i don't think about you....much

my thought are preoccupied

by melodies and plot lines

and the sound of my own laughter

instigated by life in the big city

and a new set of eyes

looking amused

and confused

by who i am

not sure how this works 

how to check my vibe

inspired all the while

by laughter and a good beer

to think of you less.....and less

she just wants some hand holding

hip swinging days

a west coast girl

may not want a happy ending

a nap on your chest

is enough for a summer day

cool breezes off the river

temper dreamy thoughts

she loves you so easy

her love complicates

the easy friendship

of double jointed ligaments

and mixed drinks on back decks

I would never have to wear shoes again...

Something I think I want to do with my life (or at least something similar):

Not For Sale is an organization I have been researching but more importantly have began loving and really think I want to be a part of. This picture is one of a lovely woman name Lucy and she runs a house on the coast of Peru where street kids can live and get education, health care, stability, a family, value, arts, and surfing.  She gives these kids a chance and a future. (you can read her whole story on the website) I've realized that I want to do this. If not exactly this then something very much like it. I want to love and I want to give children a chance who wouldn't have one before. I know I won't be doing this alone, but who will be doing it with me is still up in the air. This plan is about 2 years away there's time to plan but not plan too much because planning never works really. I'm excited. The possibilities are there and I want them to be real.

Some first steps: learn how to surf better, contact lucy and the not for sale people, figure out if not in Peru then where, get other people excited for this as well.

failing passionately

love is neatly drawn

with fine pencil lines

that drip with reality as they mix and cross

over yours and mine

unrequited...

passionate disaster...

true...

forbidden...

sex...

desire...

the list continues

at an alarming rate

as this love contains it all

and not of it

detailing out the end

before there is ever a beginning

setting up for destruction

because it is more passionate to fail

than to succeed

May is Gone

Yesterday, I cried a lot.

Yesterday, I slept a lot.

All of it was good though because this past week was amazing. I get to spend time with friends in really sweet ways. I made new friends as well. I need to spend more time with these people. Once maybe twice a year is not enough. I'm going to try and go up to camp for at least one week.  Caitlin and I are planning road trips (that will happen).  Things are in motion and life is sweet and full of love. Even if a lot of it has gone back to california there is lots to love in oregon.

Spring Melting Into Summer

-iron and wine has filled my spring and i foresee it continuing into summer with their new CD "around the well" my heart is light with the sounds of it.

-why i love my brother:
Jacob: "sam do girls really just wanna have fun?"
Me: "what?! (while trying to suppress laughter)"
Jacob: "well i have a song that says that"
Me: "yes, jacob girls just wanna have fun (still laughing)"
Jacob: "oh, ok."

-i've decided to be more constructive with my poetry. i'm practicing challenging myself in my writing by having a goal in mind when i sit down to write. there are still spontaneously inspired ones but i'm trying to reflect on people and it is an interesting process filling me with joy and sadness.

-i am excited beyond belief for the wonderful people who are going to be staying with me soon.

April's End

the dogwood is in bloom

and i miss the thought of it all

the tulips here grow to be 2 feet tall

how odd to have a flower desire to look you in the eye

it is not the flowers i am worried about 

but the lack of flowers,

the threat of no spring

straight from winter to summer

hidden life to approaching dust

but i can see the blossoms

and you  like how much i laugh

One More Semester of Seminary Down

i love my small evangelical seminary. i love that i am not conservative and that it is ok. i love that my thoughts have value and that i have learned to value myself enough to say them out loud. i love that i am becoming me in a place that is becoming my own.

things in school this semester:

-i wrote statements of beliefs on doctrine of God, doctrine of revelation, and doctrine of the person of Christ

-sixteen weeks of studying prayer

-read through the prophets and the gospels

-studied the story of the hemorrhaging woman in Mark 5 and wrote about her and loved her and her story and began to see myself in that story and loved Jesus even more because of that story

-i got to interview my sweet friend/mentor Gelayol and learn about her life in Iran and about what it was like to move to the United States

-i taught a room full of graduate students how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils

-i wrote a paper on the implications of Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and what it is communicating to our culture and how the church needs to respond (it may surprise you what Twilight is communicating to youth i know i was surprised, it was interesting)

things in life:

-discovered the joy of hot rollers allowing me to have curly big hair whenever i see fit

-moved 

-really getting to know my sweet friend Rachael i live with

-discovering the joy of new music almost daily

-joined a gym 

-learning more how to love myself

-hiking constantly

-drinking more coffee then is necessary

-learning to love being single

-making my new house my home

-discovered i don't like shirts with sleeves

-making cards is an absolute joy, sending them is even better

-trying to figure what to say to tell someone i'm done

-Christian Camping International, hopefully

-taking pictures on disposable cameras because my digital is broken

-ready for the adventure that will be May-August

3 Thoughts

I love spring.

