It's summer time....Time to learn how to Let go and Hold on

Give me another place to stand.
Reaching for an open palm
That is facing the wrong way for me to hold
Aimlessly losing grip
Blamed on bad timing.

Oceans of memories and unanswered unasked questions
Would take longer than a plane ride
Over the Pacific.

So take three steps to the right
And I’ll take four to the left,
And maybe things will become clear,
Maybe the ocean will shrink,
Maybe our continents will meet,
Or maybe we’ll figure out how to not lose grip.

Are we learning how to create?

My senior project is done and in. I wrote a paper about Jesus' relationship with women. What that looked like, what that meant for women then, what that means for us today. I am a poor judge of my own writing and I often think my writing sucks but somehow I pass, so I guess it's not as bad as I think. So of course I have no idea how good my paper is but regardless I loved it. I loved every part of this because of everything I learned and how it affected me on a personal level. Some of the best things I learned I didn't even use in my paper. I'm still processing a lot of it now that I can actually take a step back and soak in what I learned instead of putting it in thought form appropriate for a phenomenological paper.


Last summer when my teammates and I were planning out our lessons for AIM during O-week we were having problems figuring out what to say and teach. Then we got the advice that regardless of the problems you may be having theologically or with the church go back to Jesus. Go back to the root to the foundation and start from there. And I took that advice again. I was going to write on feminist theology but then I realized what I really wanted to know was what Jesus had to say about women. I wanted to know how I, as a woman, fit into Christianity. I wanted to know where my authority came from. I wanted to know in a world where women are told no and religion is used against them what Jesus was actually saying for them.


In the end I was sad and disappointed. I was sad and disappointed that women have been excluded from leadership due to an apostolic tradition that they were left out of not because of Jesus, but because of men with agendas that wrote down everything. I was sad that verses have been skewed and taken out of context to keep women in abusive relationships. I was frustrated because I feel like we follow Paul more then we follow Christ. I was sad and frustrated with women today who wrote that we are wrong to look for equality and to think that there were female disciples. I was angry that a Christian women author said that God could not possibly be female and then proceeded to quote verses that distinctly give God motherly attributes and said that these verses don't mean anything. I was sad that these types of books are sold and given to women within Christianity as authoritative. I was sad that we place so much weight in gender when God is non-gendered and Jesus was ontologically male but that means absolutely nothing to the grand scheme of who Jesus is and what his message is. I was sad that the first time I heard this revolutionary message of Christ's love and respect for women was in my senior thesis class and not in my church.


At the same time I was happy and filled with joy in the end. I was ecstatic that Jesus gave authority to women and included them within his disciples. I was ecstatic that there were three main women disciples. I was overjoyed that Martha was never in the kitchen. I was overjoyed that you do not have to choose between being a Martha or a Mary but that it is about a balance between them. I was happy to learn my history as a Christian female and wrestle with it. I was excited to see that Jesus called for an authentic existence between the sexes. I was encouraged that Jesus did not tell women that they should suffer silently but that they should stand up against unjust suffering. I loved that Jesus gave women voices and let them speak. I was happy to see women letting their hair down and Jesus affiriming them. I was happy to see women speaking out and speaking up in faith and Jesus affiriming them. I loved that without the women's testimony that Jesus was really dead and that his tomb was really empty then never would have been Christianity, because everyone else ran away. I was encouraged that redemptive readings are possible. I was encouraged that 10 women got into the party and that we need to watch for his coming and that these are two different stories are not one to hurt women. I love that acts of love are encouraged. I love that women are examples when men run away. I love that women have been there since the beginning and that Luke had the courage to write that down so that his community would know. I found joy in the fact that Jesus revealed his identity to women and that many believed because of women. I love that no one is excluded.

In the end I am determined more then anything else. I am determined to live like I have authority and that I have every right to be where I am and do what I want to do. I am determined to live the life Christ opened up to me as a women. I am determined.



The Five Virgins by Thomas Merton

There were five virgins
Rowdies
Who arrived for the Wedding of the Lamb

With their motor-scooters burned out
And their gas tanks
Empty

But since they knew how to
Dance
They were told to
Stick around anyhow.

So that's it: there were
Five rowdy virgins
Without gas
But really caught up
In the action.

There were then ten virgins
At the Wedding of the Lamb.

