Counting the days on one Hand

I am immersed in a world of feminist theology, liberation theology, and Jesus.
It is a pretty good place to be.
And to think I get a degree for doing something I love.
It is stressful but the amount I've read and learned has all been worth it.
More details about this wonderfulness in mere days as I finish.

Oh what a day...

I take step aerobics (you read right, don't worry). And I have short legs, let's face it no one has ever mistaken me for tall. Well today we were doing this thing where we kind of skip over the top of the step going the longest direction. I usually don't participate in this exercise because of the short leg problem but today I felt energetic and thought why not!! Well energetic or not I still have short legs and low and behold I fell. Right in the middle of class in the middle of the classroom. My foot slips off the edge of the step and I fall hard on to the ground. The best part as my foot was slipping I managed to land on it on it's side resulting now in a mild sprain. Luckily for me do I do this so often I just laughed it off, left class and had my roommate pick me up, and now I am icing it.


Welcome to the madness that is my life.

We are growing in the direction of our future.

The future we've dreamed,
and painted,
and set music to.

That is so foolishly and easily forgotten
in a moment of weakness or frustration.

As it hangs perilously on the head of a dandelion,
fragile,
and unaware.

But as the wind, picks it up
and carries it to a new destination,
The sunlight catch the glimmer of hope,
that is quickly remembered
as the new dandelions take root.

A Longing

The girl in canary yellow,
with sunflowers growing out of her steps,
gracefully skips over the cracks of her day.

Peculiarly not worrying.
Letting herself be blessed by freedom
and extra time.

Walking gently on a tightrope,
balancing her faith
in the blossoming of spring and midday rains.

I have a porch..

Today it is extremely sunny and warm (and by warm I mean warm for Humboldt so that means over like 65 degrees maybe even around 70!). So I am going to lay on my porch (because I have a porch off of my bedroom) and read and enjoy the sunshine. Off to the sun...

I'm Yours

In You -- I am free
In You -- I have authority and a place at the table
In You -- I am me
In You -- I can wear my hair long and wild
In You -- I am a temple
In You -- I can love and be loved
In You -- I can dance and be joyous in every circumstance
In You -- I am not held back
In You -- I am given a voice
In You -- I have made the better decision
In You -- I can ruffle feathers and hold on to truth

breathing slowly and deeply

My life is currently spinning out of control. I found out that I am 2 units short of graduating and I have been jumping through hoops the past 2 weeks trying to get classes and then signatures and now I have to wait for an appointment I have on Monday to get one more persons approval. My grad school application was sent off yesterday and now I have to just wait. To top it all off I have a 25 page paper due in a month and I am at a loss for how to accomplish that. In the midst of all of it I am not worried. Oddly and strangely I am at peace and taking one day at a time. I have even tried to be worried but it's not happening. I'm not quiting any of my responsibilities I'm just not letting them get to me. I have been earnestly praying this entire time for God to take my worry and just for everything to be ok....and God answered. There was no booming voice out of the heaven's saying it'll all be ok but there has been this sense of peace over the whole situation. And there have been butterflies. Not the kind you get when you see a cute boy or girl but the kind with wings that fly. For the past two weeks I have spent a lot of time on my porch in the sunshine and every time I am out there reading, writing, or just listening to nature or music there have been butterflies flying around. Now I know it is spring but I haven't seen them anywhere else and I know that those butterflies are just a little sign for me. And so I am just breathing slowly and deeply and taking it all as it comes to me and remembering that it is not in my hands.

Reasons Why I am staying at home this summer (among others)

Sunday...Wonderful...Sunday...

I'm going to spend it in a coffee shop.
A little me and Jesus time.
A little poetry time.
A little homework time.
The most wonderfulest part is that all of those include me and Jesus time.
My poetry time is Jesus time.
My homework time consists of reading about Jesus and women in the gospel's.
To top it all off...Catalyst...more me and Jesus time and more rejuvenation for my soul.

I broke open my head,
and it is all
spilling out on the the table,
everything fighting for its voice
and to be heard,
begging for the chance to be tangible.

I broke open my heart,
and it is all
spilling out and staining my shirt
with cherry blossoms and fresh cut grass,
fiercely compassionate and brimming with tears.

Screaming at you to see me--
Throwing punches at you so you'll feel me--
Trying to piece myself back together so that maybe you'll love me.

Something is overflowing inside of me. Let's call it peace. Let's call it excitement. Let's call it happiness. Let's call it affirmation. Let's call it love. Let's call it unexpected. Let's call it the future.

My Laundry List

I hate Incubus not because they are a bad band but because they are from a part of my life I don’t inhabit anymore.

I can’t listen to the song “When You Say Nothing At All” because we were going to dance to it our wedding.

