tonight i needed this.

Disturb us, Lord, when

We are too pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true

Because we dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when

with the abundance of thing we possess

We have lost out thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heave to dim.

Disturb us, Lord. to dare more boldly,

To venture on wilder seas

Where storms will show Your mastery;

Where losing sight of land,

We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back

The horizons of our hopes;

And to push back the future

In strength, courage, hope, and love.

-Sir Francis Drake

working it out poetry style.

:take it back:

a dream is a wish your heart makes?

allow me to vomit on the very thought

i dream of goodbyes

of past loves

of loves never had.

a dream?

HA!!

a nightmare.

my mind want me to believe it is a dream,

my deepest fears at center stage.

losing those i love,

or want to love,

or never being loved at all.

cinderella can take back her song

and her happy ending dream,

because i don't live in a fairy tale,

and princes don't right on horseback,

or come into the save day.

and this screams of bitterness,

and i may be a strong independent woman,

but that doesn't mean a thing,

i want a happy ending

like any girl in a frilly dress

with stars in her eyes.

because i need to average out

my hello's with my goodbye's

and figure this out,

because i have to live this.

day dreams and wishes my heart make

only carry me so far.

but is there any cure?

any other answer to this bitterness?

but to dream...

to hope...

----------------------------------------------------

:something had to remain:

all that stands is an empty chimney

allowing the wind a place to sing

it's somber

chilling song

whipping pieces of ashen firewood

down and around

echoing its tale

of life and death

and nothing more

carrying the message

of existence in its expanse

----------------------------------------------------

:silence of no:

i never expected you to say yes

but i wasn't anticipating a no

or should i say

a lack of response,

so many of these words

i spout off are about you

perhaps now they'll cease

now that you've finally let me know

by your silence.

the silence of no,

the ending no,

the no that will resound forever

in the space i cleared for you,

in the cracks you created.

-------------------------------------------------

:24 years late:

You have never told me truth

but live life as if no one else matters

am i any different,

from the man at the corner liquor store

that you should owe me anything?

any effort

is 24 years too late,

yet still,

the pain lingers,

when i should expect nothing

because i have been given nothing,

i expect something.

even just a small acknowledgement

that i matter...

because i do matter

i matter to the people who matter.

i matter to the woman who took your place,

she stepped in

and loved me

with a love you will never understand

a love you could never grasp

a love i don't even understand,

to love like that you have to give something up,

and you never will

you will just be a woman

a woman 24 years too late.

--------------------------------------

:on beauty:

beauty is carried

in a raised head

in eye that look at the horizon

not at their owners feet

is it not better to suffer the pain of falling,

then to lose the beauty of the sky?

substitute sunshine.

so i am absolutely sick of the dark weather. i don't mind rain but the darkness is getting to me. so i am being inventive and find things that can be substitute sunshine.

1. time with friends

2. an almond soy latte from love cup

3. April Smith and the Great Picture Show

4. writing poetry

too coward.

you'll never know

as i say

you

you

you

stealthily hidden

behind phrases

that only mean you

to me

because to me

you are that smile

and that song

you are that fit of anger

that rush of joy,

the pit of my stomach lurches

hoping you'll realize

hoping you'll read between my lines

between my lies,

but i am too coward

to do anything but hope

because the far corners of the globe

are calling my name

and i'm pointing to countries

like they are dreams

hopes, adventures

the places i'll call home

the places i'll leave my mark

still shouting

you

you

you

just in different languages

from different time zones

finding new words

being inspired by new surroundings,

but still bringing it back

to you

until my heart breaks with the effort

of painting on my smile

until i strip it all away

and plainly say

with one word

to your face

to your smile

to your anger

to your joy

to your song

you.

and they would call that home.

it would have been a VW bus

with a bed in the back

and a pass for all the national parks

and they would call that home.

it would be a shack

with a dirt floor

and running water only on wednesdays

and they would call that home.

it would be a high-rise

and they wouldn't know their neighbors

and she would wear heals and he a suit

and they would call that home.

it would be on the back of a motorcycle

and they would each be running from something

and when they ran outta gas

they would call that home.

it would have a picket fence

a garden full of flowers

a view of the ocean and a place to dance

and they would call that home.

it would all be able to fit in a suitcase

because in the end

they would have no other choice

and they would call that home.

Instead of You and Me

When you started using we instead of I

The whole world took notice

But that wasn’t the only secret

There were others that summer too.

Dotted like stars

In the dry sunshine scented evenings,

Charmed by the river

As it glided lazily under our feet

Longing to be swept in its current

Just so we could save each other from eminent death,

But our eye never met.