Where are you going with your life?
Good question...
It's only have past yesterday,
I'm just trying to walk without wobbling.

Counting the days on one Hand

I am immersed in a world of feminist theology, liberation theology, and Jesus.
It is a pretty good place to be.
And to think I get a degree for doing something I love.
It is stressful but the amount I've read and learned has all been worth it.
More details about this wonderfulness in mere days as I finish.

Oh what a day...

I take step aerobics (you read right, don't worry). And I have short legs, let's face it no one has ever mistaken me for tall. Well today we were doing this thing where we kind of skip over the top of the step going the longest direction. I usually don't participate in this exercise because of the short leg problem but today I felt energetic and thought why not!! Well energetic or not I still have short legs and low and behold I fell. Right in the middle of class in the middle of the classroom. My foot slips off the edge of the step and I fall hard on to the ground. The best part as my foot was slipping I managed to land on it on it's side resulting now in a mild sprain. Luckily for me do I do this so often I just laughed it off, left class and had my roommate pick me up, and now I am icing it.


Welcome to the madness that is my life.

We are growing in the direction of our future.

The future we've dreamed,
and painted,
and set music to.

That is so foolishly and easily forgotten
in a moment of weakness or frustration.

As it hangs perilously on the head of a dandelion,
fragile,
and unaware.

But as the wind, picks it up
and carries it to a new destination,
The sunlight catch the glimmer of hope,
that is quickly remembered
as the new dandelions take root.

A Longing

The girl in canary yellow,
with sunflowers growing out of her steps,
gracefully skips over the cracks of her day.

Peculiarly not worrying.
Letting herself be blessed by freedom
and extra time.

Walking gently on a tightrope,
balancing her faith
in the blossoming of spring and midday rains.

I have a porch..

Today it is extremely sunny and warm (and by warm I mean warm for Humboldt so that means over like 65 degrees maybe even around 70!). So I am going to lay on my porch (because I have a porch off of my bedroom) and read and enjoy the sunshine. Off to the sun...

I'm Yours

In You -- I am free
In You -- I have authority and a place at the table
In You -- I am me
In You -- I can wear my hair long and wild
In You -- I am a temple
In You -- I can love and be loved
In You -- I can dance and be joyous in every circumstance
In You -- I am not held back
In You -- I am given a voice
In You -- I have made the better decision
In You -- I can ruffle feathers and hold on to truth

breathing slowly and deeply

My life is currently spinning out of control. I found out that I am 2 units short of graduating and I have been jumping through hoops the past 2 weeks trying to get classes and then signatures and now I have to wait for an appointment I have on Monday to get one more persons approval. My grad school application was sent off yesterday and now I have to just wait. To top it all off I have a 25 page paper due in a month and I am at a loss for how to accomplish that. In the midst of all of it I am not worried. Oddly and strangely I am at peace and taking one day at a time. I have even tried to be worried but it's not happening. I'm not quiting any of my responsibilities I'm just not letting them get to me. I have been earnestly praying this entire time for God to take my worry and just for everything to be ok....and God answered. There was no booming voice out of the heaven's saying it'll all be ok but there has been this sense of peace over the whole situation. And there have been butterflies. Not the kind you get when you see a cute boy or girl but the kind with wings that fly. For the past two weeks I have spent a lot of time on my porch in the sunshine and every time I am out there reading, writing, or just listening to nature or music there have been butterflies flying around. Now I know it is spring but I haven't seen them anywhere else and I know that those butterflies are just a little sign for me. And so I am just breathing slowly and deeply and taking it all as it comes to me and remembering that it is not in my hands.

Reasons Why I am staying at home this summer (among others)

Sunday...Wonderful...Sunday...

I'm going to spend it in a coffee shop.
A little me and Jesus time.
A little poetry time.
A little homework time.
The most wonderfulest part is that all of those include me and Jesus time.
My poetry time is Jesus time.
My homework time consists of reading about Jesus and women in the gospel's.
To top it all off...Catalyst...more me and Jesus time and more rejuvenation for my soul.

I broke open my head,
and it is all
spilling out on the the table,
everything fighting for its voice
and to be heard,
begging for the chance to be tangible.

I broke open my heart,
and it is all
spilling out and staining my shirt
with cherry blossoms and fresh cut grass,
fiercely compassionate and brimming with tears.