Iced coffee and skirt wearing has commenced. 

Listening to The Everyday Visuals and Carolina Liar.

watching springtime unfold

from the bench seat in the window

waiting for something

allowing myself a moment

to be with you

as my heart leaps 

at the sound of your name

at the words in your letter

the thought of a future i dare not entertain

what will spring bring?

not you.

Not A Flower

in silence,

flower petals drop

to the floor

forgotten.

withering.

left in the quiet room

accompanied only

by the rocking chair's creak

waiting,

waiting,

waiting,

for someone,

to fill this space.

not just a body,

but a spirit

with laughter.

bringing with them

a watering can,

coaxing the petals

to once again grow.

long. tired.

life is crazy right now. 2 and 1/2 weeks of school left until a break before summer classes start in june. i'm learning a lot though and feel blessed in my classes and in my new living situation.  i just finished a paper on the unity within the person of Christ, asserting that you can't legitimately separate the historical Jesus from the Christ of faith, because one does not exist without the other. next week for one of my intercultural classes i'm teaching the class how to make tambourines out of paper plates and lentils. it should be a fun time, talking about being joyful in worship and this translates well to children of all cultures. it looks like 2 years as a youth director is coming in handy ;) two more doctrinal statements as well will be being written and thought over and thought on and discussed as i figure out how to say what i believe.

more then any of that though i am living.  i am going out. making food with (the new roommate and most importantly friend). not letting my school dictate my life but living because this is it, i've only got so much time in portland. there is no way i am rachael going to waste it on days it is beautiful to sit inside. life is moving so fast and it is crazy to think that i have already be living here for almost 9 months. 

so, i'm working on living and laughing and cooking (without fear).

life is good.

God is good and alive.

may is going to be a fun month.

summer is very close.

Spring Break

That little sweet heart in the middle I get to call my brother.

That's a pretty good image of mine and my brothers relationship ;) this is just one of the many afternoons we spent on the trampoline.

That is definitely my grandma, sister, and brother on the trampoline. Oh how I love my family.

One of the hazards of moving, poor coffee mug. More pictures of my new colorful townhouse coming soon.

What Else Can I Do?

Do you really have to go out of the country?
Could you please go some place less dangerous?

These are the questions my family regularly asks me when we discuss my internship for the fall of 2011. I'm going to be in South or Central America and this terrifies my family. I don't see any other option, for me at least. I want to work with children who need love, who need a chance, and a way out. It's either South or Central America or Africa for me. There's never really been another way. This is where I am going. Part of that is because we have to do an internship in a foreign country and the other part is because I want to. I have always wanted to. And everything I learn I am going to bring back and put it to use with children in this country. I am getting a masters in intercultural studies and most people assume that means other cultures but I feel it transcends that and moves into the subcultures around us. That is where I am going to work, much to the dismay of some. I am going to love and work on healing this earth. Because what else can I do?

In music news:
If you go the Iron and Wine website right now you can download for free (my favorite word with regards to music) 8 acoustic tracks from The Shepherd's Dog album. Do it! They are fantastic!

sometimes i wish i had a secret. something good. not the list of bad secrets i hold close, but a good one. one that makes me excited to keep secret. one that is just for me. i had one and it was nice until it turned into something else. still good. a friendship came out of it. almost humorous really. oh secrets so good and so bad. so many secrets yet to be had.
in other news:
Caroline Smith and The Good Night Sleeps make my life happy and sound very much like spring.

the approach of spring

i hum in my sleep

the melodies of my dreams

blowing through my life

leaves, twigs, and particles of memories

Getting Old

That sweet man in the picture is my grandfather. I love him (and the sweet woman next to him my grandmother). He can't see to ever be well and it's hard, it's hard to watch him getting old. Needless to say I'm really glad I'll be home in 6 days and I'll be able to spend some good time with the two of them. Getting old is not for the weak; I just keep telling myself he's strong enough.

On...

your words are running up my arms

keeping me warm

tickling the inside of my ear

as they ruffle through my hair

blowing strands in front of my eyes

telling me simple truths

truths i desperately need to hear

on beauty

on faith

on the cause of a summer breeze

A Dream

blurred lines on negative prints

of late night laughing sessions

cozy comfort in the front room

cramming people in every corner

singing

filling

abundance

welling up with life

even if only for this one night

captured forever in this joyous occasion

sharing in a moment that is not ours

taking advantage of the joy

the light in our eyes capturing

what the pictures never can

I had a dream about this summer and I liked what I saw.