someday, i will have a room full of windows that gets sunshine during every part of the day and it will be a space where i can paint and write and listen to music loudly.

someday.

on growing up.

i don't ever want him to grow up.

she's not allowed to either.

then again....we almost drove into a river and slept in rachael's car

and we didn't wear shoes for 5 hours while walking around a fair...and we're considered grown up....so maybe growing up is ok.

it feels like swimming.

june came and went in such a flurry i lost sight of the sunrise and the sunset and i only seemed to be able to see the glory of the day in all it's terror and rain because the sun only shone enough to count it on your finger tips. i didn't mind. except when i did, when i decided i was going to pull out all my hair because i just wanted to see the sun. but that would last for only a moment because i get distracted easily and luckily for me i have a great distraction. falling in love. not so much a distraction but something that was and is happening to my life. not falling in love with how i feel, although it is nice. not falling in love with how nice it is to be with someone, even though it is quite nice. but falling in love with a person. because they are them and they are amazing. realizing that to love someone means to love them not love anything else. it means being able to say i love you and be ok with not hearing it back because you aren't saying it to hear it said back, but you are saying it because the person you love is so amazing you have to tell them. because the person you love you are finally seeing for the first time not through the lens of your feelings but for who they are, for what makes them...them. all the oddities and beauties and things that only you see because you have been brought into the bounty of their life and have been trusted with secrets and pains and joys. it feels like gently floating underwater. slightly light headed from the lack of oxygen but with a peace that only comes with swimming.

mother.

that's my good looking mama. we don't look anything alike, probably because she didn't give birth to me. minor detail in the grand scheme of things. she's my mom. she's amazing. she has loved me and cared for me more then i could have ever asked for. and i love her. i wouldn't want it any other way. i'm pretty freaking lucky, and so happy mother's day mom.

one step closer

learning how to be ok

that tomorrow is a mystery

too hard to talk about

too soon to contemplate

except in quiet moments when i am alone

and dream

of future things i keep in my heart

as the months draw to ends

and then beginnings all over again,

but always towards a moment

a point

too far off

today

yet still closer tomorrow

and soon tomorrow will be today

and it will be one step closer

my breath will catch for a little bit longer

as i hold my questions

my fears

my dreams,

so for now i have today

and i have to live in today

if i'm ever going to make it out sane

monday's plan.

i graduate on saturday.

it is supposed to be 75 degrees on monday, so when i get off work at noon i'm grabbing a blanket, a picnic, a camera, and a book and i'm going to lay in a park. and i'm not going to have to worry about homework and i'm just going to sit and enjoy.

for now though back to eschatology.

unexpected goodness.

we have random dance parties. get lost for hours and never mind. have yet to have a successful hike, waterfalls don't like us. drive backwards down a snow-covered mountainside. create roads in the snow using flip-flops. we drink good beer and wine. we dream of adventures. and go shopping for western boot. western boots we plan on wearing on road trips. we laugh uncontrollably. drink lots of coffee and lots and lots of coffee. and sometimes we just sit next to each other. quietly enjoying one anothers company. or we take walks in the sunshine hand in hand. and kiss in the rain. in the snow. and in the moments when everything could wrong and it goes right. we plan on learning to surf. to live simply. and ride bikes everywhere. we cook one night a week laughing in the kitchen. we have this moment and we'll take it. i'm keeping him forever. and he's keeping me.

"we care more about your life, and that you are living it well, then about a piece of paper"

thank you dad. i needed that.

and so i write and paint.

i don't have an internship. i don't know what i am going to do with my future. i'm scared as hell. so i write poetry and paint and i spend time with a boy who makes my heart light.

-------

"life mingling"

would you grip a falling leaf

in fear of a seasons change

as it slips through your fingers

demanding you to move forward

with the risks,

and the pain of changing,

tied closely with loving?

white knuckled holding on

to the blossoms as they burst

through the cracks between your fingers,

neither obstinance,

nor fear,

holding them back

as you shake your fist,

full of promises of new life,

back at the tree from which they came.

you know neither the shade,

nor the fruit,

as you miss the possibilities

in favor of the facts.

but what if,

for a moment,

a blossom was a promise,

and what if,

for a moment,

a fallen leaf was a life

of unexpected and unplanned living?

there can be no anger,

you, yourself were unexpected,

unplanned,

not part of the 5-year course on life-map making

but things change,

and lives grow,

to fit the changing season,

being able to do nothing more

than breath

and hold on tight

to the life mingling with yours.

resting lightly

rumors of another world

a slice of life

and a fresh cup of coffee

next to your sweet side

with your hand

resting lightly on my thigh

not noticing my eyes

gazing at you

as you gaze at the sky

and speak

in a language all your own

with topics that i don't dream of

that you only dream in

filling the space with possibilities

as you move from one topic to the next

while i jump in and join you

in your world

in your head

and liking the view from where i am sitting

enjoying the coffee

the talk of adventures

and the feel of your hand on my thigh

springy sounds

She & Him have a new album out and to me they sound the way spring is supposed to sound and feel, so i am very excited at the arrival of this album AND there is this phenomenal site that lets you download it for free!!! what????!!! just click on the link and enjoy :)

until.

keep talking about forever

though i can't handle the dream

my heart aches at your touch

and at the softness of your eyes

don't tell me what you noticed

my green eyes

my jeans and bare feet

because i will say forever

and i will wait

across the distance

and through the time that it'll take

to get me back to you

so keep telling me forever

and i'll keep dreaming with you

again and again.