Screaming at you to see me--
Throwing punches at you so you'll feel me--
Trying to piece myself back together so that maybe you'll love me.

Something is overflowing inside of me. Let's call it peace. Let's call it excitement. Let's call it happiness. Let's call it affirmation. Let's call it love. Let's call it unexpected. Let's call it the future.

My Laundry List

I hate Incubus not because they are a bad band but because they are from a part of my life I don’t inhabit anymore.

I can’t listen to the song “When You Say Nothing At All” because we were going to dance to it our wedding.

I’m not really sure if I like the Decemberists but I feel the need to listen to them this evening and the past few evenings.

I want to be soo very happy for my friends getting married but I am also very jealous (even though I have so many things I want to do before I even think about marriage).

I want to go to you when I have a bad day but I don’t think you would understand why I was going to you and you would just laugh and be awkward.

If you asked me to follow you around the world and love you I would in a heart beat…but I am afraid I am just in love with the idea of who you were and who I was but who are we now?

I wanted to call you tonight and ask you if you still thought about me, but what would that do?
And how would I feel if you said no? And in all reality deep down I want you to think about me and realize what a fool you were…sometimes I’m not a very nice person especially since I would never take you back.

Whenever I see you I want to run to you and have you hold me, even though you have never held me before. It’s a good thing I don’t ever see you then.

Sometimes I still have a hard time facing what I have done and who I have been and I am afraid I will become that person again.

I would love you if you asked me to. I’ll never ask though and neither will you and I’m glad.

I am listening for the soundtrack and the storyline to where I am going. And I like where it is going and I like that I get to help in the creation but I am not the Creator.

I am losing my idea of superman.

A cape and a funny red 'S' can only be held on to for so long,
Fragility becomes present in the wake of reality.

Tear filled phone calls reveal unwanted truths
About a man who's larger then life in these eyes
That so desperately want to hold on
To the superhero.

All around me people are either getting married or having babies.

I'm trying to learn how to be ok with being single in a world where everyone around me is in a relationship.

The scars of flesh mean very little,

in my eyes

when I look at the reflection in the mirror.


Bumps and bruises,
surgeries and tissue damage,
stitches and being sown together.
Creating a mysterious mosaic
that is not as enigmatic as people believe.


My scars are not me
merely a part of the perfect creation
I have been made to be.

words i thought i would never say

I'm a fighter, hard to believe but I am. I don't like to do things I don't like and I don't like it when my perfect little life plan gets messed up. Last time my life plan got messed up it took me two years to recover and I had to move 10 hours away from everything I knew just to regain some sense of who I was and where I was going. This time is not as extreme but God has challenged me with a life plan I had not anticipated.

I am applying to seminary.

I have kicked and screamed against this idea for quite a long time. My father has always wanted me to go to seminary but no I've had to be a rebel (comical if you have ever heard about my birth mom) and go to secular school to get my religious studies degree. When I told my grandma about going to seminary and how it finally just made sense why not go to a Christian school to get my MA in Theology and she said finally. I have been the only one who hasn't been able to see this plan from the beginning. I've been fighting and God has quietly just been saying yes waiting for me to stop fighting. So, I'm applying to Western Seminary in Portland, OR yes my friends Oregon not California. Am I terrified? Yes. Do I think it is what I should do? I have never felt more peace about a decision. Sometimes I'm convinced I get a kick out of moving to cities or doing things where I am going to know absolutely no one. My dad always said he wouldn't ever want to leave Bakersfield because everyone knows him and my grandparents and the Thorp last name. For me this is something I have never wanted. I've always wanted to find my own place in the world and establish my life not based on my families ties but solely on being me and my abilities. I've been doing that and it has been an experience and I have met some amazing people because of it and I have learned so much about myself. The difference this time is that I'm not running away from anything but more like I'm running towards something...I'm not sure yet what I'm running to but it's a future and I'm excited for what it will hold.

....an attempt to be free...

My voice---caught.
In my throat by the beak of the bird
that is captured within my ribcage.

She spreads out her wings
and feathers
tickle
my insides
and
brush my inner skin
as she remembers what it was like
to be free

Free to move and sing
not locked in place by who
SHE believes she has to be
but allowed to be who she has the potential to be.