I’m not really sure if I like the Decemberists but I feel the need to listen to them this evening and the past few evenings.

I want to be soo very happy for my friends getting married but I am also very jealous (even though I have so many things I want to do before I even think about marriage).

I want to go to you when I have a bad day but I don’t think you would understand why I was going to you and you would just laugh and be awkward.

If you asked me to follow you around the world and love you I would in a heart beat…but I am afraid I am just in love with the idea of who you were and who I was but who are we now?

I wanted to call you tonight and ask you if you still thought about me, but what would that do?
And how would I feel if you said no? And in all reality deep down I want you to think about me and realize what a fool you were…sometimes I’m not a very nice person especially since I would never take you back.

Whenever I see you I want to run to you and have you hold me, even though you have never held me before. It’s a good thing I don’t ever see you then.

Sometimes I still have a hard time facing what I have done and who I have been and I am afraid I will become that person again.

I would love you if you asked me to. I’ll never ask though and neither will you and I’m glad.

I am listening for the soundtrack and the storyline to where I am going. And I like where it is going and I like that I get to help in the creation but I am not the Creator.

I am losing my idea of superman.

A cape and a funny red 'S' can only be held on to for so long,
Fragility becomes present in the wake of reality.

Tear filled phone calls reveal unwanted truths
About a man who's larger then life in these eyes
That so desperately want to hold on
To the superhero.

All around me people are either getting married or having babies.

I'm trying to learn how to be ok with being single in a world where everyone around me is in a relationship.

The scars of flesh mean very little,

in my eyes

when I look at the reflection in the mirror.


Bumps and bruises,
surgeries and tissue damage,
stitches and being sown together.
Creating a mysterious mosaic
that is not as enigmatic as people believe.


My scars are not me
merely a part of the perfect creation
I have been made to be.

words i thought i would never say

I'm a fighter, hard to believe but I am. I don't like to do things I don't like and I don't like it when my perfect little life plan gets messed up. Last time my life plan got messed up it took me two years to recover and I had to move 10 hours away from everything I knew just to regain some sense of who I was and where I was going. This time is not as extreme but God has challenged me with a life plan I had not anticipated.

I am applying to seminary.

I have kicked and screamed against this idea for quite a long time. My father has always wanted me to go to seminary but no I've had to be a rebel (comical if you have ever heard about my birth mom) and go to secular school to get my religious studies degree. When I told my grandma about going to seminary and how it finally just made sense why not go to a Christian school to get my MA in Theology and she said finally. I have been the only one who hasn't been able to see this plan from the beginning. I've been fighting and God has quietly just been saying yes waiting for me to stop fighting. So, I'm applying to Western Seminary in Portland, OR yes my friends Oregon not California. Am I terrified? Yes. Do I think it is what I should do? I have never felt more peace about a decision. Sometimes I'm convinced I get a kick out of moving to cities or doing things where I am going to know absolutely no one. My dad always said he wouldn't ever want to leave Bakersfield because everyone knows him and my grandparents and the Thorp last name. For me this is something I have never wanted. I've always wanted to find my own place in the world and establish my life not based on my families ties but solely on being me and my abilities. I've been doing that and it has been an experience and I have met some amazing people because of it and I have learned so much about myself. The difference this time is that I'm not running away from anything but more like I'm running towards something...I'm not sure yet what I'm running to but it's a future and I'm excited for what it will hold.

....an attempt to be free...

My voice---caught.
In my throat by the beak of the bird
that is captured within my ribcage.

She spreads out her wings
and feathers
tickle
my insides
and
brush my inner skin
as she remembers what it was like
to be free

Free to move and sing
not locked in place by who
SHE believes she has to be
but allowed to be who she has the potential to be.

i'm coming back to write soon i promise.
life has been wild.
last semester at humboldt state.
i moved into a new house up here.
i have no idea what i am going to do with my future.
i am looking at seminaries.
i desire to be loved.
i desire more than ever to find God in my life.

crazy little day...

I always want to have something insightful to say

and so today I'll say that I am loved

and hope that it's enough

<3

procrastination changed my life...

Tonight I read the book, Acts of Faith: The Story of an American Muslim, the Struggle for the Soul of a Generation by Eboo Patel and it changed my life.

I had an epiphany about my life and about what I have been doing with my life. Everything all of a sudden culminated in one thing in this book. And in something my grandmother said to me that I didn't think much about until I read this book. There is more thinking to be done on this. More conversations that need to take place. Conversations with my grandma and my mom. With Cindy and with Gelayol. And most likely with you if you read this.

I've got to finish finals stuff but I had an epiphany and so I needed to start thinking out loud....more thinking coming soon....more poetry as well, there is a lot brewing in my soul I just need to sit down and let it out.

Read Eboo Patel's book....