In every word exchanged in lust and love

We gazed past each other

We gazed through each other,

It was easier,

Less traumatic,

If our souls didn’t meet through our irises

It would be easier to say goodbye,

But we got lost in the curves of one another’s bodies

Not needing our eyes to meet

When our hearts had made prior arrangements

Arrangements to love one another

To sit for long afternoons discussing us

Instead of me and you.

lingering long

the jukebox glowed pale green light

a prayer in 4/4-time

pounding against their chests

a backdrop of foamy beer and peanut shells

bodies touch unexpectedly

and without care

sweaty and flushed

thoughts lost in moving flesh

hips brush together

as lips meet

quick and subtle

fingers knotted in loose strands of hair

nothing lasts but the heat

and a passionate sway

that lingers in steps

long after the night

daughter to father

before you knew my name,

my laugh,

my brown hair and green eyes,

you wanted me.

before you knew my failures,

my shortcomings,

and the times i would disappoint,

you fought for me.

before you knew my triumphs,

my goals,

and my dreams,

you kept me.

you didn't have to.

it wasn't your "job"

but you broke the mold.

thank you,

for being unexpected,

for being who i needed you to be,

for staying,

and wanting me to stay with you.

praise and pleas

a faint song echoes

off vaulted ceilings

bouncing off the giant pillars

remembering every word

seeing every glance

thrown in plea and praise

marking the building

with the worshippers

the reside within

gently pulling their spirits

into a posture of remembrance

with a solidarity

only available among misfits

eternity in front of us

the path through the cross

the road marked by ominous beats

accompanied before

and followed after

in quietness and silence

we will be led

and in joyful we follow

never again the same

a glance behind

we wish to give

for fear

of who and what we will miss

not willing to see what we will miss ahead

and yet the beats still echo

and bounce

their way back to us

remembering our praise

remembering our pleas

until we can see our future

2010

i talk a big game but i am terrified of 2010.

i loved 2009. i started to actually live and i met some amazing people that i will forever hold in my heart. some friendships began to wane and that is ok, not bad just something that happened with time. i had amazing adventures that i still break into laughter when i think about. i have changed in countless ways.

but 2009 started out uncertain and so i can't forget that.

the only things certain about 2010: 4 more months in portland, a trip to texas, graduation in april, summer in bakersfield (should be interesting), the beginning of my internship in some part of europe. it seems like so few things but my life is never that neat and tidy. there is always something waiting on the horizon, much of it my own doing because i have a hard time sitting still.

not siting still has brought me thus far. and so here is to not sitting still, to adventure, to the unknown, to the messes i get myself into, and to the people who follow me into them...oh 2010 i feel our relationship will be one to remember.

i like that in all of my homework i get to explore God.

i like that i am awe inspired sometimes.

i like that sometimes my eyes fill with tears when i think about the unbelieveabilty of His love for me.

i like that it feels new and fresh every time.

a break from paper writing...

"If someone is inspired, which means that life has been breathed into them, then somebody else had life breathed out of them."

-Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell and Dan Golden

i am so thankful for the things that breathe life into me.

sunny winter mornings...

happiness is....

a frightened rabbit daytrotter session.

enjoy.

2 weeks.

2 weeks of stress ahead of me. papers and papers and take home tests and doctrine statements and more papers. but then vacation and i cannot wait. this is my last fall semester. woot! i applied for graduation today, it feels weird to already be here almost done but i'm ready.

i'm ready to move on with my life. i'm ready to be done with school. i'm ready for austria. i'm ready for working in a coffee shop in a foreign country and doing ministry. i'm ready to figure out how and where i can do that in the states.

i'm ready.

not mine.

what does it mean to say forever?

to promise something that isn't yours.

on the backdrop of the past,

failures

triumphs

fears.

when this is all there is,

the etchings and the scars.

so why is a name impressed on each one?

honesty.

i need to learn the power of words and how to speak up for myself. i won't be caught in a cycle of abuse ever again. because i know i have worth and i will no longer let anyone take that truth from me.

honesty.

silence.

words.

new beginnings.

truth.

life.

good song.

Two Are One by Dri

Who's in your heart's

not always who's in your bed

You go looking for love

and find a lover there instead

So you hold them like you'd hold the hold the one you love

until it starts to feel like the two are one

Two are one

Who's in your bed's

not always who's in your heart

Some nights I'll pretend like I can't tell them apart

But then I sleep through the dark

with my eyes wide open

and my dreams lay our against the ceiling

and in every scene, it's you with me

and not this lover who lays beside me

like a rag team

in a movie

Who's in your heart's

not always who's in your bed

The night has a way of making you forget

that if the one you love's not the one you're loving

all our loving will amount to nothing

so I take off running and try to catch you

There's so many things I have to tell you

I wake up

and then I wake up

less periphery.

i feel distant from things i want to feel close to. i feel distant from people i have always wanted to love but have never figured out how more than an email here or there or an occasional care package. i try to like the telephone but i just don't. i like the people in my life i just wish there were some people who were in it more often and less periphery. what happens when i leave the country?

it's hard to see us sinking when we are light enough to float...

currently.

reading

dancing.

writing.

concert going.

embroidering.

laughing.

playing.

searching for God.

searching for a european country to call home.

wordlessly expressing.

longing

more laughing.

traveling.

thinking about traveling.

singing.

drinking tea.