a fortune cookie instigated thought

i don't know how to take chances with my heart.

so i don't.

damn.

can you feel my harmony?

grains of salt on hardwood floors
smelling of orange oil to keep their shine
buy they aren't mine
i just rent them to produce
my melody
my rhythm
my flow to you
as the grains stick to the bottom of my feet
how generous of you to dust them off
but you don't
you can't see
me skipping beats
or hear them missing in my words
just part of the conversation
just part of the dance
i don't like this dance
i've been dancing for so long
only know how to shimmy and shake
you aren't a shimmy
or a shake

i need new moves
you need a stronger prescription

too private

prayers for protection

prayers for peace

prayers for seamless dreams

prayers for an answer to a question

a question only asked right before sleep

too private

too vulnerable

given a cryptic answer

(who am i to blame? i did ask)

a feeling

a sense

a touch

a moment

not sure what to expect

now

now that i've asked

now that i've dreamed

where my eyes and my smile meet

i've been chewing on the corner of my mouth

accepting the situation

with mild curiosity

feigning uninterested eyes

so you can't see

the desire

in the creases of my eyes

in the smile i'm attempting to cover up

in my playful touch

i'm just a friend

i don't know how to be anything else

giving sideways glances

always from a distance

how can i show you,

without showing you anything?

...summer of color...

fresh blueberries and strawberries that are so fine your mouth can't handle it.

i love going fruit picking.

mt. saint helen's one of the mountains i get to see most days it is clear and beautiful.

i hiked up this without injuring myself or anyone else(this was just the last mile)

from the top you could see the ocean.

clover is my favorite ever.

ellen and i with a lovely lady at the tippy canoe.

butterflies like lavender. 

i like lavender too.

mmm...raspberries...

the rose gardens in bloom, quite amazing.

trying...

i love sitting across from you over sunday night drinks. discussing openly and honestly your frustration with girls and how you see us. complaining that we never go for the good guys, even when we say that is what we want. all the while i stare at you and laugh knowing that i like a good guy and yet he is oblivious, most likely just not interested, and tells me i do not want a good guy when i want him.  the problem is not the good guy or his lack to act but my lack. i am not that good of a girl. how can i possibly deserve a good guy like you? so i'll just laugh at your jokes and feel my stomach flutter at your hugs but stay silent because you are a good guy who is not interested and i'm a girl trying to be good and trying to deserve a good guy...trying to appeal to you.

so she hopes

ripped apart

tossed aside

wretched desires fondle her heart

delightful to the touch

wicked in the aftermath

pieces no longer attached

scattered by breezes

from ruffled sheets and disheveled clothing

no longer worthy for you

in her own eyes

not able to see herself

apart from who she was

trying to see herself

in light of who she is

if you are worth it

you'll stay

and help carry everything she holds

so she hopes

on the promise of a new day

that you exist

and that you can love her

in a way that is real

that is worth more

then what she has given away

sometimes you are awake 

to watch the sunrise

and sometimes

the rising sun wakes you

casting new possibilities

across your resting body

singing directly to your heart

the hope found only in your fingertips

before they have touched anything

except your dreams

found neither here nor there

but somewhere completely unknown

a place for you as you pas

between moments outside of time 

only brought back

by the biding of the sun...

i don't think about you....much

my thought are preoccupied

by melodies and plot lines

and the sound of my own laughter

instigated by life in the big city

and a new set of eyes

looking amused

and confused

by who i am

not sure how this works 

how to check my vibe

inspired all the while

by laughter and a good beer

to think of you less.....and less

she just wants some hand holding

hip swinging days

a west coast girl

may not want a happy ending

a nap on your chest

is enough for a summer day

cool breezes off the river

temper dreamy thoughts

she loves you so easy

her love complicates

the easy friendship

of double jointed ligaments

and mixed drinks on back decks

I would never have to wear shoes again...

Something I think I want to do with my life (or at least something similar):

Not For Sale is an organization I have been researching but more importantly have began loving and really think I want to be a part of. This picture is one of a lovely woman name Lucy and she runs a house on the coast of Peru where street kids can live and get education, health care, stability, a family, value, arts, and surfing.  She gives these kids a chance and a future. (you can read her whole story on the website) I've realized that I want to do this. If not exactly this then something very much like it. I want to love and I want to give children a chance who wouldn't have one before. I know I won't be doing this alone, but who will be doing it with me is still up in the air. This plan is about 2 years away there's time to plan but not plan too much because planning never works really. I'm excited. The possibilities are there and I want them to be real.

Some first steps: learn how to surf better, contact lucy and the not for sale people, figure out if not in Peru then where, get other people excited for this as well.

failing passionately

love is neatly drawn

with fine pencil lines

that drip with reality as they mix and cross

over yours and mine

unrequited...

passionate disaster...

true...

forbidden...

sex...

desire...

the list continues

at an alarming rate

as this love contains it all

and not of it

detailing out the end

before there is ever a beginning

setting up for destruction

because it is more passionate to fail

than to succeed

May is Gone

Yesterday, I cried a lot.