as you drink poison

you kill your enemy

but i drink no poison

and you are no enemy

but a pariah i seem

an infection has infiltrated my heart

a disease with no cure

except my expulsion

from your presence

your heart

and our friendship

i sink in my confusion

but not in regret

the cure is not attractive

or understandable

to you and your sensibilities

but there is no other answer

then the hand i now hold

blindsided?

maybe

inevitable?

always

so here is your time

and space

don't be what i fear

because my choice will not change

i would chose this disease

again

and again

and again

and so would you

movement.

i wonder if i am unlovable?

if my dreams

are only big enough for one?

packing my bags,

making my plans,

with only me in mind.

have i dreamt to small,

to include another?

but all it took

was one moment,

one second of honesty

with myself and with you,

to let myself feel what i feel

and let my words

break down my own walls

that you had slowly begun to chisel

that i had slowly allowed to crack

so that my heart could make an escape

and i could remember how to breath.

you teaching me to live

taking my hand

for whatever may come

nothing has changed

but nothing will ever be the same.

love.

i am loving life right now.

nothing has changed and yet everything has changed.

luckily the happiness is out weighing the fear.

tonight i needed this.

Disturb us, Lord, when

We are too pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true

Because we dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when

with the abundance of thing we possess

We have lost out thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heave to dim.

Disturb us, Lord. to dare more boldly,

To venture on wilder seas

Where storms will show Your mastery;

Where losing sight of land,

We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back

The horizons of our hopes;

And to push back the future

In strength, courage, hope, and love.

-Sir Francis Drake

working it out poetry style.

:take it back:

a dream is a wish your heart makes?

allow me to vomit on the very thought

i dream of goodbyes

of past loves

of loves never had.

a dream?

HA!!

a nightmare.

my mind want me to believe it is a dream,

my deepest fears at center stage.

losing those i love,

or want to love,

or never being loved at all.

cinderella can take back her song

and her happy ending dream,

because i don't live in a fairy tale,

and princes don't right on horseback,

or come into the save day.

and this screams of bitterness,

and i may be a strong independent woman,

but that doesn't mean a thing,

i want a happy ending

like any girl in a frilly dress

with stars in her eyes.

because i need to average out

my hello's with my goodbye's

and figure this out,

because i have to live this.

day dreams and wishes my heart make

only carry me so far.

but is there any cure?

any other answer to this bitterness?

but to dream...

to hope...

----------------------------------------------------

:something had to remain:

all that stands is an empty chimney

allowing the wind a place to sing

it's somber

chilling song

whipping pieces of ashen firewood

down and around

echoing its tale

of life and death

and nothing more

carrying the message

of existence in its expanse

----------------------------------------------------

:silence of no:

i never expected you to say yes

but i wasn't anticipating a no

or should i say

a lack of response,

so many of these words

i spout off are about you

perhaps now they'll cease

now that you've finally let me know

by your silence.

the silence of no,

the ending no,

the no that will resound forever

in the space i cleared for you,

in the cracks you created.

-------------------------------------------------

:24 years late:

You have never told me truth

but live life as if no one else matters

am i any different,

from the man at the corner liquor store

that you should owe me anything?

any effort

is 24 years too late,

yet still,

the pain lingers,

when i should expect nothing

because i have been given nothing,

i expect something.

even just a small acknowledgement

that i matter...

because i do matter

i matter to the people who matter.

i matter to the woman who took your place,

she stepped in

and loved me

with a love you will never understand

a love you could never grasp

a love i don't even understand,

to love like that you have to give something up,

and you never will

you will just be a woman

a woman 24 years too late.

--------------------------------------

:on beauty:

beauty is carried

in a raised head

in eye that look at the horizon

not at their owners feet

is it not better to suffer the pain of falling,

then to lose the beauty of the sky?

substitute sunshine.

so i am absolutely sick of the dark weather. i don't mind rain but the darkness is getting to me. so i am being inventive and find things that can be substitute sunshine.

1. time with friends

2. an almond soy latte from love cup

3. April Smith and the Great Picture Show

4. writing poetry

too coward.

you'll never know

as i say

you

you

you

stealthily hidden

behind phrases

that only mean you

to me

because to me

you are that smile

and that song

you are that fit of anger

that rush of joy,

the pit of my stomach lurches

hoping you'll realize

hoping you'll read between my lines

between my lies,

but i am too coward

to do anything but hope

because the far corners of the globe

are calling my name

and i'm pointing to countries

like they are dreams

hopes, adventures

the places i'll call home

the places i'll leave my mark

still shouting

you

you

you

just in different languages

from different time zones

finding new words

being inspired by new surroundings,

but still bringing it back

to you

until my heart breaks with the effort

of painting on my smile

until i strip it all away

and plainly say

with one word

to your face

to your smile

to your anger

to your joy

to your song

you.

and they would call that home.

it would have been a VW bus

with a bed in the back

and a pass for all the national parks

and they would call that home.

it would be a shack

with a dirt floor

and running water only on wednesdays

and they would call that home.

it would be a high-rise

and they wouldn't know their neighbors

and she would wear heals and he a suit

and they would call that home.

it would be on the back of a motorcycle

and they would each be running from something

and when they ran outta gas

they would call that home.

it would have a picket fence

a garden full of flowers

a view of the ocean and a place to dance

and they would call that home.

it would all be able to fit in a suitcase

because in the end

they would have no other choice

and they would call that home.