring.

september has brought me away from portland and back to bakersfield. which has been interesting to say the least. i miss portland. i miss everything about it. the way it felt to be in my room and my home. my roommate. my cat and the neighbor's kitten who decided to befriend me. i miss my community. i miss random dance parties and coffee shops. and i miss my man...a lot. i could keep going but that would just get depressing. bakersfield has my family and a few friends which is good.

the drive to bakersfield brought me to two awesome days with my dear friend caitlin. my soul needed some time with her and it was absolutely refreshing and wonderful.
september has brought trials to my heart and to my sanity. but it has also brought a lot of encouragement from those i love and lots of prayer and honesty from me.

september has brought some awesome music:
Jenny and Johnny - full length album for free, get it now (my fav: apple blossom).
Portugal. The Man : daytrotter Session goodness (my fav: people say).
The Holy Ghost Tent Revival : daytrotter session of bluegrass i didn't know i needed (my fav: hammer fell).
Brooke Waggoner: daytrotter session of awesome pianoness (my fav: beaut).
Lost in the Tress: daytrotter session i'm liking more every time i hear it (my fav: artist's song).
Sam Quinn: daytrotter session that once again gets better ever time (my fav: oceans).
and last but not least: The Tree Ring Record an awesome music group and an awesome opportunity to be a part of something musical and beautiful...do it trust me your ears will thank you.

september has also brought a new favorite website, a softer world dark humor comics, horribly funny as jesse put it. my fav #490

what september still has left to bring you ask?
hopefully more amazing music. more time with the fam. more time with my california friends. hopefully getting to go to a friends wedding. painting. preparing. a visit from my love on the 27th. packing. lots of prayer.


after this is october 1st and at 11pm i leave for new zealand and then who knows, 7 months on the other side of the world. bring it on.

"i used to hate cheesy and then i fell in love" -caitlin
a fantastic quote by one of my favorite people.
there is a lot going on life, more on that later.

someday, i will have a room full of windows that gets sunshine during every part of the day and it will be a space where i can paint and write and listen to music loudly.

someday.

on growing up.

i don't ever want him to grow up.

she's not allowed to either.

then again....we almost drove into a river and slept in rachael's car

and we didn't wear shoes for 5 hours while walking around a fair...and we're considered grown up....so maybe growing up is ok.

it feels like swimming.

june came and went in such a flurry i lost sight of the sunrise and the sunset and i only seemed to be able to see the glory of the day in all it's terror and rain because the sun only shone enough to count it on your finger tips. i didn't mind. except when i did, when i decided i was going to pull out all my hair because i just wanted to see the sun. but that would last for only a moment because i get distracted easily and luckily for me i have a great distraction. falling in love. not so much a distraction but something that was and is happening to my life. not falling in love with how i feel, although it is nice. not falling in love with how nice it is to be with someone, even though it is quite nice. but falling in love with a person. because they are them and they are amazing. realizing that to love someone means to love them not love anything else. it means being able to say i love you and be ok with not hearing it back because you aren't saying it to hear it said back, but you are saying it because the person you love is so amazing you have to tell them. because the person you love you are finally seeing for the first time not through the lens of your feelings but for who they are, for what makes them...them. all the oddities and beauties and things that only you see because you have been brought into the bounty of their life and have been trusted with secrets and pains and joys. it feels like gently floating underwater. slightly light headed from the lack of oxygen but with a peace that only comes with swimming.

mother.

that's my good looking mama. we don't look anything alike, probably because she didn't give birth to me. minor detail in the grand scheme of things. she's my mom. she's amazing. she has loved me and cared for me more then i could have ever asked for. and i love her. i wouldn't want it any other way. i'm pretty freaking lucky, and so happy mother's day mom.

one step closer

learning how to be ok

that tomorrow is a mystery

too hard to talk about

too soon to contemplate

except in quiet moments when i am alone

and dream

of future things i keep in my heart

as the months draw to ends

and then beginnings all over again,

but always towards a moment

a point

too far off

today

yet still closer tomorrow

and soon tomorrow will be today

and it will be one step closer

my breath will catch for a little bit longer

as i hold my questions

my fears

my dreams,

so for now i have today

and i have to live in today

if i'm ever going to make it out sane