Yesterday, I slept a lot.

All of it was good though because this past week was amazing. I get to spend time with friends in really sweet ways. I made new friends as well. I need to spend more time with these people. Once maybe twice a year is not enough. I'm going to try and go up to camp for at least one week.  Caitlin and I are planning road trips (that will happen).  Things are in motion and life is sweet and full of love. Even if a lot of it has gone back to california there is lots to love in oregon.

Spring Melting Into Summer

-iron and wine has filled my spring and i foresee it continuing into summer with their new CD "around the well" my heart is light with the sounds of it.

-why i love my brother:
Jacob: "sam do girls really just wanna have fun?"
Me: "what?! (while trying to suppress laughter)"
Jacob: "well i have a song that says that"
Me: "yes, jacob girls just wanna have fun (still laughing)"
Jacob: "oh, ok."

-i've decided to be more constructive with my poetry. i'm practicing challenging myself in my writing by having a goal in mind when i sit down to write. there are still spontaneously inspired ones but i'm trying to reflect on people and it is an interesting process filling me with joy and sadness.

-i am excited beyond belief for the wonderful people who are going to be staying with me soon.

April's End

the dogwood is in bloom

and i miss the thought of it all

the tulips here grow to be 2 feet tall

how odd to have a flower desire to look you in the eye

it is not the flowers i am worried about 

but the lack of flowers,

the threat of no spring

straight from winter to summer

hidden life to approaching dust

but i can see the blossoms

and you  like how much i laugh

One More Semester of Seminary Down

i love my small evangelical seminary. i love that i am not conservative and that it is ok. i love that my thoughts have value and that i have learned to value myself enough to say them out loud. i love that i am becoming me in a place that is becoming my own.

things in school this semester:

-i wrote statements of beliefs on doctrine of God, doctrine of revelation, and doctrine of the person of Christ

-sixteen weeks of studying prayer

-read through the prophets and the gospels

-studied the story of the hemorrhaging woman in Mark 5 and wrote about her and loved her and her story and began to see myself in that story and loved Jesus even more because of that story

-i got to interview my sweet friend/mentor Gelayol and learn about her life in Iran and about what it was like to move to the United States

-i taught a room full of graduate students how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils

-i wrote a paper on the implications of Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and what it is communicating to our culture and how the church needs to respond (it may surprise you what Twilight is communicating to youth i know i was surprised, it was interesting)

things in life:

-discovered the joy of hot rollers allowing me to have curly big hair whenever i see fit

-moved 

-really getting to know my sweet friend Rachael i live with

-discovering the joy of new music almost daily

-joined a gym 

-learning more how to love myself

-hiking constantly

-drinking more coffee then is necessary

-learning to love being single

-making my new house my home

-discovered i don't like shirts with sleeves

-making cards is an absolute joy, sending them is even better

-trying to figure what to say to tell someone i'm done

-Christian Camping International, hopefully

-taking pictures on disposable cameras because my digital is broken

-ready for the adventure that will be May-August

3 Thoughts

I love spring.

Iced coffee and skirt wearing has commenced. 

Listening to The Everyday Visuals and Carolina Liar.

watching springtime unfold

from the bench seat in the window

waiting for something

allowing myself a moment

to be with you

as my heart leaps 

at the sound of your name

at the words in your letter

the thought of a future i dare not entertain

what will spring bring?

not you.

Not A Flower

in silence,

flower petals drop

to the floor

forgotten.

withering.

left in the quiet room

accompanied only

by the rocking chair's creak

waiting,

waiting,

waiting,

for someone,

to fill this space.

not just a body,

but a spirit

with laughter.

bringing with them

a watering can,

coaxing the petals

to once again grow.

long. tired.

life is crazy right now. 2 and 1/2 weeks of school left until a break before summer classes start in june. i'm learning a lot though and feel blessed in my classes and in my new living situation.  i just finished a paper on the unity within the person of Christ, asserting that you can't legitimately separate the historical Jesus from the Christ of faith, because one does not exist without the other. next week for one of my intercultural classes i'm teaching the class how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils. it should be a fun time, talking about being joyful in worship and this translates well to children of all cultures. it looks like 2 years as a youth director is coming in handy ;) two more doctrinal statements as well will be being written and thought over and thought on and discussed as i figure out how to say what i believe.

more then any of that though i am living.  i am going out. making food with (the new roommate and most importantly friend). not letting my school dictate my life but living because this is it, i've only got so much time in portland. there is no way i am rachael going to waste it on days it is beautiful to sit inside. life is moving so fast and it is crazy to think that i have already be living here for almost 9 months. 

so, i'm working on living and laughing and cooking (without fear).

life is good.

God is good and alive.

may is going to be a fun month.

summer is very close.